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Before BFDI is a[1] fanfiction created on December 13, 2014. It takes place throughout the month preceding BFDI.

Before BFDI, a series by Yterbium1
Plot Synopsis (read this first!)
December 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 89 • 10 • 11 • 1213 • 14 • 15 • 1617 • 18 • 1920 • 21 • 22 • 23 • 2425 • 2627 • 28 • 2930 • 31January 1 and after
1 Red ones are coming sooner or later to a website near you. Most likely later.


The week...

Saturday, December 1, 2007[2]

1. Pencil's room

Scene: The Triángolo's[3] house.

  • Pencil: [waking up[4]] Needle, 'ave'ee woken?[5]
  • Needle: [half-asleep] No.
  • Pencil: Needy
  • Needle: [slaps her] Don't call me Needy!
  • Nelson: Call her Needy! [slaps] Call her Needy! [slaps]
  • Pencil: Needle, what time is it?
  • Needle: 8:50, wh—
  • Pencil: No!

[Enter Estigua]

  • Estigua: Acorde, tens sábado detenção.[6]
  • Needle: Why?
  • Pencil: Mum![7]

2. Detention

Scene: School. Pencil meets in the remains of Mrs. Chembe's classroom.[8] This is where she sees her friends Book, Bubble and Ruby, who are in for the same reason.

  • Mr. Czecherson: You should know why I have gathered you all here.
  • Pencil: So we can be bored?
  • Czecherson: No.
  • Book: You knew we'd be bored without schoool!
  • Czecherson: No.
  • Bubble: To toyrture us!
  • Czecherson: Maybe.
  • Ruby: I told you guys!
  • Pencil: [quietly] Okay, why hisn't Match 'ere? She was with us th' whole time!
  • Ruby: I'm sure she ditched the detention.
  • Pencil, Book & Bubble: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.
  • Czecherson: Be quiet and listen up as I say your name for role. Ladies first. Pencil.
  • Pencil: 'Ere!
  • Czecherson: Book.
  • Book: Here.
  • Czecherson: Bubble.
  • Bubble: Hoyre!
  • Czecherson: Ruby.
  • Ruby: Here!
  • Czecherson: Flower.
  • Flower: [who has been sitting on the far side of the classroom with her gang of 8] I'M HERE, DON'T IGNORE ME!
  • Czecherson: [melodramatically] Fine! [back to his monotonous state] Scissors.
  • Scissors: Here!
  • Czecherson: And now for the boys. Blocky.
  • Blocky: Here.
  • Czecherson: Eraser.
  • Eraser: Here.

[Several names later]

  • Czecherson: Pen.
  • Pen: Here. [sitting behind the girls]
  • Czecherson: And that's all.
  • Pencil: Omg, Pen, you are here?
  • Pen: Yeah.
  • Book: Why? [he points towards Blocky's gang]
  • Ruby: Well that ain't nice!
  • Pencil: [with hearts in her eyes] How I love fer a bad boy!
  • Book: I do too! [Pencil slaps her, unintentionally, of course]
  • Blocky: Look, Czecherson's sleeping! Let's get out, boys! [They go out. Pen hides behind the girls.]
  • Czecherson: [audibly snoring] κχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχ— [hears the door open] DON'T GO OUT!!!
  • Blocky: [censored], Ruby, it's all your fault for telling on him!
  • Ruby: What did I do?
  • Eraser: You too dumb for gem school! [They laugh cruelly. Knife throws igneous rocks at Ruby.]
  • Ruby: Ow! You monsters!
  • Book: You troglodytes![9]
  • Pencil: Ye sad excuses o' men!
  • Bubble: You woirdos!
  • Knife: Then stop stealing Pen from us!
  • Pencil: No one takes Pen from me.[10]

[Lots of screaming and yelling, and Czecherson does not wake up. Ruby runs around screaming as Blocky opens the door.]

  • Czecherson: RUBY, SETTLE DOWN!!!
  • Ruby: Sorry, Mr. Czecherson. [The boys laugh.] I didn't mean to… [They laugh harder, and they laugh the hardest of them all when Ruby cries. Mr. Czecherson is asleep.]
  • Pencil: Don't cry, Ruby … Remember, I'll never make you cry.[11]

Sunday, December 2

1. Gossip in the rain

Scene: A crowded street.

  • Ruby: [hurrying along] It's time to see what my friends are doing!
  • Pencil: Yeah, an' so we were, like, inzultin' Blocky an' 'is alliance.
  • Match: Omg, did you get Eraser?
  • Pencil: Oh, we got 'em all!
  • Match: Oh no!
  • Ruby: Hi!
  • Match & Pencil: Hey girl!
  • Ruby: By any chance were you talking about me yesterday?
  • Match: Yeah, but, like, all good things.
  • Pencil: Aye.
  • Ruby: I did such a heroic act yesterday!
  • Match: Ooh, really? … [The background zooms in a ton, into subatomic. Every eight atoms in Match's phosphorous head bands together into an element called benjaminfranklinium.[12]
  • Ruby: It's so great how you'd do the same— [Zoom out]
  • Match: Ow! I'm sorry, but my hair feels, like, different.
  • Pencil: You're sure 'ee don't want to go to me mum at ther Apoth'cary?
  • Match: Sure.
  • Ruby: We'd better go; it's about to rain! [They hurry off to Estigua's laboratory, abandoning the cameraman in the process.
  • Cameraman: Wait!

2. The Apothecary

Scene: Apothecary, where Test Tube and Estigua are working on Woody, a patient.

  • Estigua: Prego.[13]
  • Test Tube: Nail?
  • Estigua: Sim.[14] [hands over nail]
  • Woody: Aa aa! A aaaa a aaaa aa aaaaa![15]
  • Estigua: Martelo.[16]
  • Test Tube: Hammer?
  • Estigua: Sim. (Pt.) [hands over hammer]
  • Woody: Aa aa! A aaaa a aaaa aa aaaaaaa!
  • Estigua: Caipirinha.[17]
  • Test Tube: Screwdriver?
  • Estigua: Não![18]
  • Test Tube: Oh, it's wonderful to be your intern and your Portuguese student, Mrs. Triángolo!
  • Estigua: Tanto faz.[19]
  • Test Tube: De nada![20]

[Enter Pencil, Match and Ruby]

  • Pencil: MUM! I need yer 'elp.
  • Test Tube: Not now, she's working.
  • Pencil: Oh, she understands English. [Estigua turns around] Match 'as somethin' in 'er 'air.
  • Test Tube: [grabs a microscope and observes Match's head] I see, it's a chemical that we haven't discovered before!
  • Match: Which is?
  • Test Tube: It's extremely rare, called BfDI. Benjaminfranklinium deuterium iodide.[21]
  • Pencil, Match & Ruby: Ooh!
  • Test Tube: It shouldn't be very dangerous, but it is extremely contagious! [changing the subject] So you know when you're sick, you have to stay home?
  • Match: [excited] Yeah!
  • Test Tube: You have to go to school since you're sick.
  • Match: Wait, what!?

Monday, December 3

1. The Quadrangle

Scene: At the school.

  • Pencil: [sighs] Oh, it's 4:45. Where's Match?
  • Bubble: Moybe she's late!
  • Pencil: Like, 'ow late? Ruby late or just 13 secon's after the bell late?[22]
  • Bubble: Woill, Moitch is—
  • Pencil: Omg, we have to meet Book at the library!
  • Bubble: For whot?
  • Pencil: To talk 'bout … science.
  • Bubble: Okoy, can I come?
  • Pencil: Sure! [They run to the library] Oh, 'ey Pen! [They stop. Pencil kisses him.]
  • Bubble: Blekkh!
  • Pen: [to himself] Oh, one[23] this time. Anyways, I have some news.
  • Pencil: Oh no, wots't, bae?[24][25]
  • Pen: Match isn't coming to school today.
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Pen: Ha! You got me! I meant she was going to be late!
  • Pencil: Wow, Pen, that was not funny. Right, Bubble? [Bubble is nowhere to be seen]

[Enter Match, coughing]

[Enter Bubble during]

  • Bubble: Ha, you said boyzums! [Match sends her a look of disapproval]
  • Pencil: Wait, 'ow'd'ee know?
  • Pen: Well, y'know, she has[27]
  • Match: [growing increasingly angry] Pen, don't you DARE!!! [She wrestles him, obviously winning.]
  • Pen: No, no no no no no, I said I'm sorry! And aren't I supposed to be the stronger one …

[Exeunt Pencil and Bubble, quietly. The headmistress and the Hall Monitor watch, cheering on Pen, more of an ally than Match is to them.]

  • Headmistress Golf Ball: Ecce![28] No wrestling outside! [Match stops] I expected worse from you, and more from you.
  • Match: See!
  • Pen: Can we wrestle inside?
  • Match: Omg, no! You're my older brother! I'd, like, rather wrestle Eraser[29]
  • All students: [stopping in their tracks] Oooooooooooooooooooooooh!
  • Hall Monitor Tennis Ball: Get to class, everyone, you don't want to be late!

2. Mrs. Chembe's Classroom

Scene: Mrs. Chembe's classroom for home room. [Match runs toward Pencil. In Mrs. Chembe's room, everyone is chattering about who the substitute is going to be. Fortunately, nobody notices them enter. The bell rings.]

  • Unknown voice: In a second!

[The students chatter more, recognising the voice. Enter Mrs. Chembe, their main professor.]

  • Mrs. Chembe: I'm back! [The students cheer.] I knew you missed me!
  • Students: Yeah!
  • Blocky: No.
  • Mrs. Chembe: Well to you! Five day detention. [throws metamorphic rocks[30] at Blocky]
  • Blocky: But—
  • Mrs. Chembe: No. [the students laugh]
  • Match: This is the most fun I've ever had in this dump.
  • Mrs. Chembe: Were the subs nice?
  • Pencil: No! They all left before class started!


    • Ms. A: Attendance! Apple.
    • Apple: Cheer.
    • Ms. A: No, it's here, Apple. But thanks. Blocky?
    • Blocky: You are such a [censored for a long time]
    • Ms. A: [cries] If that's how you want it, I'll just leave! [runs away in tears]

[The next day]

    • Mrs. Zheng: Apple!
    • Apple: Beer!
    • Mrs. Zheng: Blocky?
    • Blocky: Oh my lord, I hate you and your [censored for a long time]
    • Mrs. Zheng: [confused] What? [A Chinese student gets up and whispers to her ear hearing organs] Aah! 你是一個怪物!我希望你不要來學校![31]
    • Pencil[32]: She doesn't wan'ee in the school, 'a-ha!
    • Blocky: Grr! [attacks Mrs. Zheng, but runs away quickly]

[The next day]

    • Pencil: [to the new substitute, Ms. Compass] When'ee do hattendance, skip Blocky's name. 'E hain't in this class anymore.
    • Ms. Compass: Okay, attendance! Apple!
    • Apple: Military volunteer![33] [everyone laughs quietly]
    • Ms. Compass: Okay, that will do. Bubble!
    • Bubble: Hoy—
    • Blocky: What about me! You forgot me! [throws a ball of yarn at the sub's head]
    • Yarn Ball: Ow!
    • Blocky: I will get you, dumb girl! [she runs off, crying]
  • Pencil: In fact, it wasn't 'til our last sub came!
    • Mr. Submarine: [walking in] Attention, excuses for objects. Are you going to learn, or will you FIGHT!?
    • Match: I'd rather fight!
    • Mr. Submarine: Shut up! Now who is here? Apple.
    • Apple: Year.
    • Mr. Submarine: Apple, it's here. Here. Here! HERE!!!!
    • Apple: Yeah, I know.
    • Mr. Submarine: Blocky.
    • Blocky: I'm … here! Can't you recognize my existence! I am here, and you should not be here like the rest of you WEENIES!!!! You are SUCH A [censored for a long time]
    • Mr. Submarine: Oh my gosh, all the pressure![34] You're killing me Blockyyyyyyyyyyyyyy— [runs away in tears]

[Pencil raises her hand]

    • Mrs. Chembe: Yes, dear?
  • Pencil: How's America?
  • Mrs. Chembe: It was so fun! So many different cultural traditions!
  • Blocky[35]: [reclining on his chair] Yeah. That's my country. [falls down on his chair. Everyone laughs.]
  • Pencil: Did you ferget Swahili?
  • Mrs. Chembe: Si wakati wote![36] Anyhow, how were all y'all's vacations?[37]
  • Monocler: Pray tell, what is this vacation?
  • Pencil: 'Ow was'ee holiday?
  • Monocler: In that case, 'twas beneficial.
  • Pencil: Like— [bell rings] No! Can we stay 'ere?
  • Mrs. Chembe: No, you have to go to your new period first class!
  • Bubble: Aw, I don't woinna go to Mr. Cove!

[Omnes exeunt.[38]]

Tuesday, December 4

1. A pavillion under Mr. Cove's room

Scene: The bell will ring in a few seconds. Mrs. Chembe's students are exiting from her class.[39]

  • Match: Alright, TTYL!
  • Pencil: An' 'ave fun at the party!
  • Mrs. Chembe: I'll try!

[Omnes exeunt.]

  • Pencil: Bye, Match.
  • Match: See you, like, second period! [they go from each other]
  • Pencil: 'Right, Bubble, now, you's me best friend this period.
  • Bubble: Yoylecake!

[Another history lesson later.]

2. Mr. Cove's room

Scene: Mr. Cove is grading papers and bored, sends out all the students.

  • Mr. Cove: [monotonously] Class you may go before the bell rings.

[Omnes exeunt. Out of Mr. Cove's lamp, enter BFDI Fairy.]

  • Mr. Cove: Who are you? You are not in my next class. Please stop bothering me. [The BFDI fairy flies around Mr. Cove]
  • BFDI Fairy: [mystically] Oooooooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Willahalah obama! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I-was-watching-you-sleep-last-night! Nghawawawawawawa![40] You will talk about BFDI, and only BFDI. The letters B, F, D and I! Gahahahahaha!

[Enter students, led by Book. BFDI fairy hides in the lamp.]

  • Book: Hey, Mr. Cove!
  • Mr. Cove: [possessed by the fairy] BFDI! BFDI! Everything is BFDI! B is for Book! F is for Fail! D is …
  • Match: [to Book] Like, what's with him?

3. The same pavillion rooms away from Mr. Cove

Scene: After class. Match is seen putting her things in her locker. [Enter Pencil.]

  • Pencil: 'Ey.
  • Match: The weirdest thing just, like, happened! Mr. Cove was yelling BFDI!
  • Pencil: Weird. 'E probably jus' liked yer 'air.
  • Match: Well …

[They stop as they hear all the professors near Mr. Cove's room yelling.]

  • Professors: BFDI! BFDI! BFDI! BFDI!
  • Match: That's strange! I've, like, never heard Mrs. Imamura yell before! And I've never, like, had her!

[They stare at each other in horror]

  • Match: Omg, do you want to go off campus for lunch?
  • Pencil: Hexactly wot I was thinkin'.
  • Match: Yeah, let's invite them all.

[They walk away calmly as more are infected by the fairy. They all yell BFDI.

4. Haroldine's Cafe[41]

Scene: Lunch. The alliance is eating food.

  • Match: Aren't you, like, worried about our profs?
  • Book: What for … oh, yeah! Well, I, for one, am really concerned.
  • Bubble: Yeah, I get scoired of moind control!
  • Pencil: Don't worry, Bubble, I really don't think—

[Enter Caldera.]

  • Caldera: What's wrong? Ain't y'all gonna eat ya food?
  • Ruby: No, we're too concerned to eat!
  • Caldera: What do you need, girls? I have some of Haroldine's greatest!
  • Pencil: No thank'ee, we're in a situation.
  • Caldera: What kind a situation?
  • Bubble: Excyoyse me, but where is your book of horrible situoitions?
  • Caldera: Right here!

[Enter Book of Horrible Situations]

  • Book: [recognising a rival] Blekh!
  • Book of Horrible Situations: What's wrong, Book? Too stupid to speak? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  • Book: Hey, you're four years younger than me and have less entries! What has given?
  • BoHS: The fact that I have changed my name.
  • Book: That's so cool, what is it?
  • BoHS: Book for Dire Instances!
  • Bubble: Hurry up already!
  • Pencil: Aye, we need to fin' a hanswar in 'ere book.
  • Match: So the problem is, like, this. Every professor in our school is, like, saying BFDI all of the sudden, and we need you to— [realises he's gone] Hello?
  • Ruby: Whatever, let's just pay and go. [They pay and go.]
  • Caldera: Bye!

5. Walking back to school

Scene: They are on the way back to school on an isolated street.

  • Pencil: Ok, so it's, like, the first day o' Hanukkah.[42] Wot're'ee doin' this year, Match? A party?
  • Match: Yeah! You're, like, all invited.
  • Ruby: Yes! I'm going to wear my dreidel outfit and my menorah hat[43] and we'll be—
  • Match: Hey hey hey, wait wait not so fast. My parents just had a bad day at work, so, like, don't be too weird.
  • Pencil: O' course! Anythin' fer Pen! [Match glares] … and you.
  • Match: Alright, it starts at exactly 6:29.
  • Bubble: Whoy that time?
  • Match: 'Cause it's, like, sunset!
  • Book: Ah, that makes sense.

6. Match's house

Scene: After school. Light klezmer music[44] is playing in preparation for the party.

  • Aristotelis: Everyone stop!! Stop the music … [turns off Pen's radio] … enough with the food … [dumps the food table] … and no television! [turns off the TV]
  • Match: Omg, Ari,[45] why are you, like, ruining everythinggggggg?
  • Katarzyna: Kids, your father has a surprise for you all.
  • Aristotelis: That's right. For Hanukkah, we're not staying home.
  • Match, Pen & Eraser: What?
  • Pen: Kat, that's not fair!
  • Katarzyna: Oh yes it is fair.[46]
  • Match: Like, what are we doing?
  • Katarzyna: We are going to the Spongies' for Hanukkah!
  • Match: What? I don't even like the Spongies' anymore![47]
  • Pen: Are they even Jewish?
  • Katarzyna: No, but they are very close family friends.
  • Pen: You only met them yesterday.
  • Aristotelis: But even Eraser wants to go!
  • Eraser: No I don't, dad.
  • Katarzyna: Oh … in that case … [flustering] … you can stay at home and watch TV!
  • Match & Pen: What!?
  • Pen: That's not even the spirit of Hanukkah!

[They both stutter and leave with their parents. Around the same time Pencil, Bubble, Ruby and Book enter.]

  • Pencil: [calling from outside] 'Ello, is anyone home? Wotever, we'll jus' enter.
  • Book: It looks like a ghost town in here! [notices Eraser lying on the sofa] Oh Hey Era—
  • Eraser: Grr!
  • Book: —ser?
  • Pencil: Never mind'et, where's Match?
  • Eraser: They left for the Spongies' house.
  • Pencil: Okay … h'alliance, we mus' make a choice we've never done before.
  • Eraser: Which is?
  • Pencil: Not you! But we have to go to the Spongies' 'ouse.

7. On the streets of Nairobi

Scene: They walk there quietly. [A voice is heard and a figure is walking.]

  • Book: I mean, it won't be so bad! It might as well be a party!
  • Unknown voice: [gasps] Did I hear someone say "party"?
  • Ruby: Huh, who's there?

[Enter Orange Ball]

  • Orange Ball: It's me!
  • Bubble: Oh, hey OB! What broings you hoyre?
  • Pencil: Aye, 'tis Tuesday night!
  • Orange Ball: I have nothing to do, so I'm just walking around town!
  • Ruby: You could join us at the party! We need a place.
  • Orange Ball: Oh, I love parties! What kind of party? Is it a birthday party? Or a gift switching party, 'cause I love—
  • Book: No, it's a Hanukkah party. Or a Chanukah party.
  • Orange Ball: What's the difference?
  • Book: The spelling.
  • Orange Ball: Well … [thinking] I guess so! My parents are sleeping.[48]
  • Pencil: Aye, thank'ee so much!

8. Orange Ball's house

Scene: The Hanukkah or Chanukah party. [They go to Orange Ball's house, where they party for an unspecified amount of time.]

  • Pencil: Omg, this is so fun! But what do we do?
  • Ruby: Yeah, none of us are Jewish.[49]

[Enter Match and Pen.]

  • Match: Who says you have to be Jewish to celebrate the Festival of Lights?[50]
  • Bubble: Omg, do your parents knoyow about this?
  • Pen: No, we just snuck out while they were eating Spongy cake.
  • Pencil: How I love—
  • Pencil, Bubble, Book & Ruby: For a bad boy! [they all laugh]
  • Book: Aren't they worried?
  • Match: So you know how in cartoons, like, people appear at a party and at the same, like, time they appear on the streets differently clothed or whatever?
  • Pencil: No.
  • Pen: We did just that!
  • Match: Now let's party like there's no makhar![51]
  • All: Yeah!

[They party.]

Wednesday, December 5

Author's Notes

If you don't care for theatre, shipping or metaphors for strange chemicals, you can just skip to the other day. (It's okay, we all have those moments!)

1. The same pavillion under Mr. Cove

Scene: Theatre club.[52] As of now, they are doing Gilbert and Sullivan's The Gondoliers.[53][54] Pencil and Match are confused on whether it's orchestra or chorus rehearsal day.

  • Pencil: Omg, did'ee see how bad Mrs. Chembe looks?
  • Match: Yeah, I kind of feel bad!
  • Pencil: Her party was apparently so great!
  • Match: But now, she has to[55] advise us!
  • Pencil: Not today! It's orchestra rehearsal day!
  • Match: Really, I thought it was for, like, chorus.
  • Pencil: We should ask someone.[56]

[Just then, a sign appears out of nowhere.[57]]

  • Pencil: Hmm … it says … [reads] Omg, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!

2. Kwanzajinawa[58] Theatre

Scene: An obviously inebriated Mrs. Chembe is waiting there.

  • Mrs. Chembe: [inebriated] Gia … net … ta, Patie … nce, you're earlyyyy.
  • Pencil & Match: Sorry, Mrs. Chembe!
  • Mrs. Chembe: Well, join the rest of the fairies[59] in the Zankwaniwaja … Teathre. Yeah, that's what it's called.

[They enter, where everyone is practising their songs and other things.]

  • Match: Omg! She forgot to introduce the "late students"![60]
  • Pencil: Somethin's wrong with 'er. [to Mrs. Chembe] Mrs. Chembe, is there somethin' wrong?
  • Mrs. Chembe: [startled] Ah! No, get back to my station, gentle Duchess!
  • Pencil: Duchess? [gasps in shock]
  • Match: Omg, what happened?
  • Pencil: There!
  • Mrs. Chembe: [to Pen and Eraser] Alright Pen, what part are you playing?
  • Pen: [with believably fake Italian accent] Only da grrreatest-a most 'andsomest gondolierrri[61] in all of Venezia[62], Marco Palmierrri[63]
  • Mrs. Chembe: Nice. Now stay like that for the … the … the real play. And Eraser! What part are you playing?
  • Eraser: The other one.

[Enter Pencil.]

  • Pencil: Mrs. Chembe, can I w—
  • Mrs. Chembe: [to Pencil] Shoo, fly!
  • Pencil: Ah!
  • Mrs. Chembe: [to the boys] Then switch.
  • Pen: What! I can't hit those low notes without a voice modifier![64]
  • Eraser: And being a tenor is so unmanly![65][66]
  • Mrs. Chembe: Well … that may … might … could, would should[67] be considered cheating, so you have to stay in those roles. Also, you know your solo, Eraser?
  • Eraser: Sure.
  • Mrs. Chembe: We're changing it. Gentlemen and gentlewomen[68], "Take a pair of sparkling eyes" becomes "Prepare for BFDI!"

[Everyone gasps]

  • Leafy: [in her nice ways] Mrs. Chembe! I really feel bad for you and I'm about to get help as of now.

[Exit Leafy. Meanwhile, with Pencil and Match.]

  • Pencil: Omg, 'e did not jus' say that las' night!
  • Match: Yeah, he like did! Did you know that—

[Enter United States Dollar with Leafy.]

  • United States Dollar: [enters with numerous police tools] Freeze! [recognizing them] Oh wait! You're one of them popular theater groups in the country! So I should really say … [singing badly] Freeze! [They all cover their ears hearing holes.]
  • Coiny: Dad, what do you want?
  • United States Dollar: I have come to arrest Mrs. Oksijeni Chembe.[69]

[Everyone is confused.]

  • Mrs. Chembe: What? Do you want anything, occifer? Help! Help! Help! [is being led away in United States Dollar's police car]
  • Coiny: Uh, I should have known this—
  • Eraser: You mean this was all your fault?
  • Coiny: No, not exactly. Someone called the police on Mrs. Chembe because she was acting "wrong"!

[Everyone turns towards Pencil.]

  • Pencil: [whistles nonchalantly] Wot, no! I mean, sure I says 'e, but i' don't mean I called the cops on 'er.
  • Match: Pencil is right, she did nothing wrong!
  • Leafy: Well … [A thought bubble comes up of all the times Pencil has made some mistakes. Match angrily pops the thought bubble.] Wait, how is that possible? Now I can't think!
  • Match: So you know how, like, in movies where—
  • All: Yes, we know.
  • Match: At least Pencil doesn't, like, interrupt, right, Penc— [notices she's gone] —il? Pencil? [goes to the back of the stage, where she finds her and Pen kissing] PENCIL! PEN! WHAT THE [censored] ARE YOU, LIKE, DOING!?!?!?
  • Pencil: Ah, sorry we jus' disappeared, we were practising fer the kissin' scene!
  • Match: What kissing scene?

[Enter Eraser.]

  • Pen: The stage directions! "Each man kisses each girl."
  • Eraser: That scene is supposed to last one second[70], not five minutes! [laughs]
  • Match: Whatever … well, carry on!
  • Eraser: No, let's join them!
  • Match: No, let's like not, they've stopped.

[Match and Eraser kiss for a long time.]

  • Pencil: Thet scene's suppos'd to las' one second, not five minutes![71]

[Enter Mrs. Chembe.]

  • Mrs. Chembe: Everyone, I'm back! Now, Latecil and Latech, you had questions.
  • Pencil: Aye, we saw everything.
  • Match: Did you really mean Pen had to, like, speak in an Italian accent?
  • Mrs. Chembe: No.
  • Pencil: An' did'ee really mean I now 'ave to kiss Eraser?
  • Mrs. Chembe: No.
  • Match: And did you, like, really mean that Pen and Eraser would change roles?
  • Mrs. Chembe: No.
  • Pencil: An' did you really change the song to "Prepare for BFDI"?
  • Mrs. Chembe: Yes.
  • Pencil & Match: What?

[At the same time, enter the rest of the alliance.]

  • Ruby: What have you been taking?
  • Mrs. Chembe: I have been taking BfDI!
  • Match: Like my hair?
  • Mrs. Chembe: Yes … [wildly] Can I have some?
  • Match: No! I'm not, like, going to give— Wait. Was this from the party?
  • Mrs. Chembe: Yes …
  • Pencil: I see …

Thursday, December 6

1. Mrs. Chembe's classroom

Scene: School in the morning. Mrs. Chembe's students are in her room for a test.

  • Golf Ball: [on the intercom] Attention students. There will be a "No BFDI" day today. Due to unprecedented circumstances, BFDI will be said and mentioned a lot less today.
  • Students: YAY!!!
  • Mrs. Chembe: In that case, there is a test today.
  • Mrs. Chembe's students: Aw …
  • Mrs. Chembe: Don't worry! I shall give you ten minutes to study within a group.

[Everyone is chattering, but not about the test.[72]]

  • Apple: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
  • Pencil: Omg, guys, did'ee like study?
  • Match: No.
  • Pencil: Match, you ne'er study fer any test!
  • Bubble: Yeah, it's like a tradoytion!
  • Pencil: Pen, did you study?
  • Pen: [anxious] No, no I didn't study, I mean why would you think that—

[The alliance gasps, as engraved on his arm as Marker's in BFDI 17 are the test answers.]

  • Pencil: Wot? Cheatin' again?
  • Bubble: Isn't this your fiftointh time?
  • Pen: No, sixteenth. [smiles like it's no big deal]
  • Pencil: No big deal? It is a big deal! Yer gonna' fail this test if Mrs. Chembe finds out!
  • Pen: Like …
  • Match: Okay, like, listen. If I get a higher score on the test than, like, you, then you owe me 1,800 shillings.[73]
  • Pen: Deal.
  • Pencil: Wait, why that much?
  • Match: Like, I really want that new bike.
  • Pencil: I already 'ave that!
  • Match: No need to brag!
  • Mrs. Chembe: Alright, I think that's enough! Now, Shamisen … [hands the papers to her helper] … I want you to distribute the tests to everyone.
  • Shamisen: Yes, madam. [gives test to the rows]
  • Mrs. Chembe: You know the rules … no electrical devices or cheating methods listed on this sheet. [Writing it on your arm is not one of them, shockingly.]

[The test begins. Match and her alliance are filling in the answers independently, whilst Pen quickly sees back to his arm and then to the test. Mrs. Chembe notices.]

  • Mrs. Chembe: Pen, please come up here. [Blocky's alliance is laughing.[74]] Now, because I can clearly see that you have written on your arm the answers, you get a 0.
  • Pen: What? [Blocky's alliance laughs the most since Ruby cried.]

2. Hallways

Scene: Pencil is walking with her alliance (without Match) and Pen.

  • Pencil: Omg, you shou't've done thet!
  • Book: Done what?
  • Pencil: He cheated on the test!
  • Book: Wow, Pen, you're so bad!
  • Ruby: So bad indeed!
  • Pen: Hey, I didn't mean to! And what's more unnerving is that Match is going to find out!
  • Ruby: She doesn't know? I thought you were in the same room!
  • Bubble: She wois, but she was so concentrated on the test I doubt she knoyow about Pen's choiting!
  • Book: Hey, where is Match?
  • Pencil: She's in the locker room still.

[Enter Match.]

  • Match: Omg, I am so happy!
  • Ruby: Why?
  • Match: So I, like, found 2000 shillings on the floor on the locker room!
  • Pencil: Did it belong to anyone?
  • Match: I don't know; I just, like, took it.
  • Book: Ugh, your whole family's crazy in the head!

[Exit Book.[75]]

  • Match: What was that all about?
  • Pencil: [loudly] Pen was cheating on Chembe's test! Pen was cheating on Chembe's test and got a zero!
  • Match: Omg, really? Well, like, I guess I owe you 200 shillings. [Her arm is outstretched for Pen to take the money] NOT!
  • Pen: Why!?
  • Match: Wow, like, don't get all wkurzony[76] on me!
  • Pen: No, I mean that the Gang of 8 is throwing a party tomorrow! Our mum's not going to let me go with a failing grade!
  • Pencil: Like, the Gang's 'avin' a party, an' they di'n't invite me? Omg, I feel so unpopular!
  • Pen: Well, you can go crash the party; this is, like, my seventeenth one.
  • Match: Good for you! This would be our twentieth party if your gang'd, like, invited us!
  • Ruby: Yeah!
  • Pencil: Down with gang misogyny!
  • Ruby: Yeah!
  • Match: Girl power!
  • Ruby: Yea—
  • Pencil: Okay, you can stop now.
  • Pen: If I ask mum about the party, you, Match, can not be listening!
  • Match: Fine, I thought you were a good older brother!
  • Pencil: Aye, stop actin' like a jerk!

[Exeunt Match, Pencil, Bubble & Ruby.]

  • Pen: Oh, what have I done …

3. Match's house

Scene: With cleverly connected strings and cans around the house in a primitive form of telephone, connecting all to the alliance members' homes.[77]

  • Match: [to the alliance] Okay, everyone, come on over.

[Within seconds, Pencil, Match, Ruby, Bubble and Book enter the house silently.]

  • Katarzyna: [aside to Aristotelis] Hun, what are all of Match's friends doing here?
  • Aristotelis: [with his face in a newspaper] Don't know, don't care.
  • Katarzyna: Um … girls, where are you going?
  • Book: I don't know. Match just invited us all to your unethical household!
  • Katarzyna: Unethical? Aris, was it the food?
  • Aristotelis: [still reading] Whatever.

[Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: Mum?
  • Katarzyna: [excited] Yes?
  • Pen: I have to talk to you about somethi—
  • Katarzyna: Oh my gosh, I have to talk to you about something also! Three, two, one—
  • Pen & Katarzyna: The party!
  • Pen: Huh?
  • Katarzyna: You know that party you're going to?
  • Pen: Yeah.
  • Katarzyna: You're not going.
  • Pen: Of course I am, I got … the telekinetic invitation!
  • Katarzyna: No, I mean you are banned from going.
  • Pen: But Kaaaaat—
  • Aristotelis: Aaaaaand we're back to anger.
  • Katarzyna: Will you stay out of this? [to Pen sternly] I just received a PTP e-mail that says you failed your test from cheating.
  • Aristotelis: [looking up from his newspaper in shock] Cheating?
  • Pen: What does PTP mean? Some kind of drink?
  • Katarzyna: Professor-to-parent, you'll learn it when you have kids.
  • Pen: Like I'll ever[78]
  • Katarzyna: No child of mine can go to a party with an F.
  • Aristotelis: Well, it's actually E in Kenya, so—
  • Katarzyna: [to Aristotelis] Shhh! [to Pen] Go on.
  • Pen: Eraser's failing in all his classes, why can he go?
  • Aristotelis: 'Cause he's my son.
  • Pen: But I'm
  • Katarzyna: Y'know, Aris, he's right. You may go to the party.
  • Pen: Oh, thanks mum! I'll just go up—
  • Katarzyna: Under one condition!
  • Pen: And that is?
  • Katarzyna: Tell me the date, time, address and how many adults are supervising.
  • Pen: Mum!
  • Aristotelis: You promised!
  • Pen: Okay, but because I think the girls are listening, I'll say it really quietly.


  • Match: He said really quietly! Everyone shut up!
  • Pencil: But firs', Book, like, open to a fresh new page.
  • Book: Done!
  • Pencil: Right.

[They listen as Pen explains to Katarzyna the "plan" is.]

  • Pen: [sighing] Okay, it's tomorrow from 7 to 3—
  • Katarzyna: Seven at night? Until three in the morning?
  • Pen: Yes, and it's at 823 North Kabisasikilimochagiza[79] Avenue, Nairobi Heights.
  • Katarzyna: How do you spell?
  • Pen: Er … it's spelt K-A-B-I-S-A-S …


  • Book: Hey, can you put it up more? I can't hear. [Match does so, but it breaks.]
  • Pencil: Omg, we can't 'ear the rest o' th' address!


  • Katarzyna: Hold on, I thought I heard a wire break.
  • Aristotelis: I did too.
  • Pen: Oh, it's probably nothing. Anyways, the number of adults supervising is … zero.
  • Katarzyna: [baffled] Zero!? Should I come and supervise you?
  • Pen: Um … oh … well … [does the same filler Leafy does as she's eating the onion in BFDIA 5a] Yes, you can supervise.
  • Katarzyna: Done!
  • Pen: Yes! Thank you, mum!
  • Katarzyna: You're so welcome! Also, there's pierogis in the oven for dinner.
  • Pen: Ok. [sprints up to the girls]


  • Pencil: Well, so he says thet I was going ter—

[Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: She said yes!

[The girls all cheer.]

  • Match: Like, you don't mind if we, like, wrote down your conversation, do you?
  • Pen: Of course not! Because I'm going to the party!
  • Alliance: Yes!
  • Pencil: I'ven't giv'n'ee one o' these in hours! [She kisses him, and the episode ends]

Friday, December 7

1. Outside school

Scene: Before the bell rings.

  • Pencil: Ok, do you says "ee"-ther or "eye"-ther?[80]
  • Match: Well, I, like, say "eye"-ther, due to my, like, Canadian origins.
  • Pencil: Same!

[Enter Bubble, Ruby & Book.]

  • Pencil: So wot did yer parents says 'bout the party? Mine says thet I can only go with Needle an' Nelson.
  • Ruby: My mom said I have to go with my 35 sisters.
  • Bubble: You have 35 sisters? Since whoin?
  • Ruby: Always!
  • Bubble: My poirents said I could go!
  • Book: Me too! I can also invite some friends from camp![81]
  • Ruby: Which camp?
  • Book: International camp.
  • Match: So, we're all, like, set.
  • Pencil: Omg, but look to there! [Sees Blocky's gang threatening Pen]
  • Eraser: You told mum to surpervise us—
  • Blocky: And then continued to give her the details!
  • Eraser: We can't change it! Nobody wants us!
  • Flower: Let's just keep the party a secret. [to Pen] RIGHT AFTER I KICK YOU IN THE …
  • Book: I'm going to call a monitor. [There is no monitor in the dark bosoms of the alley.] Ugh, where is the hall monitor when you need him?[82]
  • Tennis Ball: DON'T WORRY, BOOK, I'M HERE! [runs his fastest[83] speed towards the alliance and the gang.]
  • Flower: And for that, I'm gonna stuff you in a locker.
  • Gang of 8: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
  • Pen: Oh my gosh, I'm sorry if there's been any …
  • Flower: Shut up, fool! Now out of my way, I need my space! [pushes everyone out of the way for Pen to fit in her locker]
  • Students: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
  • Pen: Flower, can I just say one last w—
  • Flower, Pencil & Tennis Ball: No!

[Pencil rushes to Flower, kicking her in the process saving Pen.]

  • Pen: Thank you so much!
  • Pencil: Yer welcome. [They kiss.]
  • Tennis Ball: Flower, what are you doing here? You don't even go to this school!
  • Gang of 8, 7 speaking: You don't?
  • Blocky: But I thought those who graduated here were allowed in!
  • Tennis Ball: No, she didn't graduate.
  • Gang of 8: Hahahahaahahahahahahah!
  • Tennis Ball: I've been here for several years; Flower most definitely left in 1976.
  • Gang of 8: Hahahahaahahahahahahah!
  • Flower: You guys are young anyways! I'm going to terrify the 2nd graders.
  • Tennis Ball: Nope! Do you all want to know why she left?
  • Gang of 8: How?
  • Tennis Ball: She. Dropped. Out.

[Pretty soon, almost all of the Gang drops out of school.[84] All that's left is Eraser]

  • Match: Omg, Eraser, go drop out with them!
  • Pencil: Match!
  • Match: Sorry.
  • Eraser: I don't want to drop out.
  • Match: Then good for you!
  • Pencil: Wait, ain't'ee still part o' their gang?
  • Eraser: Yeah. Well, I'm still going to their party.
  • Pen: Yeah, so am I.
  • Match: We're "not!" [They laugh.]

[Exeunt Pencil, Match, Bubble, Ruby, Book and Pen.

2. Match's house

Scene: After school. Pen and Eraser are walking home and they enter to a dark house.

  • Pen: Hello? Why are the lights so dark?
  • Blocky: [in the dark] We've been waiting for you.
  • Flower: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
  • Eraser: I'm going to call the cops on you if you don't stop, Flower.
  • Pen: I'm going to call the cops on all of you for intruding my house.
  • Eraser: Even me?
  • Pen: No. And where have you all been?
  • Blocky: Here! We dropped out, remember?
  • Pen: From school?
  • Snowball: School? School? Bah, I hate that most dreadful word!
  • Pen: I mean where have you been in my house?
  • Blocky: We basically destroyed your sister's room.
  • Eraser: Why did you do that!?
  • Flower: Because it was fun! We found all her secrets about boys … in this diary! [shows Match's extremely secret diary]
  • Gang of 8: Yeah!
  • Eraser: What? I try to open that thing and it doesn't work.
  • Pen: Never mind that, Match is going to freak when she sees all of you here.

[Enter Match, Pencil, Bubble, Book & Ruby.]

  • Pen: Hey … girls.
  • Match: [confused] Hey?
  • Pencil: Wot's with them?
  • Match: Dunno.

[Camera follows the girls going upstairs.]

  • Bubble: Well, at least you can foind sanctuaroy in your room!
  • Pencil: Umm … you may want ter rethink thet.
  • Match: [stares at the remains of her room] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [runs downstairs as the alliance cover their ears hearing holes] Aaaaaaaah! Pen what did you do?[85]
  • Pen: I swear I did nothing.
  • Eraser: I-did-nothing-too!
  • Match: Don't worry, like, babyyyyyyyy, I'm not going to hurt you.
  • Flower: Humph! It says here you like Firey! [shows diary]
  • Match: What, you read my diary!? There's, like, 12 years of secrets!
  • Blocky: Wait, Flower, you know how to read?
  • Flower: No, I just like watching Match flirt with Firey.
  • Match: No— [discovers Blocky holding ripped papers] Ah! What are those?
  • Blocky: Only 17 years of your precious childhood memories, RIPPED TO SHREDS!
  • Match: And what's that?
  • Snowball: 'Tis the true copy of your birth records.
  • Match: B-birth rec—
  • Trophy: So it's like you never existed!
  • Gang of 8: Hahahahahahahaha!
  • Book: Oh, I feel so bad for her!
  • Ruby: I know!
  • Pencil: So pitiful!
  • Bubble: Whoy did this happen?
  • Match: That's it! I'd cry, like, right now, but I'm more mad! OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW!!
  • Blocky: Nope! We're staying here.
  • Flower: We've been homelessed!
  • Trophy: This is our house now.
  • Match: Ah! [calls for her mother] MUM!
  • Pencil: Ain't she at work now?
  • Match: Nooooooooooooooooo!

[Enter Katarzyna.]

  • Katarzyna: Dzień dobry,[86] everyone.
  • Gang of 8 & Eraser: Jindoburi!
  • Match's alliance & Pen: Jian dou bree!
  • Match: Mum, we have a really big problem!
  • Katarzyna: What is it?
  • Match: Those "angels" over there ransacked my room!
  • Katarzyna: Good for them!
  • Match: Mum!
  • Ruby: To clarify, Blocky and his friends went into Match's room—
  • Bubble: And read her doyaries—
  • Book: And ripped her photos—
  • Ruby: And stole her birth records!
  • Katarzyna: What!?
  • Pencil: It'll cost a fortune, but ye're rich, I know'ee can afford the payment.
  • Katarzyna: No no no this doesn't involve money. All the memories my young girl has gone through, I have gone through too! I'm effectively useless now … [She cries.]
  • Eraser: Are we still going to the party?
  • Match: Party!? You're going to go to the party while my life's, like, all messed up?
  • Book: Well we can't cancel it now, my friends from camp are coming whether they like it or not!
  • Match: What? There's no place to stay if my room's been, like, overturned by an earthq— Pen, can we all sleep in your room?
  • Pen: No.
  • Match: Omg, fine, we'll just go to the party.
  • Match's alliance: Yay.
  • Blocky: You invited girls, Pen? They're WEAKER!

[The girls all gasp.]

  • Flower: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! [punches Blocky into a hole in the wall]
  • Match: I want to punch all of you! You're, like, spreading your destructination to all around the house!
  • Pencil: Be gone, monstrous hobos!

[Exeunt all of the Gang except Eraser and Pen. At the same time, enter Ice Cube, Pin and Baseball Cap.]

  • Ice Cube: Is this where Book is?
  • Book: Oh my paragraph, it's you! [She hugs them]
  • Pencil: [whispering] They're a bit young, ain't'ee?[87][88]
  • Ruby: Yeah, they are.
  • Book: So this is Ice Cube, Pin and Baseball Cap.
  • Match, Ruby, Pencil & Bubble: Hi!
  • Book: And the others[89] are people whom I know vaguely.
  • Match, Ruby, Pencil & Bubble: Hahahaha …
  • Book: I'm going to get some[90] drinks.
  • Match: No, I should.
  • Book: No, I should.
  • Match: No, I should!
  • Book: No, I should!
  • Match: No, you should.
  • Book: Okay!

[Exit Book.]

  • Pin: Hey! What political alliance are you all?[91][92]
  • Pencil: Why?
  • Pin: Just do it!
  • Match: Ok. Well, I'm, like, supporting the NDP!
  • Ruby: I'm a Republican!
  • Bubble: I seem to be one of the LDP![93]
  • Pencil: An' I'm NPK.
  • Bubble: But whoy are you asking aboit our political parties? It's extroimely woird!
  • Pin: Akh! None of you guys are a member of my party!
  • Pencil: Which is …
  • Pin: Can't tell you.
  • Match: We can't criticize you if you c—
  • Pin: No, no, it's the name of the party! The Can't Tell You party. The CTY!
  • Ruby: Weird.
  • Pin: It's not weird! I'm trilingual in English and Vietnamese. That's weird![94]
  • Pencil: Well, I's omnilingual!

[Enter Book.]

  • Book: I have the drinks!
  • Everyone: Hooray!

[Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: Hey, what's the name of that disease where you h— Ooh … girls are here … this is awkward!
  • Match: Bye! [pushes him out of the room] Ignore him.
  • Pin: Who is he?
  • Match: Just, like, my brother.
  • Pin: How old is he?
  • Match: Eighteen.
  • Pin: Ooh, when he's 34 I'm to be 24[95] I'll be the fresh age—
  • Pencil: 'Ey!
  • Pin: You're dating him?[96]
  • Pencil: Aye! Fer the last year or so. An' ain't it a li'le awkward to think about love at such a young age'ee?
  • Pin: No.
  • Ruby: Well, let's just put the past behind us and talk about something different.
  • Match: But, like, where's Eraser gone?
  • Pencil: 'E's preparin' fer the party!
  • Match: Omg, the party!
  • Pin: It's 6:15. We'd better make a head!
  • Everyone else: Eww!
  • Pin: Not that kind of head!
  • Match: Ok, let's just go. Bye mum!
  • Katarzyna: [crying] Bye, girls I know and girls I don't know!

[Omnes exeunt.]

3. On the streets of Nairobi

Scene: The alliance as well as Book's friends are walking on the streets.

  • Pin: OMPF, that's fish sauce?[97]
  • Match: FISH SAUCE!? No, that's my mother!
  • Pin: Really? Because she's more like an interior decoration than a mother. Just sayin'!
  • Match: Like, you have no right to call my mum an exterior decoration just because she'sn't said, like, anything during—
  • Pin: I said interior decoration!
  • Match: Whatevs.[98]

[Enter Ruby's sisters.]

  • Match: Omg, you're all here!
  • Topaz: Not really. Sapphire's at another show, and several of us sistren[99] got lost.
  • Ruby: How was gem school?[100]
  • Malachite: It was so ordinary. First, we went on a field trip to Hawaii.
  • Ruby: Why?
  • Coral: For fun!
  • Emerald: But then we lost Jasper and Obsidian.


    • Emerald: Aloha!
    • Jasper: That means hello and good bye. Which one are they saying, O adopted Hawaiian sister?
    • Obsidian: Ua haʻi ʻē au ʻiā ʻoe. Namu au ʻōlelo nā pōhaku makamae nani.[101] [Exeunt.]
  • Iolite: And when we travelled to Tanzania to discover gems there, we lost Fluorite and Garnet!
    • Amber: No! Don't go!
    • Fluorite: We feel like going!
    • Garnet: These animals are my friends!
    • Amber: Bye, Garnet!
  • Ruby: [annoyed] Darn it!
  • Pencil: Earth to 'ee lot, we're lost!
  • Everyone: What?
  • Pencil: I left me GPS at me home.

[She runs to her home nearby. Off-screen dialogue.]

  • Pencil: Mum, can I 'ave me GPS?
  • Estigua: Penélope, Se precisas de seus GPS agora, definitivamente vais prà festa. Tome Nathália e Nelsão contigo![102]
  • Nelson: But mum, I'm in the middle of a game!
  • Estigua: Vai agora![103] [She literally pushes Pencil, Needle and Nelson out of their house.]
  • Axinite: This is terrible; I don't know anyone!

[Exit Axinite.]

  • Nelson: [to Baseball Cap] Hey.
  • Baseball Cap: What's up!
  • Book: Oh, now you talk![104] At camp, he was such a blabbler!
  • Match: Well, you know, like, how boys are with girls.
  • Book: Yeah … [to Estigua] Thank you, Mrs. Triángolo for giving us your kids!
  • Estigua: De nada! [Aside] E agora para relaxar.[105]
  • Pencil: I now 'ave me GPS! So Book, where was th' address?
  • Book: It's here! [opens pages to the notes]
  • Pencil: Alright, 'tis at 823 North Kabisas-something.
  • Book: Sorry, but when I heard Pen explain, it stopped at the S.
  • Match: Omg!
  • Ruby: But why didn't you ask Pen while you were kissing him?
  • Aquamarine: Ooooooh, you were kissing him?
  • Pencil: Aye, [blushes] we've been datin' fer about twelve months.
  • Dioptase: Cool, that equals a year!
  • Variscite: Eww, romance, I think I'm gonna— [about to throw up]
  • Gold: Just go.

[Exit Variscite.]

  • Ruby: Yeah, you missed a lot when you stayed at geeemmm schooooollll.
  • Benitoite: Whatever, man, let's just go to the party.
  • Pencil: 'An't'ee forgettin'? We've lost at Kabisas.
  • Amethyst: Actually, I have a list of streets in Nairobi beginning in Kabisas.
  • Pencil: [takes the list] 'mm. Kabisasijua[106]Kabisasimamayako[107]Kabisasikwelikwambawewewaliopoteamchezo[108]Kabisasikupeleleza! Let's go to the first one an' ask one 'bout the party.

[They[109] go to 823 North Kabisasijua Street. Only the house is shown.]

  • Match: Exceeeyooooose me, but have you seen a party here?
  • 1st Neighbour: Ja, I was hearing av a party. In the Kabithathikilomotschagisa Street! [slams the door]
  • Pencil: Okay, danke![110]
  • Bubble: Moitch, maybe you shoildn't have talked like that.
  • Match: What, all sarcastic?
  • Chrysoberyl: Yeah, I think you made him go all Schwarzenegger on us.
  • Ruby: Well, you know what they say! "Ask another neighbour to confirm about rumours from a third party!"
  • Bubble: No one soys that!
  • Ruby: I do, so it should count …

[They go to 823 North Kabisasimamayako Street.]

  • Match: Exc—
  • Book: Let me do the talking. [to the 2nd neighbour] Is there a party at your place or other places that you might have heard of?
  • 2nd Neighbour: Yes, actually! At K'obby-saucy-keel-emo-chah-geezer. But watch out kids, in the Swah-heelys[111] language that means "Totally not a dark alley."
  • Pencil: I know thet, thanks, kwaheri![112]
  • Match: I guess we have to go there, then.
  • Opal: Well that's close!
  • Pencil: Innit?[113]

4. 823 North Kabisasikilimochagiza Street

Scene: A large home with a religious precession. They go there and open the door.

  • Match: [loudly] Omg, everyone, we're here for the par— [discovers that it's a religious ceremony] —ty …
  • Mitre: My good girl, don't say "OMG" like that, it's disrespectful. And can't you see that we're busy?
  • Pencil: With wot?
  • Mitre: This is a funeral. [sings] Kurtunonndikis, homomortwooooose? Kurtunonndikis, homomortwooooose?[114]
  • Match: Like, what's a funeral?

[Book goes up and whispers to Match.]

  • Match: Oh. Like, whose is it?
  • Rocky: [gets up from his funeral bed] Hi!
  • Mitre: Ooh, the dead man is talking! Girl, what have you done? I think you may be a— [she slams the door on them]
  • Match: Weird.
  • Book: Wait, open it! If that's not the party, then … [opens the door]
  • Mitre: What do you want?
  • Book: Excuse me, but if that's not the party, then where is it?
  • Mitre: In Nairobi Heights.[115]
  • Pencil: Ugh, Nairobi Heights.
  • Ruby: What's wrong with it?
  • Pencil: That's the neighbour'ood where all the spoil'd rich kids live.

[They close the door.]

5. Outside Mitre's House

Scene: Everyone is lost and confused, yet nobody actually cares about being lost or confused.

  • Match: Do we, like, have to walk all the way to there?
  • Pencil: 'Ey, physical labour ain't thet hard, innit?

[Everyone complains]

  • Pencil: Fine, fine, let's jus' 'ail a ride.
  • Pink Ball: Did someone ask for a ride?
  • Pencil: Aye, we did. It's this address but at Nairobi Heights.
  • Pink Ball: Wow, that is so interesting! I have a friend who lives there!
  • Glass: That's good to know.

6. On the road to Nairobi Heights

Scene: Pink Ball is driving everyone to the house. In the passenger's seat is Book.

  • Book: Oh, Pink Ball, your family is so helpful!
  • Pink Ball: How so?
  • Book: Your husband hosted a Hanukkah party on Tuesday!
  • Needle: [aside to Pencil] There was a party and I missed it?
  • Pink Ball: Omg, yes! Although, I was sleeping somewhere else that day.
  • Book: Where?
  • Pink Ball: Mili's.
  • Bubble: The music stoyre?
  • Pink Ball: Yes.
  • Book: Why were you there?
  • Pink Ball: Well, you see, I was buying milk and I—
  • Match: Wait wait wait, you were buying milk!? At the music store? Who does that!?
  • Pencil: Match, be nice! You should be grateful thet our driver be bringin' us to party!

7. 823 North Kabisasikilimochagiza Street

Scene: They arrive here. As the name suggests, it is totally not a dark alley.

  • Pink Ball: Alright, bye!
  • Book: Thank you for driving us here!

[They knock on the door.]

  • Unknown voice: I'm a-comin', I'm a-comin'!
  • Ruby: That voice sounds familiar.

[The door opens. Enter It's Caldera.]

  • Caldera: Hi, people I do know and those I don't!
  • People she does know: Hello, Mrs. Caldera!
  • Feldspar: [aside to Ruby] You know this crazy woman?
  • Ruby: Shh!
  • Caldera: I thought I heard someone call m' crazy! Was it you? Or you? Or you? A-ha, my golly, it was you! [points to Opal] You deservin' a kick away!
  • Opal: No no no, it wasn't me— [gets kicked away] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Exit Opal.]

  • Caldera: I don't know a none of y'all!
  • Hematite: That's because, ma'am, we go to gem school!
  • Pencil: GEM SCHOOL DROOLS, OBJECTS RULE!!![116][117] [The alliance cheers]
  • Book: Never mind the team rivalry, Mrs. Caldera, but is this the party? Your apartment seems kind of small.
  • Caldera: Of course, my house ain't hosting the party! It's that house over yonder!

[She points to the house of the real party.]

  • Book: And where is that?
  • Caldera: Let's see … you go left, right, left, right, left again missin' like the third right on that exit … [her voice disintegrates into nonsense] Left right, left left left right or yonder left below this exit turn left right—
  • Match: Okay, we got it!
  • Caldera: Y'all got this. Call me if you need help!
  • Book: Alright, thank you for the directions!

[They start walking into South Kabisasikilimochagiza, where the sky gradually grows darker. Exit Aquamarine, Iolite and Chrysoberyl.]

  • Match: [aside] Omg, were you, like, listening to her?
  • Book: No.
  • Needle: We could be lost.
  • Baseball Cap: Or we could just follow the sun!
  • Everyone: Praise the Sun![118]
  • Pencil: 'Ello, has anyone forgot me GPS? It's basically South Kabisasikilimochagiza.
  • Match: Wait, so Pen, like, lied to us?
  • Bubble: Noyo, he lied to his fish sauce moyther.
  • Pencil: 'E cheats, 'e lies, 'e sings so romantically, I mean when 'e, as me husband, sings "Take a pair" or whate'er it's call'd nowaday, "Prepare fer" a chemical, something something[119]— [Match, Bubble, Ruby, Needle and Book snap their fingers at the same time] But really, 'bout Pen, wot's not to love?
  • Match: Cheating's not, like, good—
  • Pencil: When it's on other women! [They all laugh.]
  • Peridot: Aren't you guys worried that it's getting dark?
  • Ivory: I'm afraid of the dark!

[Exit Ivory.]

  • Pencil: Guys, we have to stick together!
  • Jade: She's right. Come on, LL!
  • Lapis Lazuli: Bye!

[Exit Jade and Lapis Lazuli. Emerald shrugs, and leaves as well.]

  • Pencil: Oh, hey, I can see the door is open!

[They rush in the house.]

8. The Gang's party

Scene: An abandoned house. It's uncreepied by the fact that chaos is unfolding here.[120]

  • Quartz: I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Exit Quartz. The alliance finds a gutter and they hide in it.]

  • Match: This is terrifying.
  • Needle: I see seven people, and they're skinning a— EW!!
  • Everyone: Shhh!
  • Needle: But where is Pen?
  • Match: Whatevs.
  • Pencil: Well, we have ter, like, wait for yer mum to get ter 'ere.

[Many minutes later]

  • Match: Any minute now!
  • Pencil: [spying on someone outside going in] Oh, here's a pretty one!
  • Match: [looking out with her] That's not a one, that's a zero!

[Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: [not noticing the girls] Hey, everyone! I'm h—
  • Pencil: [whispering loudly] PEN! 'ERE! DOWN! NOW!
  • Pen: What are you guys doing here?
  • Pencil: Jus' go down! [he does so. Now there are several people hiding in that gutter.]

[Enter Blocky from the "dining" room.]

  • Eraser: I thought I heard a voice come! Is it Pen?
  • Blocky: This one's a man! Not a boy!
  • Eraser: Ugh, Flower, are you angry?[121]
  • Flower: No, Blocky!

[Exit Blocky.]

  • Kornerupine: How long are we going to stay here?
  • Pencil: Not fer long. Like, until mum gets.
  • Pyrite: Can you move over a little, Bubble?
  • Bubble: Sure thing, Ruby's si— [pops]
  • Nelson: It's too tight here!
  • Pencil: Nels, there ain't much to cram ourselves!
  • Pearl: Bah!
  • Match: We should, like, go to sleep right now, like, at this moment!
  • Diamond: Shh, I hear a noise!

[Enter Eraser. He grabs a drink, but then hears breathing sounds from the gutter. He opens it, and they try not to scream.]

  • Eraser: Oh, it's you guys. You shouldn't be here! This is no place for a group of teenage girls like you.
  • Pen: Ekh-em?[122]
  • Eraser: Pen, you're down here too?
  • Pen: Don't. Tell. Any. One.
  • Book: Shouldn't it be "Don't. Tell. Anyone."? It's one word, you kn—

[Enter Blocky and Trophy.]

  • Blocky: Eraser, stop talking to that vault!
  • Eraser: Isn't it a gut—
  • Trophy: Get your drink and come with us! You know what? [grabs Eraser and pulls him into the other room]
  • Gang of 8: Hahahahaahahahahahahahahah!
  • Ammolite: This is a gang party, Pen?
  • Pen: Well, it certainly is not like one of the 16 other parties I've gone to.

[Flashback. Pen is walking with other groups of people to their parties instead of his own "alliance" parties.]

  • Ruby: Then how'd you get with us?
  • Pen: I followed you!
  • Turquoise: Ah, that's so convenient!
  • Match: I thought we were, like, going to sleep in this rubbish.
  • Ruby: Ah yes, sleep.
  • Pen: You all are crazy! It's only 8:2—
  • Pencil: Hhhhey, Pen … can I sleep next to you? It's freezin' an' you're jus' so … hot. [the girls giggle]
  • Pen: Let's sleep!

9. Outside Caldera's house

Scene: A car approaches Caldera's house at night.

  • Caldera: [soliloquising] Well, it seems they don't need me! I'm gonna sleep now. [sees the car]

[Exit Katarzyna from car.]

  • Katarzyna: [solemnly] Dobry wieczór, Kaldera.[123]
  • Caldera: Dobry wieczór! Y' lookin' for ya kids?
  • Katarzyna: Actually, I was advised by my insignificant son to come here and advise the party.
  • Caldera: Oh, the party over there? You can advise that one, I ain't gotta party in this area …
  • Katarzyna: No thanks, that house looks creepy. But anyway, is it okay with you if I stay at your house tonight.
  • Caldera: What's the matter? Monster under ya bed? Doubting your existence? Suddenly speaking Poliiiiiiiish[124] … well I got ointments for all of that!
  • Katarzyna: Actually, this morning the people at the party over yonder [pointing to the house] basically deleted like 90% of my memories, so much that I forgot my children's names.
  • Caldera: Why? I mean, never mind that, just stay at the guest room!

10. Caldera's guest room

Scene: Katarzyna is laying on the guest room bed, watching a soap opera called "Amor Terrible".[125]

  • Sapphire[126]: Oy vey! Please don't go, sir!
  • Vihuela: Oh, Salsadepescado[127] how it pains mi heart to go through this, but I must go back to Spain!
  • Sapphire: But we're already in Spain! [backdrop to a Spanish beach]
  • Vihuela: No no no, I meant the Spain of my heart.
  • Sapphire: What the heck? That makes absolutely no sense; hearts can't have spains!
  • Vihuela: And objects don't have hearts. Your point?
  • Sapphire: Get with the system!
  • Vihuela: Oh, sorry, my little Salsadepescado. But I have … [pulls out a Klingon-Afrikaans dictionary] a confession to make!
  • Sapphire: Have you been going out with other women?
  • Vihuela: No! I was going to say that I'm moving back to Spain, South Dakota!
  • Sapphire: Oh my gaaaaaash, I live in East Dakota!
  • Vihuela: [shocked] Will you marry me? Again?
  • Sapphire: No way, José!
  • Vihuela: I need to practise my English. Can we learn the alphabet?
  • Sapphire: Yeah! Okay, I may start. "A" is for … [rips out her shell, and reveals herself as an ugly alien] Alien!
  • Vihuela: Kiss me!

[Real life]

  • Katarzyna: This is the worst love story ever!
  • Caldera: How are you doin'?
  • Katarzyna: Still recovering from the distress by watching this terrible show.
  • Caldera: Want me to read you some stories?
  • Katarzyna: That'd be nice.
  • Caldera: Old or new?
  • Katarzyna: New, please.
  • Caldera: New it is! [takes out a Bible, and reads the New Testament. Katarzyna cringes a little.[128]] It is Christmas soon, anyway. Okay. "The record of the genealogy of Jesus, the Messiah, son of David
  • David: [from a distance] Aww, seriously?
  • Caldera: That's strange! Whenever I say the name David—
  • David: Aww, seriously?
  • Caldera: I hear that! When I read the Bible to myself, I never hear that weird voice, "Aww seriously?"
  • Katarzyna: Umm … you should read more, please. I'm really … tired.
  • Caldera: Okay! I'll read until you sleep. "… the son of Abraham. Abraham was the father of Isaac, Isaac the father of Jacob, and Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers …"

[Katarzyna is sleeping]

  • Caldera: Good night, sweet Kat.

[She closes the door quietly. The camera moves smoothly[129] like it does in The Sims from the quiet atmosphere of Caldera's house to the chaos of the next house. It's only 9:00!]

Saturday, December 8

1. The partying house

Scene: Morning. One by one, the people at the party wake up in complete darkness, although they can see everyone else.

  • Nelson: Good m-morning, everyoooooooone! [sees darkness all around him] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Wake up all.]

  • Pencil: Nels, wot's up, why are you screamin'?
  • Nelson: I can only see some things, but can only other things!
  • Pencil: Wot you says made no sense at all, but [looking around] Aaaaaaaaaaah!
  • Nelson: [whispering] Shh! Do you see the darkness?
  • Pencil: [whispering] Why are we whispering?
  • Nelson: [whispering] Everyone is sleeping.
  • Pearl: Can confirm. Am sleeping.
  • Pencil: Guys, get up. Is anyone realisin' the backgroun'?
  • Pen: Alright, I'm up. So what was it you were saying?
  • Pencil: Ain't'ee disturbed by the lack of light 'ere?
  • Pen: What lack of light h— oohhhhhhhhh.
  • Pencil: [sighs] Wot is it with yer family an' delay'd reactions?
  • Match: [waking up] Omg, I'm, like, awake. Hey, why are you looking so worried, everyone?
  • Pen: In 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 …
  • Match: Why're you counting down? Like, it's— Omg someone, like, stole the sky!
  • Pencil: No, Match, it turn'd inter a new element an' disappear'd.
  • Match: Oh! Well, that makes sense! [Pencil facepalms]
  • Pin: Guys! We have to be active and find out where this has been coming from!
  • Pen: Good idea.
  • Pin: Oh, you and your vilirity![130] [Pencil slaps her]
  • Match: No, thanks, I'm feeling a bit tired.
  • Poo: I LIKE IT!
  • Pin: Hello? Xin chào?[131] [pokes through the wall]
  • Unknown voice: Ahh!
  • Pin: OMPF, the wall is talking!
  • Unknown voice: My arm, my arm, my beautiful arm!
  • Pencil: Whoever this is 'pparently has a beautiful arm!
  • Pen: Wait, I know that voice! It's Trophy!
  • Match: The jerk?
  • Pen: The jock. I mean, like, he and the rest of them are jerks to some extent, but st—
  • Gang of 8: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?
  • Pen: Er …
  • Pencil: Did'ee forget where you were?
  • Pen: [happily] Oh, yeah! We were at— [realising] the … party …
  • Pencil: Oh, delay'd reaction.
  • Pen: [defending himself] Hey, it's Schreiber[132] blood!
  • Pencil: You means ink.
  • Pen: Same thing …
  • Gang of 8: ROAR!!!!!!!
  • Turquoise: I think you provoked them. It's like annoying a wild beast, Pen, you don't do—
  • Gang of 8: ROAR!!!!!!!
  • Match: Is it weird how they roar at different, like, intervals?[133] I bet when I get out of here, I'll, like, find a record player with them, like, roaring in it.
  • Feldspar: I'd buy that nonsense.
  • Ruby: If they even know how to work a record player.
  • Pencil: Aye, you big [censored]!
  • Gang of 8: ROAR!!!!!!!
  • Pencil: That's it, it's the las' straw!
  • Kornerupine: What do you mean?
  • Dioptase: Amy has some straws over here!
  • Amethyst: It's true! Big or small? [shows straws to Pencil]
  • Pencil: No, I mean, I 'ave to call me mum! Which reminds me … "Amy", where's yer telephone?
  • Amethyst: Of course! [gives her a cordful telephone[134]]
  • Pencil: Good! Now I need to know mum's mobile number.
  • Match: You don't know your mum's cell phone number?
  • Gang of 8: LAME!!!!!!!
  • Pencil: Calm down, Match, it's 2007 not 2097! [looks up] An' shut up, people above!
  • Nelson: Oh! I know it. It's 555-555-874-264656.[135]
  • Gang of 8: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!![136]
  • Pencil: Aye! We know it means 555-555 in Thai! [to Nelson] But thanks? An' 'ow do you know this?
  • Nelson: I'm young; I memorise things quickly.
  • Pencil: Like, 90s mind! [calls her] Hey, mum!
  • Needle: Let the world hear her!
  • Pencil: You mean speaker? … Fine.
  • Estigua: Olá, minha filha. Como é a festa?[137]
  • Dioptase: What language is that, Coral? It sounds like it's Chinese.[138]
  • Coral: It's Portuguese, specifically the Brazilian kind.
  • Pencil: Aye, mum, that's ectually wot we're callin' about.
  • Estigua: Será que alguém morrer? Eu vou trazer as pomadas![139]
  • Pencil: Oh, no, nobody died. I think. But to the party. Can you make it 'ere?
  • Estigua: Eu não sei. Onde está a festa outra vez?[140]
  • Pencil: It's at 823 South Kabisasikilimochagiza.
  • Estigua: Quê?[141]
  • Pencil: Don't worry, Mum! Always ask Dad fer the pronunciation … if 'e comes back from the war.
  • Dioptase: There was a war?
  • Gang of 8: BOO HOO TO YOU!!!!!!!
  • Estigua: Oh. Mas eu estava perguntando sobre onde ele está. Existem apenas 865 ruas Kabisasikilimochagiza no todos Kenia![142]
  • Unknown voice: I can't stand this nonsense. Let's go!

[Exit Gang of 8.]

  • Pencil: In thet case, it's in Nairobi Heights.
  • Estigua: É a casa abandonada?[143]
  • Pencil: Aye, why? [hears nothing] 'Ello? Mum? [to everyone] She hung up!
  • Match: Oh great, now we're stuck here!
  • Pencil: Wot about your mum?
  • Pen: I tried calling her while you were on the phone, but she wouldn't answer. She's still traumatized by a Biblico-Torahic[144] character named David.
  • David: Aww, seriously?
  • Coral: Wait! Can't we call the police?
  • Poo: THE PO-PO!
  • Amber: Yeah, them. But why?
  • Coral: Well, according to the 93rd repeal in Act II, Section 100.35 in the Neighbourhood Code of Nairobi Heights, "objects stored in groups of …
  • Coral & Book: [as Book joins in] 38 or more may be freed if the police are summoned."
  • Match: How do you people know, like, this?
  • Dioptase: Yeah, we have no thoughts.
  • Coral: I'm a master of law! I could tell you the minimum dimension of ice cubes in Turkmenistan!
  • Ice Cube: What?
  • Coral: 12 by 5 by 8.
  • Book: Then it's not a cube!
  • Coral: Tell that to the Turkmens! [they laugh casually]
  • Book: Ooh, what am I going to do, complain about the month of January?[145]
  • Coral: I hear they changed it!
  • Book: To what? "Wednesday?" [they laugh more]
  • Pencil: Guys, we have to focus! I'll call the police. 1—
  • Pen: Don't say it out loud![146]
  • Pencil: 'Ello, h'operator?
  • Swiss Franc: Bonjour.[147]
  • Pencil: Can I talk ter a live officer?
  • Swiss Franc: Sehr guet[148], I can talk to one for you.
  • Pencil: Please send all o' the men 'ere to, I'm bein' 'eld 'ostage!
  • Swiss Franc: Can you tell me where you are located?
  • Pencil: Aye, sir. I's at 823 South Kabisasikilimochagiza, Nairobi Heights.
  • Swiss Franc: So, at "Assolutamente non un Vicolo Buio"?[149]
  • Pencil: Aye, thanks! Merci! Danke! Grazie! Grazia fich![150]
  • Swiss Franc: No need to thank me, sir ma'am. I'm sending over all officers at your request right now. Be there in a jiffy!

[One jiffy[151] later. Enter all police officers, led by United States Dollar]

  • United States Dollar: Freeze!

[Enter Gang of 8, all looking at stolen things.]

  • Blocky: Well, I think that kidnapping Pen was the best! He hangs with girls way too much.
  • Eraser: Same.
  • Trophy: Well I think getting the weak losers in a chamber, painting it black and putting our hands on it to hide the evi—
  • Flower: Trophy, shut up! The police are here.
  • Trophy: [censored], the police are here! Everyone hide your things!
  • Japanese Yen: We have came to arrest a gang.
  • Match: [quietly] Who is he?
  • Pencil: I think 'e's the Japanese yen.
  • United States Dollar: Oh wait, it's you again. Your gang has been entering and exiting our jails 50 times.
  • Blocky: Do I get a prize?
  • Flower: Forget about the prize, Blocky, go at them!

[A fight. Blocky's gang attacks the weakest currencies: the Zimbabwean dollar, Vietnamese dong, Sao Tome and Principe dobra, Lao kip and three more.[152]]

  • Pin: No, not my precious dong!
  • Match: Omg, is that Canada?
  • Canadian Dollar: [fighting the gang] Sorry![153]
  • Pen: Yeah, they're still fighting strong!
  • Pencil: So is Kenya!

[Everyone is cheering their country's currency inside the vault. Then enter Rai from sky, crushing the glass that everyone is in and they are set free!]

  • Match: We're, like, free!
  • United States Dollar: Actually, everyone but you is free.
  • Match: What?
  • Guinean Franc: We lost seven of ours men in the fight. We want of you to recovering them.
  • Match: But that means I have to go to school! Like, to Golf Ball!
  • Armenian Dram: Uwe are depending on her uwisdom!
  • Match: Okay, like, fine.
  • Pencil: Don't ferget to recover Bub— [she slams the door] —ble.

[Exit Match. At the same time, enter Katarzyna & Caldera.]

  • Caldera: Hey y'all!
  • Katarzyna: Is everyone okay? I saw the police come into this very house!
  • United States Dollar: Yes, ma'am, all is well.
  • Katarzyna: Two questions. Actually, three questions. One, where is my daughter? Two, why is my younger son with the girls? And three, why are you binding Eraser in handcuffs? All this is making me somewhat zaniepokojony.[154]
  • Polish Złoty: You are Polish as well?

[Translated from Polish.]

  • Katarzyna: Yes wh—
  • Polish Złoty: The answer to your first question is that we have lost many people and are sending your daughter to school to get the recovery centre mistress, your son is with the girls because he is hiding with them, and your Son is with the police as he was in the par—

[End of translated Polish.]

  • Caldera: No need to burst ya bubble, mun[155], but you said the gang of 8 was a-perpetratin'. There are only 7 arrestees.
  • United States Dollar: There usually are seven being arrested in this "Gang of 8".
  • Blocky: Pen was part of this whole thing!
  • Pen: What? No I wasn't!
  • Katarzyna: I believe you were …
  • United States Dollar: Also, I need five people to say that he is innocent.
  • Pencil: 'E's innocent, I tell'ee!
  • Pin: He's too innocent for me!
  • Nelson: Oh, shemeji[156] is innocent! Wait, what does innocent mean?
  • Book: It means "not guilty". And that's what he is!
  • Ruby: He's innocent!
  • United States Dollar: There. Pen is innocent.
  • Pen: See?
  • Blocky: Grr!
  • Katarzyna: Oh sirs, please give my son back! [points to Eraser]
  • Polish Złoty: Będziemy![157] [frees him]
  • United States Dollar: What! That's not how the American legal system works.
  • Kenyan Shilling: Maybe not in America! But in Kenya!
  • United States Dollar: Fine.
  • Euro: You six. Come with me.

2. Golf Ball's office

Scene: Match enters Golf Ball's office nervously.

  • Golf Ball: If you are here for S— [sees Match] HAH!
  • Match: Golf Ball, can I, like, recover a few people?
  • Golf Ball: No!
  • Match: They're officers from that … that …
  • Golf Ball: Not until you serve another Saturday detention!
  • Match: Ooooooooooooooooooh, that was, like, today. I forgot! But can I recover people?
  • Golf Ball: Yes, you have arms. Unlike me.
  • Match: It'll be really quick.
  • Golf Ball: No, you have to serve a weekend detention.
  • Match: What, no!
  • Golf Ball: It's in the rules. [shows the school rules]
  • Match: [Aside.] Coralllll! [to Golf Ball] Where is it?
  • Golf Ball: Where Mrs. Tannenbaum's class is.
  • Match: Soooooooooo … the "I" building?
  • Golf Ball: No, the 3rd "B" building.
  • Match: I thought that is where Mrs. Ta—
  • Golf Ball: GO!!

[Exit Match.]

3. Around school

Scene: Match talks to herself as she wanders around the desolate school.

  • Match: [seeing the names of the buildings] B … F … D … I … That's funny! [not realising] B-2 … F-2 … D-2 … I-2 … B-3.

4. Mrs. Tannenbaum's room

Scene: An empty dark room, except for a parrot. Match sits down.

  • Match: Omg, this is the place for weekend detention?
  • Match: Ah, the noise!

[Match is then seen doing activities.]

  • Match: Should I call Pencil? No. Maybe not! I don't know!

[Hours later]

  • Match: Omg, it's so boring here! I'm the only one here!

[Enter Mrs. Tannenbaum in normal attire.]

  • Mrs. Tannenbaum: Hallo[158], student.
  • Match: Hey.
  • Mrs. Tannenbaum: It's so lonely here!
  • Match: I am.
  • Mrs. Tannenbaum: You are the only one at the school!
  • Match: I am?
  • Mrs. Tannenbaum: Yes you are! I just saw our Schulleiterin[159] drive away!
  • Match: So she's going to, like, leave me here! Well, at least I still have this parrot!
  • Mrs. Tannenbaum: Actually, that is what I came here for. To pick up Sparky.

[Exeunt Mrs. Tannenbaum & Sparky.]

  • Match: Oh great, I am alone! And in the dark too! Also, who, like, names a parrot Sparky?

5. The remnants of the party

  • Scene: Hours earlier than the end of last scene.
  • Pound Sterling: [holding Blocky] Explain it!
  • Blocky: No!
  • United States Dollar: [holding Flower] If you don't we'll declare war on you.
  • Blocky: So?
  • United States Dollar: We'll treat it as if we're declaring war on another country!
  • Canadian Dollar: USD!
  • United States Dollar: Sorry, my wonderful wife.[161] We won't interrupt you.
  • Blocky: Fine! So, at midnight, we were playing this game where we throw our limbs at each other—
  • United States Dollar: Throwing limbs at each other is ille—
  • Canadian Dollar: USD! Don't interrupt!
  • United States Dollar: [sighs] Proceed.
  • Blocky: And Trophy's beautiful arm landed in the vault gutter. So when I tried to get it, it badly threw itself back at me. IT THREW LIKE A GIRL!
  • Pen: Sorry …
  • Blocky: I found several people hiding in there, including this! [points to Pen] Anyways. We put them all in our "room", painted it black to make stars, and placed our hands on it to hide the evidence.
  • United States Dollar: What you did is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. But you were honest about it. [Blocky winks maliciously to his gang] You will be in our most secure cell.

[They get arrested. Omnes exeunt. Manent[162] Katarzyna, Caldera and those who came with Pencil except for Match.]

  • Katarzyna: Pen, Eraser, with me. Nnnnnnoooooowwwwww.
  • Caldera: I think it's best I go with you.
  • Katarzyna: Sorry, Caldera, you've done so much for me in the last 16 hours, but … I think you should leave.
  • Caldera: Bye!

[Exit Caldera. Katarzyna drags her sons into a room.]

  • Katarzyna: Pen, are you really sure that you had nothing to do with this?
  • Pen: Yes.
  • Katarzyna: Eraser, did you have anything to do with this?
  • Eraser: Yes, mum. I did all of this with my gang.
  • Katarzyna: [sighs] Even though I lost all of my memory, I still recall that I favoured you the most.
  • Eraser & Pen: You do!/You don't!
  • Katarzyna: Whatever. You're off my hook. You can go now!

[Exit Eraser out of the door. Manet Pen, who walks into the main room.]

  • Pen: [to Pencil] You coming?
  • Pencil: … Where?
  • Pen: I'm driving you home!
  • Ruby: Oh yeah, you're old enough.
  • Pencil: Aww, thet's so sweet! [kisses him]
  • Katarzyna: Eww, romance!

[Exit Katarzyna.]

  • Pen: That's one this time.
  • Pencil: Aye …
  • Ruby: Can we come with you?
  • Book: You are our best friend!
  • Pin: Our best friends indeed!
  • Pencil: Umm … [looks at Pen] no.
  • Pen: Yeah, we want this as private as we can.
  • Pencil: So true!
  • Ice Cube: I want revenge!
  • Pencil: Sorry, Icy.
  • Pin: I never really liked you.

[Exeunt Pencil & Pen together.]

  • Pin: I can't believe they just left us!
  • Glass: I can't believe it's not butter!
  • Ruby: Well, Diamond can fly us all back to Gemistan!
  • Diamond: Yeah! But it's gems-only.

[All gems hold on to Diamond, and they fly off.]


[Exeunt all gems.]

  • Book: So it's just us.
  • Needle: Yeah.
  • Book: Oh my word! I just realised camp is at Caldera's house!
  • Pin: How convenient!

[Exeunt Book, Pin, Ice Cube and Baseball Cap.]

  • Needle: Oh no, we're alone!
  • Nelson: [to the tune of Disney's "It's a Small World"] Abandoned house after all!
  • Needle: Can you stop that, you're really giving me the creeps!

6. On the freeway[163]

  • Scene: Pen is driving Pencil home on the freeway in a roofless car that jocks drive in those American high school movies.[164]
  • Pencil: This is a new car?
  • Pen: It's my third.
  • Pencil: Wot 'appen'd to th' other two?
  • Pen: I crashed them.
  • Pencil: Aww, you're such a daredevil!
  • Pen: Thanks.
  • Pencil: You miss'd an exit to.
  • Pen: What?!
  • Pencil: You know, I think I should drive'ee. Pull over.
  • Pen: No! It's my car!
  • Pencil: Why not? We're in a relationship, I should take a' leas' one responsi—
  • Pen: [seeing behind him] Now is not really a good time to argue.
  • Pencil: [looking behind also] Omg, it's me mum! Can I 'ide?
  • Pen: Yeah, in the back!

[Pencil slides out of the front into the back.]

  • Estigua: Olá, Frederico![165]
  • Pen: Hello, Mrs. Triangolo!
  • Pencil: [still hiding] Is she still there?
  • Pen: Yeah. Like a few tens of metres.
  • Estigua: O que te traz aqui?[166]
  • Pen: [to Pencil] What'd she ask?
  • Pencil: Why you're 'ere!
  • Pen: [to Estigua] Nothing!
  • Estigua: Tenho sido convocado por meus filhos para vir para a festa![167]
  • Pen: That's good!
  • Pencil: No, it's not! She h'sexpects to see m' at the party!
  • Pen: Then it's not good.
  • Estigua: Espere! Não és do mesmo partido de Penélope?[168]
  • Pen: What?
  • Pencil: She's askin' if I were at the same party as'ee. Quick! Say no!
  • Pen: Yes!
  • Pencil: Pen, you [censored]! Now she's gonna find Nelson an' Needle, an' not me!
  • Pen: Sorry, I just—
  • Estigua: Óptima! Isso é onde vou recuperar tua namorada m—[169]
  • Man: Shut up!
  • Estigua: Não!
  • Pen: She's coming towards us.
  • Pencil: Ah! [conceals. Estigua rushes by them.]
  • Estigua: Estranho. Pensei que vi a minha filha no porta-malas do carro![170]

7. The abandoned house

Scene: Needle and Nelson are waiting for Estigua.

  • Needle: I'm so bored!
  • Nelson: Don't worry! Mum's going to get us in 4, 3, 2, 1—

[Suddenly, a car horn sounds.]

  • Needle: How do you do that?
  • Estigua: [in the car] Filhos! No carro![171]

8. On the freeway

  • Estigua: [counting[172]] Um, dois. Onde está Penélope?[173]
  • Needle: Ah, she's with Pen.
  • Estigua: Isso explica por que a vi. E eles estão indo para casa?[174]
  • Nelson: Well, he said that she was
  • Needle: Not going home!
  • Nelson: [quietly] Why'd you say that?
  • Needle: To make Pen seem so not innocent!
  • Nelson: I like your non-thinking.
  • Estigua: Que mentiroso! Conte-me mais.[175]
  • Needle: Well, so …

9. Pencil's house

Scene: Later. Pencil is anxiously waiting at her home to wonder about her mother's reaction. [Enter Estigua and her children.]

  • Estigua: Estamos casa! Na verdade, não sei por que estou dizendo isso; ninguém está em casa, exc— HAH! Penélope.[176]
  • Pencil: Hey, mum!
  • Estigua: Pensei Frederico te levou a este lugar, e, e, e tudo isto outras [to Needle] histórias![177]
  • Pencil: Nope! Who told'ee?

[Estigua looks at Needle.]

  • Needle: Sorry, mother.
  • Pencil: Well, I know'ee really wouldn't think thet way; it's only Needy's—
  • Needle: [slaps] Don't call me Needy!
  • Pencil: —dramatic characterisations. I mean, you really thinks Pen took me far away ne'er to be seen! 'E never would do such a thing! 'E jus' drove me home. Sweet boy 'e is. I mean, man. Sweet man. [Pencil goes on about her boyfriend for a good half an hour. Exit Estigua, Needle & Nelson.]

10. Earth

Scene: Completely unrelated subject. On a far-down[178] of Earth, a UFO lands in the centre of Greenland, where nobody lives.[179]

Sunday, December 9 and later

Now shown here!


(Because those numbers can't lead to nowhere!)

Those in italics mean that further explanations can be found here. (This article has not been created yet, but it will.)

  1. It isn't in Portuguese ...
  2. Yes, I am aware that it says 2007 when it should have said 2009. But object years are two years ahead of Earth years.
  3. Pencil's birth surname.
  4. At her house.
  5. Pencil talks vaguely British, which is why she speaks using eye dialect.
  6. "Wake up, you have Saturday detention." (Portuguese)
  7. I noticed your changing of "mum" to "mom", but as far as I'm concerned, Pencil's not from Birmingham.
  8. Mrs. Chembe, their usual teacher is studying English at an American university.
  9. Dictionary.com says "A person of degraded, primitive, or brutal character."
  10. BFDIA.
  11. Hypocrite.
  12. This along with other atoms, such as deuterium (D) and iodine (I).
  13. "Nail." (Pt.)
  14. "Yes." (Pt.)
  15. Woody doesn't actually say real words in BFDI, but hey! We can make a happy medium 'ere.
  16. "Hammer." (Pt.)
  17. "Caipirinha", a Brazilian drink.
  18. "No!" (Pt.)
  19. "Whatever." (Pt.) This is who Pencil gets her personality from.
  20. "You're welcome!" (Pt.)
  21. Another clue!
  22. The late bell rings at various times.
  23. Number of people wretching while Pencil kisses Pen.
  24. If anyone British said "what" as "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" instead of "wot"/"wat", that'd be interesting.
  25. Yes, the word bae existed long before Instagram.
  26. Ooh, foreshadowing.
  27. The secret genetic ability to tell the future. Pencil must not know because it would ruin her life.
  28. "Look!" (Latin)
  29. Who is also her older brother.
  30. The same ones that Knife threw at Ruby, but changed by heat and pressure.
  31. "You are such a monster! I hope you never come to school!" (Chinese)
  32. Who can speak many languages.
  33. Another clue!
  34. Get it?
  35. Who is from America.
  36. "Not at all!" (Swahili)
  37. Your holiday?
  38. All exit.
  39. Justified right, as Cove's room is on the deep side from Chembe's room.
  40. Fairy noises.
  41. A restaurant near the school where students can lunch. What it looks like: Everything is basically pink. The walls, the tables, the chairs. The only thing not pink are the inhabitants and the food!
  42. Chanukah also.
  43. My friend was actually thinking of this.
  44. Like this perhaps.
  45. Yes, Match refers to her stepfather as Ari, but in anger. Pen refers to Katarzyna as Kat.
  46. Match's parents are more strict to her and Pen, but are nice to Eraser ironically, calling him their little baritone angel seraph.
  47. Anymore: Match enjoyed the Spongy family … until Baby Spongy came along.
  48. Does Orange Ball have parents? We know he can transform from human to object too, but …
  49. Yet.
  50. Yeah, who says that?
  51. "Tomorrow." (Hebrew)
  52. During high school, some students choose Theatre Club as an elective. Every Wednesday there is either chorus rehearsal or orchestra rehearsal in the theatre.
  53. Was originally The Pirates of Penzance, then Iolanthe, then A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, then Ruddigore.
  54. Ignore if you don't like to read long texts! For those (most of you, probably) who have no idea what I'm talking about, that's okay! I mean, the plot is either here or here. If you are confused even more, here is the 2007 cast. (The reason I chose them as them will be revealed in a new blog post!)
    • The Duke of Plaza-Toro, A Grandee of Spain (Firey)
    • Luiz, his Attendant (Zanthosis. Yes, I am aware it's an uncommon misspelling.)
    • Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor (Coiny)
    • Marco Palmieri, Venetian Gondolier (Pen)
    • Giuseppe Palmieri, Venetian Gondolier (Eraser)
    • Antonio, Venetian Gondolier (OJ)
    • Francesco, Venetian Gondolier (Gelatin)
    • Giorgio, Venetian Gondolier (Ununhexie)
    • Annibale, Venetian Gondolier (Baseball)
    • The Duchess of Plaza-Toro (Leafy)
    • Casilda, her Daughter (Firey and Leafy's daughter. Is Fireafy taken by anyone?)
    • Gianetta, Contadina (Pencil)
    • Tessa, Contadina (Match)
    • Fiametta, Contadina (Bubble)
    • Vittoria, Contadina (Ruby)
    • Giulia, Contadina (Book)
    • Inez, the King's Foster-mother (Needle)
  55. Oh my gosh! I forgot! The advisor is Mrs. Chembe.
  56. This. It's not like the rest of high school dramas where the two girls argue on what class they go to, which then turns into a fight, which turns into a brawl, which turns into nuclear war. Realistic as pie.
  57. I was wrong.
  58. I named this theatre … and I used to know what it meant. Now I can only guess that it's Swahili for "To begin Herpes simplex."
  59. Wrong opera!
  60. Usually, if one is late to Mrs. Chembe's class, you'd be introduced to class as a new student with some "late" variation of your name. For example, Pencil would be Latecil and Leafy would become Latefy. Not like Leafy's been late before, heh.
  61. Gondolier. Think of them as the taxi-drivers of Venice. (Well they were until the taxis suddenly cost, like, €80 for a few metres … Just walk if you can.)
  62. "Venice" (Italian)
  63. Just an approximation of how Canadians would fake Italian …
  64. Try it now! Sing middle C, but 1½ octave lower.
  65. Not really. I was one!
  66. This too! Sing the A above middle C. (It's easier for girls, though.)
  67. A Princess Ida reference!
  68. Really ladies and gentlemen.
  69. "Oxygen particle" (Sw.)
  70. Proof. The one Pencil would be playing is on the very right.
  71. Déjà vu!
  72. This is typical high school behaviour!
  73. About $20.
  74. Because they have a better cheating method.
  75. Probably the most ethical one here.
  76. "Angered" (to say the least; Polish)
  77. She was assisted by Tennis Ball, hall monitor of the school.
  78. Have kids? LOL, half the series you've offspring.
  79. "Totally not a dark alley" (Sw.)
  80. They're debating the pronunciation of "either"!
  81. Referring to Ice Cube and Pin.
  82. Same thing happens here.
  83. Which is most objects' slowest.
  84. I mean, they just walk away like it's no big deal!
  85. If this were humanised, I'd probably write something like: Match grabs Pen by the collar and shakes him enraged.
  86. "Good day." (Pol.)
  87. In 2007, Book would be 15 years old, and Ice Cube and Pin would be 6 and 8. Baseball cap would be around the same age, too, I guess.
  88. Oh! I forgot again! Book was a guidance counsellor at the camp.
  89. Referring to her own alliance.
  90. Non-alcoholic.
  91. I think this refers to Pin's terrible leadership and ability to make friends with those different from her, even at a young age.
  92. But in reality, I won't answer that question.
  93. No, Bubble is not Japanese. But her accent seems to be Okinawan.
  94. Not really weird.
  95. This is like part of the ½ your age plus 7, where the youngest age you can date someone is.
  96. Pin has talked to Pen in BFDI before, and it was quasi-not romantic but still shippable. Then episode 8 came along …
  97. Mắm = "Fish sauce" (Vietnamese)
  98. Ah, the start of a glorious rivalry!
  99. Plural of "sister", like "brethren" for "brother". It's got 192,000 hits on Google.
  100. BFDIA was right. Ruby does, did and will not go to gem school like the rest of her sisters, because the tuition. Oh, not the tuition!
  101. "I told you already, I speak the language of beautiful gems badly!" (Hawaiian)
  102. "Penélope (Pencil), If you need your GPS now, you are definitely going to the party. Take Nathália (Needle) and Nelsão (Nelson) with you!" (Pt.)
  103. "Go now!" (Pt.)
  104. I can't approximate a Chicago accent.
  105. "And now to relax.
  106. "Totally not the sun" (Sw.)
  107. "Totally not your mother" (Sw.)
  108. "Totally not the fact that you lost the game" (Sw.)
  109. The characters involved, if you got lost, are the regular alliance, Book's friends from camp, all Ruby's sisters, Needle and Nelson.
  110. "Thank you." (German)
  111. Shoes with wheels!
  112. "Good bye!" (Sw.)
  113. "Isn't it?" (Some British dialect)
  114. "Why do you not talk, dead man? Why do you not talk, dead man?" (Lat.) The correct spelling would be: "Cur tu non dicis, homo mortuus? Cur tu non dicis, homo mortuus?" Like "y u no talk ded mann stop y u no talk ded mann"
  115. Nairobi Heights is not a real place. But it has a nice ring to it!
  116. Pencil, being head of the cheerleaders, was just referencing the rivalry between her school and gem school.
  117. "Objects" are the mascot of their school. Very interesting, innit?
  118. They don't actually praise the sun or anything, it's just a silly thing my friends and I do. It's from this video game called Dark Souls II.
  119. She forgot about BFDI! (But if you're reading this, you did not.)
  120. As in, violence that can not and should not be written in words. Here are some of the tamer things they are doing.
    • Eating.
    • Drinking.
    • Watching (American) football.
    • Playing (American) football in the house.
    • Throwing up.
    • Throwing things.
  121. When Flower gets angry, her voice goes deep.
  122. In other words, the sound of clearing one's throat.
  123. "Good evening, Caldera." (Pol.)
  124. Awkward!
  125. "Terrible Love" (Spanish)
  126. Yes, I did it! All of Ruby's sisters have dialogue now!
  127. "Fish sauce" (Sp.). Chunk it up like the sauce itself! "Salsa" = sauce, "de" = of, "pescado" = fish
  128. She is Jewish, remember?
  129. Or some other word I'm thinking of.
  130. Supposed to be virility, meaning "manliness".
  131. "Hello?" (Vn.)
  132. Their last name.
  133. Like every 5 seconds or so.
  134. For those who are too young for this ancient technology do not know, these are basically telephones that are not cell phones but connect to the house.
  135. The joke is that the phone number spells TRI-ANGOLO.
  136. In Thai, 555-555 said aloud would be pronounced Hahaha-hahaha (๕๕๕๕๕๕). This was not the Gang's intentions, however.
  137. "Hello, my daughter. How is the party?" (Pt.)
  138. For the record, Portuguese does not sound like Chinese.
  139. "Did someone die? I'll bring some ointments!" (Pt.)
  140. "I don't know. Where is this party again?" (Pt.)
  141. "What?" (Pt.)
  142. "But that wasn't what I was asking about it. There are 865 streets named Kabisasikilimochagiza in all of Kenya!" (Pt.)
  143. "Is that the abandoned house?" (Pt.)
  144. Coming from both the Bible and the Torah.
  145. From 2002 (2000 OY) to 2008 (2006 OY), the Turkmenistani name for January was Turkmenbashi, the leader of the country.
  146. The emergency numbers in Kenya used to be very long until 2013 (2011 OY). For privacy reasons, Pen "censors" them.
  147. "Hello." (French)
  148. "Very well," (Swiss German)
  149. "Totally not a dark alley" (It.)
  150. "Thank you!" (Fr., Ger., It., Romansch, the four official languages of Switzerland.)
  151. About 1/100 of a second.
  152. Just go click the arrows next to 2009 and it will sort it from strongest to weakest.
  153. Canadians have a stereotype saying "Sorry" all the time.
  154. "Concerned." (Pol.)
  155. Wordplay. "Honey" = "Hon", "Money" = "Mun".
  156. "Brother-in-law" (Sw.)
  157. "We will!" (Pol.)
  158. "Hello." (Ger.)
  159. "Headmistress" (Ge.)
  160. Can I have extra birdseed when I get home?
  161. United States Dollar married Canadian Dollar and from them produced Coiny, Nickel, Dime and Quarter.
  162. The people who stay are …
  163. "Autobahn" Germany, "Highway" elsewhere.
  164. I don't even know.
  165. "Hello, Frederico (Pen)!" (Pt.)
  166. "What brings you here?" (Pt.)
  167. "I've been summoned by my children to come to the party!" (Pt.)
  168. "Wait! Ain't you from the same party of Pencil?" (Pt.)
  169. "Awesome! That's where I'm going to pick up your [cut short] girlfriend—" (Pt.)
  170. "Strange. I thought I saw my daughter in the boot (trunk) of the car!" (Pt.)
  171. "Children! In the car!" (Pt.)
  172. It's not safe to count on the freeway!
  173. "One, two. Where is Pencil?" (Pt.)
  174. That explains why I saw her. And are they going home? (Pt.)
  175. "That liar! Tell me more." (Pt.)
  176. "We're home! Actually, I have no idea why I'm saying that; nobody's home but— HAH! Pencil!" (Pt.)
  177. "I thought Pen took you this place, and, and, and other … fictions!"
  178. Opposite of a "close-up".
  179. The significance of this UFO will be seen later.