Pencil vs. Batman (episode transcript)

This is a combination of the Original Version and Wiki Version. A red or blue means they start speaking.

Scene 1: 5 Years Ago

• Announcer: It was a nice Madaraka Day in Nairobi. Sun is shining, families gathered and everyone is patriotic in honour of this day.
• (meanwhile at Pencil's house) Pencil: Happy Madaraka Day, Match!
• Match: What's that?
• Pencil: Oh, it's when Kenya is autonomous from Great Britain!(http://www.globalpolicy.org/component/content/article/162/27609.html)
• Match: Hey! We had something like that in Canada. It's Canada Day! It's in a month from now.
• Announcer: Unfortunately, not everyone's in the holiday spirit. At Jomo Kenyatta International Airport's Object Centre, that is.
• (a black figure is descending from a plane) Batman: I am Batman! Mwahahahahahahaha!
• Tennis Ball and Golf Ball's Kids: Aaaaaaaaaaaa!
• Leafy: Come on kids, we'd better go to Dubai sooner.
• Batman: (to Bubble) Move! I'm trying to rob an airport.
• Bubble: Polois! There's a thoif on the lois!
• (The police rush in and handcuff Batman) Police: Let's go. Trying to rob an airport, eh? Well, that'll get you arrested for five years.
• Batman: Curses!

Scene 2: The Discovery

• Announcer: We are going to see a five-year montage.
• Priest: Do you, Pencil Badhrasa Carmencita Triángolo take...
• Nurse: And this, Mrs Schreiber-Zapalka, is your baby.
• (back to now) Pencil: What? World-disliked criminal released from jail? That's horri—
• Pen: Look at what's on my computer! (they are watching this amazing video by elcid1984, Hot Dog Eats a Batman) He's eating our enemy!
• Pencil: No, those are just those annoying pests that purposefully invade our house.
• Pen: It's Batman!
• Pencil: Omg, omg, omg! Get it away from me!
• Yaretzi: We should form an alliance with him!
• Zona: Yeah, but this guy says he's a villain. Tt.. (rolls eyes) he's obviously not.
• Match: Well we should meet up with him!
• Announcer: Thirty minutes later.
• Pencil: ... And that's why we want you in our alliance.
• Hot Dog: Oh, so that's what it's all about. Well, I was so happy before the incidents, but before Batman, Bane and Knife ate my children, I just, well I just got extremely depressed.
• Pencil: Never fear, Super Pencil is here! (skips to five minutes later) Gadget manual, no. Pocket television, no. Personal Recovery Center, yes! (She reveals a gigantic recovery center ten times Hot Dog's height)
• Crowd: Ooooh!
• Pencil: So who did you want to recover?
• Hot Dog: My kids, Hot Dog Jr, Sausage and Kleinewien.
• Pencil: Okay.
• (the Recovery Center gets activated. Slowly, his long-lost kids came out of the recovery center.') Kids: Dad!
• Hot Dog: How was your stay?
• Sausage: Horrible! Bane tainted my bun that I can't live without, and I died!
• Hot Dog Jr: Mine was even worse! I actually got eaten! By Batman! And that was the worst feeling I could ever get. I said my final goodbyes, and ever so slowly, he chomped on me! I just died.
• Pencil: Well, now that you're free, what should we do next?
• Hot Dog: I have an idea! You all go stand in the middle of the busiest area in Object-Nairobi whilst Pencil throws an amazing concert in front of thousands!
• Pencil: Thousands! (Her smile was so big it could reach to the sky and back again)

Scene 3: Alliance, Please?

• Pen: (Holding a gigantic sign) Anyone want to fight crime and evil?
• Firey: Look Leafy! A person with a sign! That has to be good!
• Leafy: Oh my photosynthesis, it's Pen! Remember from BFDI?
• Firey Jr: Oh, yeah!
• Firey: Is it free?
• Pen: Yeah, but exclusive membership is KSh 5000.
• Match: (doing tricks with the sign like awesomely spinning it) Who wants to fight evil?
• Coiny: Yay! A sign twirler! Needle, the 14 kids and I'd love to join your alliance. I'm training the kids to be humanitarians. It's free right?
• Match: Yeah, but exclusive membership is KSh 5000.
• (100,000 people are coming at the ten kids just talking to each other) Endoplasmic Reticulum: That's adorable! I want to join!
• 99,999 People: Yay!
• Hot Dog: Who wants to fight my enemy! It's free!
• 320,000 People: For free!?

Scene 4: Evil Plan

• Batman: Mwahahahahahahahaha! (Blocky, Batman's messenger gives him a newspaper) Hey! What's this?
• Blocky: It's a newspaper, your Evilness.
• Batman: (reading) Local 'objectitarians' help fight the evil criminal by the name of Batman. Pen Schreiber-Zapalka, 24, says 'We're getting all these people because, er... we knew that Batman is very bad and we need to convince everyone that he's just that bad'. Curses! I knew someone would try to destroy me! But I have a plan. And it's evil too!
• Robin: But-
• Batman: Silence! And I'm cutting your salary by 101%!
• Robin: That's it! You can cut Eraser's salary by 90%, Flower's by 99%, but 101% does not make sense! Robin the Intern is out, peace! (Reference to a running gag in Phineas and Ferb). Pencil needs me more.
• Batman: OK, about the plan... (they do the same thing out on the streets, but threaten people if they don't go) Anyone want to join my alliance?
• Obsidian: Uh, no. I can't!
• Batman: I'll electrocute you!
• Obsidian: Kwaheri, mshindwa! (Swahili for 'Goodbye, loser')
• OJ: Adiós.
• (Later) Batman: (growls) We only managed to get 100,000 people! And they're not even pretty.
• (Ice Cube is making her ugly face, 'Knife is strangely dancing, David is turning red, Dora is squeaking in her high-pitched voice and more. Next is everyone at the evil lair.) Eraser: What is that thing? (a strange machine)
• Blocky: Oh, this is my new creation. It makes everything on Earth switch into a random place.
• Flower: Ooh!
• Blocky: I inputted our names so it won't affect us.
• Batman: Well, turn it on or I'll stop paying you!
• Blocky: Okay, okay!
• Evil People: 100, 99, 98, 97, 96!
• Blocky: It takes 10,000 seconds.
• (Everyone groans) Evil People: 10000, 9999, 9998, 9997...

Scene 5: New Heroes' Ceremony

• (Meanwhile at Pencil's house, behind the curtains of her stage, Pencil is backstage with Match) Match: You ready?
• Pencil: I don't know! There's nearly a million new graduates. Should we only mention the ones withe experience?
• Match: We should! But I have a strange feeling as if something bad is going to happen to Pen.
• Pencil: Oh, don't be silly. I know my husband and there's nothing bad that's gonna happen to him. (now onstage. The new heroes are in the audience, while Pen and the rest of the family are on the second floor.) You've all passed the good test!
• New Heroes: (clapping) Yeah!
• Pencil: However, there were a lot of people who has had experience in evil-fighting. (then repeats in Bulgarian) Все пак, имаше много хора, които има опит в борбата срещу злото. (Vse pak, imashe mnogo khora, koito ima opit v borbata sreshtu zloto.)
• Match: First up is Ra's al-Ghul.
• Pencil: You can't be cool without meeting Ra's al-Gh— Wait! I realised something.
• Ra's al-Ghul: ¿Y que es eso?
• Pencil: Ra's means head, and Ghul means demon! We all know that Al means the.
• Amyloplast: That is so bad! In Classical Arabic that should be Rasun al-Ghuli.
• Pencil: Well, we can rename you and your daughter. What was your birth name?
• Ra's: I don't know. Batman called me a criminal and gave my daughter's and my surname al-Ghul. At least he kept my daughter's name.
• Pencil: What was her name?
• Ra's: Thalia. It means dew from God in Hebrew. (http://www.behindthename.com/name/talia) So he took of the H and now it's Talia al-Ghul. The worst part? She can't speak any English!
• Amyloplast: That is so bad! The correct was of saying it is Talia-l-Ghul. Did Batman ever take Ara—
• Everyone: Be quiet!
• Match: (clears throat) So, what do you want to be named?
• Ra's: I have always wanted to be named Manuel del Espíritu Santo (Spanish for Emmanuel of the Holy Spirit). According al sitio web en español, ElConfidencial.com, it is #1 on the boys' list. As for Talia, she can be named Thalia María del Carmen (most common female name in Equatorial Guinea) del Espíritu Santo.
• Pencil: ¡Adiós y diviértete! (Spanish for 'Goodbye and enjoy!')—
• Bane: (rudely nearly pushes Pencil, Manuel, Thalia and Match off the stage) Moohahahahahahaha! Hey! I remember you. (Sausage)
• (Sausage backs away as fast as possible as Bane gets closer... and closer... and closer to eating him again) Sausage: Help!
• Everyone: Security.
• (Match uses the emergency button that Pencil used in episode 19 of BFDI) Bane: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!
• Pencil: That's for a person who scored only 10%.
• Match: Yeah, next up is- is- is-
• Pencil: The Penguin, whose name offends me, the husband, the kids and all the penguins that came. And the the makes it sound worse.
• Garnet: Wait! I have a name!
• Pencil: What?
• Garnet: Ornithologist! It means a person who studies birds!
• Ornithologist: I think it's good.
• Match: Oh, and another suggestion. You should visit a gym.
• Ornithologist: What's a gym?
• Match: A place where people work out.
• Ornithologist: What's a work out?
• Pencil: You'll be as strong as an ox after you go there!
• Match: That way fighting evil will be easier!
• Pencil: Yeah! So what do you say?
• Ornithologist: I say I will go and start a diet!
• Everyone: Hahahahahaha! Jajajajajajaja! ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ! (If you are seeing boxes, this is Hangul kieuk, which makes the K sound. Then it skips to the next interview)
• Pencil: (almost laughing) Okay, so tell me about the time where Batman crashed your Thanksgiving party.
• Harlequin: Yeah. So I brought my nieces to my Thanksgiving party but then one of them screamed, 'Ah! Batman! Get it away!' Well, then the hideous bat showed up and caused an earthquake.
• Pencil: I know. So, I've heard that there are good harlequins and bad harlequins. What would you consider yourself?
• Harlequin: A good one!
• Pencil: So, you need a name, since yours is so punny.
• Harlequin: I love that word!
• Pencil: Me too! Well, you deserve a more human name like Carly Flynn or-
• Harlequin: Sarah Lynne!
• (skips to the next interview) Pencil: Next up is the awesome Spiderman! So? What makes you a hero?
• Spiderman: Well, I live by a motto.
• Firey: Is it YOLO?
• Spiderman: No. It's 'with power comes great responsibility'. It's basically that being a hero leads to a great amount of responsibility on your arms.
• (next interview) Pencil: So Superman, what do you live by?
• Superman: Well, it is justice and truth.
• (later is a montage of original heroes) Pencil: Alright, up next is (shudders lightly) the Joker.
• (A rumour has been going on about Pencil's sister dying in a the most terrible accident that she doesn't know about.) The Joker: Yay! Omg I'm finally meeting Pencil, my hero! Although two things. I don't like my name. I want a new one, please. Possibly Gujarati.
• Pencil: Okay. How about નીચ રંગલો મેકઅપ સાથે અદ્ભુત મનોરંજક (Nīca Rangalō Mēkaapa Sāthē Adbhuta Manōrañjaka, translated to awesome fun with ugly clown makeup [Google Translate]) combined with Avadh, meaning 'one who has not been killed' (see link here). Ah, this is so great. I wish my sister was here to see this. But sadly, my mum told me she died in a terrible car accident, but local websites said a magician wearing hideous clown makeup somehow killed her in an act, I guess.
• Pen: Hold on! He is wearing hideous clown makeup!
• Pencil Jr: And his resumée says he's a magician.
• Pencil: Thanks. (Takes out the Recovery Center, enters her name and the sister comes out and walks off stage, and now to Avadh) Never do that to me again. In fact, you should be called Avadh Bahēna Nāśaka (બહેન નાશક).
• Match: Wait, what was the second thing he wanted?
• Avadh: The second thing I wanted is (everyone's eyes widen) a new look. It makes me look like a villainous clown!
• Pencil: Well, aren't you perfect the way you are? Even though you're ugliest on DS© and Lego® games, you should always be proud of what you look like.
• Match: (interrupts) But if you really don't like what you look like, I'll fix it. I'll make all the mirrors Batman broke fit together, and you'll be glowing!
• Avadh: You're giving me a makeover? Yay!
• Match: I want no visitors to the studio! This will take thirty minutes.
• Announcer: Thirty minutes later.
• Match: (dramatically) I now ... reveal ... my greatest creation ... Vénus d'Avadh! (Avadh comes out, clowny pasty thingy gone! Ugly makeup, gone! Evil features, eradicated! Best of all, he glows! In the audience, all of the girls are fainting.)
• Pencil: Match, thi- this is amazing! He should now be named Avadh Sauthī Vadhu Aaścaryajanaka Badalāī Māṇasa Kyārēya Mārā Schrēṣṭha Mitra Aabhāra! (સૌથી વધુ આશ્ચર્યજનક બદલાઈ માણસ ક્યારેય મારા શ્રેષ્ઠ મિત્ર આભાર, translated into Thanks to my best friend, a man has never been the most surprising.)
• Puffball: Yes. How did you do it?
• Match: Well, I-
• Everyone: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Part 6: Switching and Saving

• Batman: Yes! My machine is working! Everyone will be scrambled to a random area in the universe!
• (Pencil landed nearby at a Wildlife Conservancy, while Match and Bubble landed on a deteriorating bridge with spikes underneath. Lego Brick, Mitochondria and most of the kids were in a cave, but protected by Lightbulb and Apple. Zona, Book and a survey of 1000 random people were on a game show in Hollywood. Coiny was in the scary forest surrounded by Evil Leafys. Most of Match's sisters and Needle's real family were in the Pacific Ocean. Rocky and some others were on different planets: exasolar planets. The rest were out of the omniverse.) Bubble: (whispers) Hoyalp!
• Match: She's not gonna hear you. You have to yell, HELP!
• Pencil: Omg, what happened to you?
• Match: Oh, I yelled help.
• Pencil: Before that.
• Match: I told Bubble you had to yell HELP!
• Pencil: Never mind. So, where is everyone?
• Bubble: We don't knoyow. I guoiss everyone goiat switched to roiandom ploices!
• Match: Right! So we just have to go everywhere!
• (they hear applause, because it was very loud) Pencil: Do you hear anything?
• Match: Yeah! It sounds like applause.
• Pencil: It is applause!
• Match: Well, it sounds like a game show. In Hollywood!
• (Pencil uses her superspeed to travel to Hollywood. There was Zona and Book and a survey of 1000 random people on a game show called Random Glued [a parody of Family Feud] ]. The objective of the game is to be most like the majority or you get random non-sticky glue on you.)' Leafy: Question number one. Who would marry Batman?
• Zona: Oh, this is easy. Nobody! He's so ugly he wouldn't even be able to marry a stick. She'd just barf on his ugliness like some kind of rock.
• Leafy: And the survey says: (bell rings, and 99% say that) Nobody, he's so ugly he wouldn't even be able to marry a stick, she'd just barf on his ugliness like Rocky.
• Book: Someone, but someone really hideous.
• Leafy: Survey says: (Bell rings, and only 1% say that) And Book gets glued for the fifth time!
• Book: This is actually comfortable.
• Pencil: Sorry to interrupt, but my eight-year old daughter is playing Random Glued and I'm trying to save the world. You see, this is quite complicated. A group of evil villains switched everyone to random places, so would you help me, please?
• Leafy: Of course! I mean it's a matter of life or death! (to survey) Survey, Zona and Book! Help Pencil save the world!
• Survey: Yay!
• Zona: Mum, where's Dad?
• Pencil: I don't know. Maybe in that cave!
• Zona: Why is there a cave next to a television set?
• Match: To use, like later.
• (In the cave) Yaretzi: Help! Lightbulb's scaring me!
• Lightbulb: I'm not trying to scare you, it's just this really cool trick I learned. (Then her light flickers)
• Pencil: What happened?
• Apple: I don't know! There was this tornado thingy that attacked me and put me in this cave. Wait, what's a tornado?
• Pencil: Well, I'm going to save the world from crime and evil. Want to help?
• Cave people: Yeah!
• (later, after she saved all of the other people) Pencil: Okay, this is just terrible. I have went nearly everywhere and I've never seen Pen. Maybe Match is right and something horrible has happened to him.
• Marshmallow: Uh, why is there a pair of legs directly behind that rock. And it's not Rocky.
• Pencil: It's not Pen. It's not Pen.
• Match: It is. See? She throws the rock in an opposite direction and there's nothing there.
• Pencil: Okay, let's see what I have. Cheese identifier, no. Extreme growth ray, no. Aha! Personal recovery center! (She types in PEN and he comes out)
• Pen: That was horrible! I was under a rock with poisonous insects!
• Mitochondria: It could've been worse! (Everyone looks at her) What?

Part 7: Expedition!

• Book: One question. How did Batman become evil?
• Match: Umm, let's see. It was seven years ago. Pencil and I were working at the Total Firey Island set as security interns. It was a prize!
• Pencil: A hideous-looking creature approached us. (In the flashback) What's your name? I have to see some ID.
• Batboy: (Batman as a kid) Batboy.
• Pencil: Where are your parents?
• Batboy: (screaming) My parents are dead! (then he fired his laser at Match)
• Pencil: Match, can you speak?
• Match: Yeah.
• Pencil: Never do that or we'll have to call 999. (Which is the Kenyan emergency number. [1])
• Batboy: No! Bats, I never win!
• Match: And that's the story on how he got evil.
• Bubble: Someone's coiming! Hide!
• Match: No, it's okay. It's just Blocky, Eraser, Snowball and most of the villains. Maybe they owe us money!
• Blocky: I'd like a word with all of you.
• Book: What do you want? You're all Batman's henchmen!
• Ice Cube: Henchwomen!
• Blocky: We'd like to join your alliance. (everyone is shocked) Batman's underpaying us, and he was paying us with dirt! How selfish is that?
• Match: Very.
• Eraser: Well, we brought the Switching Machine.
• Pen: Perfect! We can use it on Batman!
• Everyone: 10000! 9999! 9998! 9997! (fast forward 64'x) 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
• (A tornado rushes and picks up the remaining evil people. Flower and the others flew out in the omniverse. Obviously, nobody will save theme. Batman gets in Team No-Name's old yoylestew bowl, down in Golf Ball's underground lab [as seen on BFDIA 4) Golf Ball: And then you take out the poisons by dumping them in my handy-dandy incinerator, except for this stray creature-thing.
• Tennis Ball: And then we add the cheese!
• Golf Ball: And ham.
• Coiny: Wow! This meat is going good!
• Pencil: Taste test! (she bites the meat) Too cold.
• Golf Ball: And that's when we insert it into the Oven-o-tron and will heat up.
• Blocky: To how much?
• Golf Ball: 200 degrees Celsius.
• (Out of the oven is a Pteronotus meticulosus, but this time as a giant piece of meat.) Match: Omg that looks delicious!
• Tennis Ball: Best of all, it's made out of your enemy! How amazing is that?
• Pencil: Super amazing!

Part 8: Back Home

• (On the way to Pencil's house on the FreeSmart van*) Everyone: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Flower laid an egg! Batmobile lost all of his wheels and Pencil and Match and Pen and Avadh and Bubble and Yaretzi and Pencil Jr and...
• Announcer: Twelve minutes later.
• Everyone: And Dioptase and Tangerine Puffball saved the day! Hooray!
• (They arrive at Pencil's house. Pin appears at the door, because she is a newspaper reporter.) Pin: Hi! I'm here on NO [Nairobi Objects] News and this is your story. Right now, I'm interviewing Pencil Badhrasa Carmencita Schreiber-Zapalka née Triángolo, which most of you know is the local heroine! Pencil, are you aware that in the human world-
• Pencil: What's the human world?
• Pin: Uh, remember the contest in Season 4 where we had to go to the third dimension?
• Pencil: Yeah?
• Pin: That real world.
• Pencil: Oh.
• Pin: Anyways, in the real world, Batman is a hero. (Everyone gasps)
• Match: Wait, so is the human world opposite from ours?
• Pin: Yes.
• Pencil: So that is why Avadh showed signs of evil. Because of the pressure!
• Avadh: Oh, well I travelled from the 3D world into the 2 dimensional world with my friends, because nobody liked us. The humans there are so mean! I mean, they were the ones who caused Global Warming and the deprecation of the Ozone layer. They'd prefer Batman.
• Pencil: Wow! It's like the opposite of us.
• Pin: Well, as a reward, I'm giving you KSh 100 000 000. In honour of your heroism.
• Golf Ball: And even if we had some bad times in the past (BFDIA), I present you with this. (A mountain the size of Mt Everest made out of gold.)
• Pencil: But it's like I'm the only hero! Everyone here was a hero at one point, even by doing little things like holding the door for someone and picking up litter, from the classics (Manuel, Avadh, Superman etc) to people who just learned about feelings. (Robot Paintbrush)
• Golf Ball: Great speech. So we split it amongst the millions!
• Everyone: Yay!
• Pen Jr: Can we hurry up, the Bat-meat is getting cold.
• Pencil: Oh yeah, the feast!
• (Later at the diner hall of Pencil's house) Fries: I'd like one medium-sized Batman patty, hold the fries.
• Pen: Wow! You're our 1 000 000th customer! You get it for free!
• Donut: (one of the only villains in the omniverse) I hear free and it's making me mad!
• (camera pans to Teardrop's table) Teardrop: This is the most delicious food I've ever tasted.
• Leafy: You- you could talk? I thought they gave you surgery in Season 4!
• Teardrop: Nah, I faked it so I could get out of the competition.
• Leafy: Smart move.
• Hot Dog: This is better than Batman raw! Right kids?
• Hot Dog Jr: It could be better. Just kidding!
• Sausage: I could have it with cheese, onions and mustard.
• Cleinewien: Eww!
• Pencil: I have to say; this is a fine ending!

The end!

• At Zakawer2's request.