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This is where episodes 27 through 31 will go, after the contests. They are relatively shorter than other episodes.


Before BFDI, a series by Yterbium1
Plot Synopsis (read this first!)
December 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 89 • 10 • 11 • 1213 • 14 • 15 • 1617 • 18 • 1920 • 21 • 22 • 23 • 2425 • 2627 • 28 • 2930 • 31January 1 and after
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1 Red ones are coming sooner or later to a website near you. Most likely later.

Week 4.5

Thursday, December 27

1. Marsabit National Park

Scene: Everyone is sleeping. They have been transferred from their positions in the room of Heiwa into the house.

  • Announcer: Meep, meep. Rise and shine everyone.

[Everyone screams.]

  • Golf Ball: About what is there to rise and shine?
  • Tennis Ball: Yeah, it's only 6:15 outside.
  • Leafy: Come on, guys, you should be happy to wake up this early! It means more time to enjoy yourself and have fun!
  • Pen: And a soldier has to wake up in the best shape at the best time!
  • Announcer: Leafy is right, and Pen is half-right.

[During this, Leafy runs around the scenery]

  • Pencil: 'Alf-ri—
  • Announcer: Shush, sheesh. You are waking up at the fifteenth minute of the sixth hour for a reason.
  • Eraser: Which is?
  • Announcer: 6:15 is the time most adolescents' alarm clocks go off.
  • Pin: Yeah, when they go to school!
  • Announcer: Which is exactly where you are going.

[Everyone is confused.]

  • Announcer: As if I could not have made myself more clear: you are all going to the same school for a day experiment challenge.
  • Golf Ball: We have to go to school again?
  • Announcer: Well, since you are all eighteen years old, this can also count as being in college.
  • Pencil: The University o' BFDI. Wonderful. An' to think I'd ever get some formal education up in Europe some day.
  • Coiny: But shouldn't we be in high school and not university? I mean, nobody starts that late, do they?
  • Announcer: Yes, you will all be in a high school.
  • Golf Ball: WHAT!? Twenty-three years of education for another change at high school?
  • Tennis Ball: Don't worry, GB, I understand you.
  • Golf Ball: No, you don't! Don't you know how much I don't miss high school? That place was the cynosure of bullies.
  • Announcer: No, it will not be. Only the twenty of you will be in the school, and besides, how bad could it be?

2. Generic Object High School

Scene: Immediately cuts to high school. Golf Ball and Tennis Ball are the only ones seen at this time, donned with the most[1] stylish of glasses, coupled with the most quantitative of textbooks.[2]

  • Golf Ball: Never say "how bad could it be" and expect good things to happen again, Announcer. Has the word "counter-intuitive" appeared in your lack of subconscious yet?
  • Tennis Ball: Wow, GB, look! We're in high school! Look, there are the nice girls [to Leafy, Ice Cube and Teardrop who are picking up rubbish in the halls], those two guys who compete for attention …
  • Firey: I bet I can make a better "yo mama" joke than you, Coiny!
  • Coiny: Yeah, well I can make a joke that only smart people can get! So you're not included …
  • Tennis Ball: I don't know what kind of group that one is … [to Rocky who is vomit-drawing on the walls, Woody who is trapped in the soundproof music room and Spongy who is speed farting] … and the foreign exchange student!
  • Pin: Một ngày nào đó tôi sẽ làm cho bản thân mình quan trọng ở đây![3]
  • Golf Ball: I think you're missing some people.
  • Tennis Ball: Really? Who?

[They get pushed to the sides by the popular crew, who consists of …]

  • Pencil: Omg, Pen, it's so amazin' o' ye ter invite us into yer mansion whene'er we can!
  • Match: You'll totally, like, love it.
  • Pen: One rule: No uncool people allowed.
  • Pencil: Wot's thet, the temperature o' yer varsity jacket?
  • Pen: Only the best football players win it!

[They – them plus Bubble and Eraser – laugh.]

  • Golf Ball: Those idiots!
  • Tennis Ball: You might not want to anger them; they've got arms.

[Blocky, Snowball and Flower, who are moaning monotonously, push through them as well. They are covered in dirt and extremely dark slime.]

  • Announcer: People, calm down.
  • Match: Omg, so he was like, people, calm down and I was, like, no—
  • Announcer: I meant, please calm down and abandon your stereotypes for now.
  • Everyone: Sorry. [TB and GB ditch their books and glasses, Leafy her flower in her hair, Pen his varsity jacket, the alliance their pom-poms and uniforms and Blocky and friends their intoxicated bodies.]
  • Announcer: The purpose of you all being here is not to simulate high school all over again, but it is to simulate your high school knowledge!
  • Golf Ball: Yes! I was voted the highest in my class when I was in high school, I don't know about you sub-decimal IQ'ers!
  • Pen: Um, maybe you should calm down?
  • Leafy: That was mean!
  • Announcer: That is enough, cut to next scene.
  • Coiny: Yes!

3. Testing room

  • Announcer: You are all in here being tested on your knowledge. It does not matter if you are smart or stupid, but it will reflect in some way or other. Get a pen or pencil that is neither a football star nor a hybrid culture, and begin your test.[4]

[They start the test. Eraser gets up. Pen thumbs him up subtly.]

  • Announcer: Wow! Eraser, you are done already? You must be either very smart to finish, or you are cheating.
  • Eraser: I need to go to the washroom.
  • Announcer: Okay. I did not know that erasers were able to do that forbidden function. How do they do it? Does it come via a tube in the air? Does it—
  • Eraser: Done.
  • Announcer: Then sit in your assigned seat … the seat that is all the way on the opposite side of the classroom. I don't know why you are on the other side with the intelligent students, but just sit.

[Thirty minutes later.]

  • Announcer: Alright. All of your tests are done.
  • Needle: Finally!
  • Flower: It's not my fault that thing was super hard!
  • Pen: The test had three questions on it and all of them had to do with observations of the room. How hard could it have gotten?
  • Firey: Flower, I'm surprised you can wake up in the morning without deciding which eye should open first.
  • Pencil: 'Ey, Pen, 'ow d'ye think I did?
  • Pen: Why? I didn't cheat!
  • Pencil: Well as o' now, yer left hand went be'ind the right part o' yer face! 'T either means yer groomin' yerself or ye've been cheatin'.
  • Pen: Definitely correcting the position of my cap-hair[5], nothing much. Doesn't it make me look twenty years younger?
  • Pencil: Aye, it do.
  • Announcer: Blocky, Pen, Eraser. Please come up here to the front desk, and bring anything that was created after my date of birth.[6]
  • Pencil: Groomin' yerself me posterior!

4. Front desk

Scene: Blocky, Pen and Eraser are being interviewed.

  • Announcer: You are cheaters.
  • Eraser: That's stupid, you ain't got no proof.
  • Blocky: And why does that matter? Everyone got the same answers anyway!
  • Announcer: Yes, but I know that you three are of the cheating type. I am going to get down to business and find out what happened.

[Silence]

  • Announcer: Okay, nobody is speaking up? You will have to …
  • Pen: Oh no, not the punishments.
  • Announcer: … live with the feeling of guilt, eternal guilt that will last you a burden throughout your lives. This guilt will spiral you into a dark, deep stream of conscience lost all because of a test on which you have cheated—
  • Pen: [rapidly] Okay, we were cheating! Blocky stole some things from my [censored][7] company, including an invisible magnifying glass and an apparatus to copy examination answers, and the whole thing about Eraser going to the washroom was a big lie, I've lived with that man for eighteen years and've never seen him once do such a sort of thing, and the machine-thing copied the test results onto our page, so now you know exactly why Blocky, Eraser and I have the same test answers! Please don't punish me in any way, shape or form, I'm about to become a husband and I really don't want the guilt to linger on with me, please!
  • Eraser: [enraged] You swore …
  • Blocky: [equally enraged] You'd never tell!
  • Pen: Look, I'm sorry, but the truth most come first.
  • Announcer: Wow, Pen, I'm beginning to see some potential character development within you. Maybe there is some bit of good inside of your generally evil self.
  • Pen: Ev—
  • Announcer: [to the "class"] Alright, everyone, we are continuing to go on to the next challenge.
  • Match: Which, like, is?

5. Jigsaw puzzle room

Scene: Immediately cut to next.

  • Announcer: Your job now is to complete a jigsaw puzzle with your former partner. I expect to see ten completed until the last person has finished.[8]
  • Pen: So, we're finally partners again! How does it feel to be with the best person in this room?
  • Pencil: Great …
  • Pen: Well, this should be easy.
  • Pencil: 'Ow? All o' the background is the same colour; we'll ne'er be able to finish this logically.[9]
  • Golf Ball: Done! With your help, Pin, we are able to accomplish anything!
  • Pin: Almost anything …
  • Golf Ball: Huh? [Pen gets her as he did with Coiny[10]] Help!
  • Pin: Hey, put her down right now! I deserve to be carried by you, not that ex-old maid!
  • Golf Ball: Watch it, pinhead!
  • Pen: Shh, this will only be temporary … Now help us finish this puzzle!
  • Eraser: [watching] Huh, Pen, 'tlooks like you've finally got yourself a robot.
  • Pen: Not cool, bro. She is a living and breathing sentient animate inanimate object and she is doing our puzzle for us.
  • Pencil: I didn't agree on any part o' this.
  • Match: Same. I'm just here on my invisible phone; come join me!
  • Pencil: Sure! We can 'ave an original round o' textin' sessions!
  • Golf Ball: Done. [to Pen] I accept payment in cash or credit, your choice.
  • Pen: I'll use Kenyan provisional coins until I'm sure of the political situation.
  • Golf Ball: Blah blah, LET ME GO!
  • Pen: Sorry, I had no idea you were in Coiny's handcuffs this whole time.
  • Coiny: And neither did the lords of animation.
  • Pen: You're free to go. [he un-handcuffs her]
  • Pencil: Bae, we need to talk.
  • Pen: I know. I look wonderful when I'm in authority, eh?
  • Pencil: No, I mean fer yer cheatin' problems.
  • Pen: I haven't contacted any other women, I promise![11]
  • Pencil: I mean, like, recently, ye've been usin' unacceptable methods to win these challenges. Is somethin' wrong with'ee? D'ye want to see a psychologist acos I'm really good a' consultin' one fer my anger issu—
  • Pen: I just don't know. Like, every time there's a challenge in the mental category, I always feel the need to cheat. Even when Eraser and I were just boys, every Hanukkah we'd get from [censored][12] a big book of puzzle books. Little did I know that in English were you supposed to read from left to right, so in spite of that we read starting from the Answer Key, and we're not even Japanese!
  • Pencil: Oh, you bad soul. But seriously, y'should really stop cheatin', e'en if it goes agains' yer intuition o' some sort. An' besides, wot's the wors' thing thet could 'appen?

[Montage of everyone doing challenges[13] and Pen somehow finding a way to cheat at every one. Meanwhile at the Alliance Partnership International.[14]]

  • Pine Tree: Guys, we just failed to saved Pen but given Sword I'm thinking that he'll have a plan to kill them and we are victims.
  • Ingot: Oh, I know what we can do! We can sing a little song—
  • Pine Tree: NO!

6. Volcano

Scene: Everyone arrives at the volcano at the same time.

  • Announcer: In the last and only challenge that is not related to academia …
  • Snowball: YES!
  • Blocky: BUH!
  • Announcer: Your job is to escape the volcano. All who die will be recovered on the spot.
  • Bubble: So when we accidointaly doy, we end up hoire?
  • Announcer: Yes, but there is a ca—
  • Bubble: Yoylecake!
  • Announcer: Also, this is one of the more straightforward challenges, so there is no way to cheat at this. I am referring to you, Pen and Eraser. Go.

[They go off.]

  • Eraser: Cheating?
  • Pen: I don't know how we were cheating.
  • Pencil: Don't know how? I think's'ee much so well[15] … y'cheated at jigsaw puzzles by havin' Golf Ball do the work. When we crossed the maze[16], y'stood at the top o' the hill, an' no matter 'ow intimidatin' y'looked up there (O me heart), ye was still cheatin' by lookin' at the maze aerially.
  • Pen: It's an old technique from my old service days.
  • Pencil: Don' matter. Y'cheated at buildin' a boat[17] by askin' Tennis Ball fer the work.
  • Pen: He was in the Navy! I had to go to an expert!
  • Pencil: Y'cheated at differentiatin' red an' maroon[18] by seein' which numbers e'eryone else got.
  • Pen: That—
  • Pencil: Y'cheated at behavin' properly on a ski lift[19] by claimin' ter 'ave read a skiin' etiquette book.
  • Pen: It's not my fault I'm rich!
  • Pencil: 'Ow 'bout findin' a needle in an 'aystack?
  • Pen: She wanted to be scanned! And I also saw you do a swindle for your sister.
  • Pencil: Wote'er. When y'crossed the bridge[20] thet wasn't there, ye JUMPED. 'Ow could'ee do a thing an' not invite me with'ee?
  • Pen: Literally decades of training.
  • Pencil: When y'was asked to use a lock an' key system[21], y'waited fer someone to enter so you could'a too!
  • Pen: Either Spongy's not a someone, or I'm just too beautiful to be considered a someone, most likely the second.
  • Pencil: Wot fer the cookin' challenges?[22] On each one, y'asked Leafy to do it with'ee.
  • Leafy: Thanks a lot, now I have to think of a new recipe for my [censored].[23]
  • Pencil: When'ee got a key by buildin' blocks[24], you used yer `EIGHT! Seriously? Y'couldn't try to use the blocks at all?
  • Pen: Did you see the visible dirt? And besides, with me being tall and rich, what isn't there to love about me?
  • Pencil: Omg, thet's so true. I ain't to mention the cryin'[25] an' unicycle[26] challenges, but I'm instantly in love again! [They kiss.]
  • Match: Maybe you two lovers should, like, hurry along!
  • Eraser: Yeah, don't end up like Romeo and Juliet.
  • Pencil: Why? 'Tain't like we're dyin' 'ere!

[Flower pushes by them, knocking them into the volcano.]

  • Flower: YEEEEEEEEEEEET!
  • Pencil: Omg, 'ello, Bubble!
  • Bubble: You'll noiver guess what your sister told me.
  • Pencil: Wot's'ee?
  • Bubble: At the end of the volcoino is the Room of Perpoitual Hoiwa!
  • Pencil: What is this Hoiwa?
  • Bubble: Hoiwa! You knoiow, hoiwa? Hoiwa hoiwa hoiwa hoiwa!
  • Pen: You mean heiwa?
  • Bubble: Boy, don't judge my voice!
  • Pencil: Ooh, snap! [snaps her fingers] Come on, Pen, let's get pas' the volcano to get some res'!

[They hurry across the track, accidentally knocking some people.]

  • Pencil: Out o' me way, I need some 'eiwa!
  • Pen: Sorry on behalf of my wife!

7. Room of Perpetual Heiwa

Scene: Everyone enters the Room. It is exactly the same as it was before.

  • Pen: Yes, we are finally alone! Shall we—
  • Pencil: Exectly wot I was thinkin'.

[Enter Leafy and Firey at once.]

  • Firey: Hello, peoples!
  • PenPencil: Dang it!Damme![27]
  • Leafy: It looks like we've won second place in the contests! We all played a good game. And Firey, if you excuse me, I need to go to the little leaves' room.
  • Firey: Autumn scenery?
  • Leafy: No, the toilet.

[Exit Leafy. Enter everyone else.]

  • Pin: What? This room is left exactly as it was before?
  • Golf Ball: How can you tell?
  • Pin: [finding ooze on one of the statues] For one thing, Heiwa rooms don't keep your sweat from your last visit!
  • Tennis Ball: I have identified your ooze as radioactive. Never did I know that pins could sweat neptunium.
  • Pin: We're from the Perfume River, so Poseidon had to help us in some way.
  • Tennis Ball: Scientifically, I can but prove it.
  • Pin: Won't that hurt you?
  • Golf Ball: A-ha! I caught you red handed!
  • Tennis Ball: Don't you mean “red-footed”?
  • Golf Ball: You were conversing with a monster!
  • Pin: At least I'm not like Pencil and the others.
  • Golf Ball: That is true; you can not be any worse in school than be popular.
  • Tennis Ball: I wonder what they're doing right now.
  • Golf Ball: Ponder not, my duo-mate.

[Match, Pencil and Pen are lying down on a makeshift picnic blanket. Pen is wearing sunglasses for whatever reason.]

  • Match: We did plan this well.
  • Pen: The revolt against the Pandilla almost failed, but it got the point across.
  • Pencil: Aye, an' thet means no more contests.
  • Match: Pen, why are you wearing sunglasses anyway? Our “sun” is a giant lightbulb attached to the faux sky!
  • Pen: It makes me look good, and I dress for the weather.
  • Pencil: There's jus' one thing I can't understand about'ee.
  • Pen: It was inherited from my father, I swear.
  • Pencil: Fer most o' the time I've known'ee, you've always been a humble an' modest.
  • Pen: It is what I do the best!
  • Pencil: Aye, I know, but lately yer all 'aughty an' selfish with yerself. Not thet I hate yerself right now, but really, 's everythin' goin' okay?
  • Match: Omg, Pencil, you're acting like there's, like, one okay thing about Pen! You're a comedian!
  • Pencil: Er, Match, can we have our convo man-to-woman—
  • Pen: And not man-to-woman-with-woman-intervening, because that would just be wrong.
  • Match: Fine, I'll stand!
  • Bubble: Thoink you for respects.
  • Pen: Aren't I very good at changing people's stances, y'know, literally?
  • Pencil: I don't care 'ow ye are, yer jus' so beautiful I've fallen in love again! [they kiss] Wot was thet we're talkin' about?
  • Pen: Nothing out of my line! Maybe we were discussing how great this picnic is!
  • Pencil: Aye, the Announcer really did us a treat after our war agains' unfair treatmen'. I guess group protests work often around 'ere.
  • Pen: But now, we're just alone – just the twenty of us.
  • Pencil: I know, but I'm really startin' to miss me [censored], [censored] an' [censored]. An' don' get me started with [censored], oh the memories we used to cherish together!
  • Pen: But on the bright side, we can make new memories out here, just you … and me.

[They kiss. Suddenly, it begins to rain.]

  • Coiny: Rain? On a day like this?
  • Needle: Rainy season doesn't begin in a few months!
  • Golf Ball: Remember, anomalies like this occur at a normal rate. You should not be startled by this.
  • Blocky: Blah blah.
  • Eraser: Bo-ring.
  • Snowball: Madam Professoress, I left my life outside of thine earshot.
  • Pen: Firey's smart, he's standing under a tree.
  • Pencil: He needs to, dear, 'tain't like 'e invites people.

[Coiny cuts down the tree.]

  • Coiny: I'm also a licenced tree-cutter.
  • Firey: You destroyed my only source of shelter! I am going to— [he does not get affected by the rain] Huh?
  • Tennis Ball: Maybe you should take a closer look at the raindrop.
  • Firey: [reading] "Property of BFDIP, not made of real water. Use sparingly IOTA pl" What does that even mean?
  • Bubble: I don't knoyow, Foirey, but look! All the plants're becoming broyown!
  • Coiny: So this is why people here don't want the planet humans inhabit.
  • Spongy: Theeeere's a doooooooor oouutsiiiide oooof heeeere. Weeee caaaan leeaave.
  • Match: Omg, that's a good idea! Spongy, you get out of here last.
  • Firey: I'm sure Leafy's out there.

[Exeunt omnes into a clear and sunny sky outside.]

  • All: Marsabit National Park?
  • Pencil: But I thought the Room o' Perpetual 'Eiwa was in the park! Not a special room! Now me childhood's ruined.
  • Match: #thirdworldproblems.
  • Pen: It's a good thing that we're back outside in the actual Kenyan wilderness, where nothing can harm us!

[It begins to rain again, once again rain of the unnatural kind.]

  • Pin: Let me look at a drop: "roperty of BFDIP, not ade of real water. se sparingly IOTA plot". Still gibberish! Why won't anything work out here!?
  • Firey: Pin, you have to remember what Leafy would say: We're here to be friends, not enemies.
  • Pin: Okay.

[Thunder begins to roll, however silently.]

  • Firey: I- I'm going back in the BFDI house right now. If rain brings out artificial liquid, who knows what kind of anti-Firey material could come out of a thunderstorm?
  • Coiny: That's lame – I'm going with you.
  • Firey: Battle for the best shelter?
  • Coiny: That name won't be taken yet five years in the future, sure![28]

[Meanwhile on the field.]

  • Match: Can we go, like, inside now? It's starting to thunder and lightning.
  • Pen: Y'know, there are two people already inside there.
  • Needle: Make that five! Pin and I are going in now; it's too dangerous for our species.
  • Tennis Ball: Actually, make that six. Woody's been in there ever since the rain started, rumour has it.
  • Match: But, like, don't you know how bad lightning is for me? Every time I get struck by it, something strange happens.
  • Pen: Like the time—
  • Match: Let me tell it, OMG, so, like, the first time it touched my head, I started speaking backwards. Mum started getting worried when objects started to float in her house. The next time, it lowered my voice by, like, seven vigintillilion octaves. Try singing bass at your synagogue as a seven-year-old girl.
  • Bubble: What do you think will hoippen now?
  • Match: [gets struck by lightning] 火星の首都が木星にありません。疲れますから今、家で助けてください。[29] [She gets pushed in by Eraser.]
  • Tennis Ball: This is frightening: the synthetic rain, the completely silent thunder, what's next? A topless tornado?
  • Pen: I don't think that will happen.
  • Golf Ball: Should we go in now?
  • Tennis Ball: No, this is a scientific breakthrough.
  • Golf Ball: It is necessary for great minds to think alike.

[Suddenly something extremely unusual happens: hot air meets with cold air, and a tornado forms as Tennis Ball said.[30]]

  • Tennis Ball: This seems very wrong. Why is the cold air coming in the direction of inlands, and the hot air from the Indian Ocean? It's as if we were standing on alternate angles.
  • Golf Ball: Wow! This discrepancy is truly a scientific anomaly! I can't wait to tell my [censored] about this![31]
  • Tennis Ball: I know, but standard tornado procedures do apply right now. Let's run in the house just like we were in Oklahoma for that debate on object evolution …

[Exeunt Tennis Ball and Golf Ball.]

  • Pen: Match, did you hear that?
  • Match: Like, yeah! Smart people talk way too much.
  • Pen: We know that, but what they did say! According to procedures, you have to run into the house so you don't get as affected by a tornado.
  • Match: Well, I can't. Just, like, can't do it.
  • Pen: Why?
  • Match: For Pencil. She's been standing out here, not saying a word at all! There's no way I can touch her at, like, this state! [Beat] And I thought you'd know better, you know, like, about your girlfriend.
  • Eraser: [walking by] Yeah.
  • Pen: Her head just moved a few pixels up; I think she's about to start talking.

[She starts to talk. Meanwhile, Bubble, Ice Cube, Rocky, Spongy and Teardrop hurry inside, whilst Pen summons Match to leave the house and protect her.]

  • Pencil: [with a crazed look on her face] Aye, O thank'ee ye fine tornado … Yer so amazin' thet you could arrive in Africa at the right time – if'ee could appear in Africa at all, O I am so happy fer'ee … Maybe ye can carry me with'ee back to the city of Nairobi so I can be finally happy again, where I can 'ave me mum, me dad, me Nelson, me Book, Ruby, all e'eryone instead o' here where me only friends I've seen for so long … please, send me away an' send back my old life again, as I'ven't seen'ee in ages …
  • Pen: Pencil! That tornado …

[Match comes outside, concerned.]

  • Pencil: Ain'ee wonderful I swear on me mum thet it can take me away to 'ome, an' finally back to the rest o' the world an' normality …
  • Pen: That tornado is … HEADED RIGHT TOWARDS US!

[Pencil abruptly departs from her idyll in a scream of terror.]

  • Pencil: AHHHHHHHH! Wot'n'ale do we do at a situation like this?
  • Pen: The only thing left to do is run!
  • Pencil: Y'know in winds like this me legs stop workin'.
  • Match: I'll push her in.
  • Pen: Me too!

[They push her inside, when Blocky, Snowball and Flower are loitering still outside.]

  • Snowball: Zounds!
  • Blocky: [to Pen, Match and Pencil] Hey! You're going backwards! Yo, you're going backwards![32] Backwards!
  • Match: Stuff a hypocrisy tablet in it, Blocky, we're, like, trying to save our friend here!
  • Flower: [Aside.] I bet they walk backwards too. [They get sucked into the tornado. Meanwhile, Pen and Match set Pencil down where everyone else is.]
  • Pencil: To teamwork?
  • Match: No.
  • Tennis Ball: Oh no, the storm is heading right to this house!

[It blows the roof off the house. Everyone screams.]

  • Pin: Now's the time to tell our deepest secrets!
  • Match: Who knows, like, if we'll die or not?
  • Pencil: I'M NOT RICH AT ALL! I jus' 'ave rich friends, all beside me, an' at 'ome I'm poor's 'ale.
  • Match: MY ANCESTORS WERE JEWISH SLOVAKIANS OF POLISH DESCENT, NOT FROM POLAND, LIKE, ITSELF! They're like Poland, but poorer and more farminging.
  • Needle: Well![33]
  • Pen: MY MIDDLE NAME'S DEMETRIA![34] My parents thought I was a girl until my Bax Mitzvah.
  • Pencil: Thet's an 'eavily kept secret, m8.
  • Pin: I really want to change my name to Demetria right now but all these people are blocking my walk to the court and immigration offices!
  • Coiny: Yeah, notwithstanding the giant funnel of all of Abaddon in one coming straight toward us!
  • Firey: Oh my gosh, is that Leafy?

[Leafy is seen on top of the tornado insanely.]

  • Leafy: I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU! I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU! I'M DOING THIS FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—

[Cut to black as all contestants get sucked in.]

Friday, December 28

1. Marsabit National Park

Scene: Everyone is lying down on the debris.

  • Firey: Wait, we're still alive?
  • Announcer: Of course. All of your recovery licences have been renewed.
  • Needle: Sweet! I've finally got my own recovery licence!
  • Pencil: So ahead of'ee, sister.
  • Match: Omg, it turns out there is something good coming out of BFDI!
  • Pen: Careful, it may be a trap.
  • Tennis Ball: Well, we all know who it is to place the blame … Leafy.
  • Golf Ball: I agree. I always thought she was a good person!
  • Leafy: People, please excuse me!
  • Coiny: What is it now?
  • Leafy: I'd like to speak to a girl.

[Match pushes Pencil towards Leafy.]

  • Leafy: No, I mean an actual girl.
  • Pencil: U wot m8?
  • Pen: Maybe you should calm down, I think she really means it this time.
  • Pencil: [sigh]Yer–
  • Pin: –right.

[All of the girls except Flower go up to Leafy.]

  • Leafy: People, I have gathered you all here for a reason.
  • Golf Ball: To explain to us about the tornado you caused?
  • Leafy: [sigh]Yes. I- [starts to cry] I just couldn't take it anymore! All the forced expectations of making everyone nice and shaming all the mean people?
  • Pencil: Leafy, I sort o' know 'ow yer goin'.
  • Match: So do I.
  • Leafy: I even wrote a song about it!
SONG: Leafy
"You're Mean"[35]

 ♫ When you speak well of your fortunes, you are mean.
When you chat others' misfortunes, you are mean.
When you stare at the disabled,
Or you judge the other Mabel,
Here's some words for who is able: Don't be seen.

When you enter like no other, you are mean.
When you don't speak to your brother, you are mean.
When you change the daytime setting,
Don't invite me to your wedding,
I will hate your use of bedding, if 'tain't green.

When you interrupt some person, you are mean.
When you use some mild cursing, you are mean.
When you speak another lengua[36] Such as Polish, Greek or Tengwar,
You're deserving of my angwer, You're so mean!

[At the end, nobody claps.]

  • Pencil: No offence, Leafy, but thet song was a bit too–
  • Match: Terrible! That was, like, the worst song ever. I mean, I've heard bad, but this was just cruel to listen to, Miss Hypocaustical-Arrangements.
  • Leafy: Let's see if you can do better, Miss Different-Guy-Every-Night–
  • Match: That tears it–

[A full on fight occurs between Match and Leafy[37]; Pencil is trying to pull Match off just like everyone else. Suddenly, enter Pen and Eraser.]

  • Pen: Hey, what's going on here?
  • Eraser: I also would like some information.
  • Match: Like, Leafy was being mean to me! I want to sue her once I get my [censored][38] money.
  • Eraser: Leafy being mean? That's crazy.
  • Pen: It's like saying the sun is cubical. You've never tested it, but you know it is.
  • Eraser: Yeah, I think we'd better go.

[Exit Eraser.]

  • Pencil: Wait, stay 'ere!
  • Pen: I've got an appointment with this new doctor, Dr. B. L. Ocky.

[Pencil's tip becomes metal.]

  • Pen: I meant I'll stay here!
  • Leafy: Oh great, a boy!
  • Match: [Aside.]Barely.[Pencil elbows her]
  • Pen: Y'know, Leafy, I kind of understand the pain and troubles you're going through. During my last years of the war, people'd always go up to me and say things like "Thank you for your service" or "You're my hero". But the truth is, I just don't want to be that hero everyone describes me! I just want to be that image of corporate greed my [censored][39] wants me to be.
  • Leafy: You really shouldn't talk about yourself that much, it's mean to be selfish.
  • Pencil: Leafy, I know yer personality don't call fer this, but I really can understand 'ow y'feels. Y'don' 'ave to be a very nice person to go far 'ere. Jus' act normally.
  • Leafy: You mean, like how I act with Firey?
  • Pencil: Aye, jus' like thet!
  • Leafy: Then I shall stop chastising all the nice people and calling other people mean.
  • Pin: Yeah, you should.

Scene 2: Later that night

Scene: Girls' cabin. Everyone is supposed to be sleeping.

  • Leafy: [quietly]Psst … psst … Pencil, are you up?
  • Pencil: Aye, why?
  • Leafy: Well, I just wanted to thank you for your helping me. I don't think I could go on without you and the other girls.
  • Pencil: Aww, 'twas nothin'.
  • Leafy: I'm thinking of starting an alliance between us all.
  • Bubble: Oi'd love to join, if it's okoy with my alloiance.
  • Match: Like, no.
  • Bubble: And it's soittled.
  • Ice Cube: Can I be a part of your alliance?
  • Leafy: Sure!
  • Needle: I'm abandoning the old and joining yours, Pencil.
  • Pencil: No problem.
  • Match: Yeah, like, seriously.
  • Pin: And Teardrop and I would also like to join!

[They all scream in excitement.]

  • Pen: Can you tone it down by, like, a few decibels; some people are trying to sleep!
  • Match: What the [censored] is he doing in the girls' beds?
  • Pencil: Well, married couples always sleep together, so we thinks, "why not?" So 'ere 'e is. Scram yerself if y'don' like'e.
  • Pin: And now I think I found a new bed.
  • Pencil: Down yerself, m8.
  • Pin: Fine.
  • Leafy: It's so great being here all together! I don't know how this could get any better right now!

Saturday, December 29

1. Marsabit National Park

Scene: Everyone is lined up in alphabetical order.

  • Announcer: Alright, so I want you to listen up. This may get any worse right now. But first I want you all to stand straight.
  • Pen: Needle, you're supposed to be standing 90°. I'm seeing a 82°.
  • Needle: Well, pardon my platitis!
  • Pencil: Omg, Pen, yer so hot when y' commands people!
  • Golf Ball: Oh my Byrtie, I had no idea the Kenyan military measured posterity angles on factor of ninety!
  • Tennis Ball: [calling from several contestants away] I know! Remember how instead of 82, we'd say 8?
  • Golf Ball: Good times!
  • Announcer: People, be quiet. And you don't know what I will do with you anyways, so I don't see how worried you should be.
  • Coiny: Really? So if I walk out right now, I won't be penalised? [about to walk out]
  • Announcer: Stop it right now. This is important. Rocky, Spongy, Woody. Please walk up, front-and-centre.

[They do so.]

  • Flower: Ooh, are they getting out of here?
  • Leafy: Flower, that was m– [everyone looks at her] I mean, your actions were negatory to this e place.
  • Flower: Quiet, weightless one!
  • Announcer: Spongy and Woody, you are good.
  • Spongy: Yooooooooy.

[Woody noises]

  • Announcer: Rocky, on the other hand, needs changing. I don't want you to be a floater who doesn't talk. I want you to be a floater who does talk, but learns to vomit later on. Do you think you can do that?
  • Rocky: Nn-hnh![40]
  • Golf Ball: Why are you asking to change people? Are you trying to adjust personalities here, or what?
  • Announcer: Actually, Golf Ball, you are correct. And you are next.
  • Golf Ball: What?
  • Tennis Ball: Do I have to be included too?
  • Announcer: Yes, and Pin does as well.

[Golf Ball, Tennis Ball and Pin walk up.]

  • Pin: What will happen to us?
  • Announcer: Two out of the three of you have something in common with one person, and one of you have something in common with two of you.
  • Pin: Just tell us already!
  • Announcer: Well, Pin, we all know that you and Golf Ball are the bossy ones.
  • Golf Ball: Bossy? In what way can I be co–
  • Announcer: Shush. Sheesh. Golf Ball and Tennis Ball, you both are smart.
  • Tennis Ball: And I value that very highly.
  • Announcer: Well, here are the ways I will change you: Golf Ball and Tennis Ball, you may keep your intelligence.
  • Tennis Ball: [to Golf Ball] Low 5! [they endeavor in doing so]
  • Announcer: However, you may not keep your ageism.
  • Golf Ball: But the young people–
  • Announcer: No. And I am not done with you either. Both you and Pin are very smart, but you should underestimate your intelligence and be more bossy.
  • Pin: How are we bossy? We just happen to be very well leaders! Tôi chắc chắn rằng không ai quan tâm những gì tôi![41]
  • Announcer: Yes, they do. And Pin, please don't pontificate yourself of foreign born origin. They won't like that you can speak perfect Thai.
  • Pin: It's Vietnamese!
  • Announcer: Whatever.
  • Eraser: Speaker Box thing, what is the they you're talking about?
  • Blocky: No, Eraser! Play dumb and stupider than you is!
  • Announcer: What a coincidence, because you four are next. You know who you are, the worst of the bunch.

[Blocky, Snowball, Eraser and Flower go up.]

  • Flower: What do you want?
  • Snowball: Aye, thou wantest what?
  • Announcer: I need you all to underestimate your evil.
  • All: Huh?
  • Announcer: You should stop being a gang of deadbeat losers who kill people.
  • Blocky: But killing people is my thing! My sha-pwang! My–
  • Announcer: We get it. Therefore, you will be a gang of classy cool guys who kill people.
  • Snowball: It maketh sense.
  • Eraser: So you want us to be cool? That's nice, Pen and I did that all the time!
  • Flower: Quiet, weightful one. What about me?
  • Announcer: You are the vain, stuck up and rude freethinker to pretty much everyone here.
  • Flower: THAT'S ME ALREADY!
  • Announcer: Coiny and Firey, you get up now.

[Coiny and Firey get up.]

  • Firey: Please don't tell me we have to be friends!
  • Coiny: Yeah, I don't want to be friends with someone who's animated at a speed way too far primitive beyond my comprehension.
  • Announcer: First of all, Coiny, I hate your new personality. Being meta is as cool as being words on a page.
  • Coiny: Thanks!
  • Firey: That wasn't a compliment, igmo.
  • Coiny: In your face, I made it one.
  • Announcer: That is the kind of energy I want to see. Coiny and Firey, you two will be the worst enemies ever. None of you will actually have a distinct personality[42], but the fact that you hate each other will pay off on numerous events. Start acting now.
  • Coiny: Firey, you're dumb! [slaps him, but his hand is set on fire]
  • Firey: Haha!
  • Coiny: MY HAND IS ON FIRE!
  • Announcer: Shush. Sheesh. We'll fix that later. Needle and Teardrop. You know what to do now.

[Needle and Teardrop walk up.]

  • Announcer: I have some good news and some bad news: Teardrop, your personality can stay the same.

[Teardrop smiles.]

  • Announcer: That's because you have no personality at all except for the fact that you can't spak.

[Teardrop is angry.]

  • Needle: What about the bad news? Is it about me?
  • Announcer: Yes. In fact, Needy [slap] … what you just did is a good indicator of whom I want you to be. Keep slapping people, and that's what you'll be known for.
  • Needle: Sweet, a role!
  • Bubble: I thought you'd be more moid aboit this.
  • Needle: What's to be mad about? I can slap people who call me Needy! [she slaps herself]
  • Announcer: I forgot to tell you this: Don't talk as much as far as saying Don't call me Needy.
  • Needle: [slaps] Don't call me Needy!
  • Announcer: Ice Cube, I want you to come up.

[She does so.]

  • Ice Cube: Wha?
  • Announcer: You will only be allowed to say a few words. Like right now.
  • Ice Cube: I want revenge!
  • Announcer: That too.
  • Ice Cube: [to Bubble] Can I be part of your alliance?
  • Bubble: Well, oih …
  • Announcer: Bubble, you're up next.
  • Bubble: Yoylecake!
  • Blocky: That's not exciting.
  • Bubble: Noylecake!
  • Coiny: [Aside.] Let the viewers discover that was Bubble's third bad joke since the time I met her.
  • Announcer: Coiny, I've had enough of your meta.
  • Bubble: What about moy?
  • Pencil: Shh, Bubble, it can still be carried out!
  • Announcer: Alright, Bubble. You will play one of Pencil and Match's good friends.
  • Bubble: That's oysome! It's what Oi am right now!
  • Announcer: Yeah yeah, blah blah. Bubble, you are also dumb.
  • Bubble: Dumb, as in can't toilk? Oi thought that was Toirdrop!
  • Announcer: No. Dumb, as in stupid.
  • Blocky: That's awesome! It's what you are right now!
  • Gang of 4: Oooooooooooh!
  • Leafy: I do not like that kind of behaviour.
  • Announcer: And Leafy, this is why you are left.
  • Leafy: I can take anything you throw at me; I promise! I can even be mean!
  • Announcer: You are the best friend of a lot of these people. You give advice, food and necessities to any of the nineteen others before you.
  • Leafy: That sounds a lot like me!
  • Announcer: Oh, it is. But later on, you become controversially nice.
  • Leafy: What's that supposed to mean?
  • Announcer: You become so nice to the point that most people can't stand you for who you are, though your TA[43] will still love you even if you go psycho on the rest of us.
  • Leafy: Please don't have it be now!
  • Announcer: Don't worry. You will be the nice advice Leafy … for now.
  • Pencil: I knew thet friendship can go a long way! Good job, Leafy!
  • Leafy: Thanks!
  • Announcer: And then there are you three.
  • Pen: Is this a movie reference I'm not getting here?
  • Announcer: Please be serious here.
  • Match: Yeah, Pen, like, be serious here. [to Announcer] Wait, why should we be serious?
  • Announcer: I have isolated you final three on purpose.
  • Pencil: Why?
  • Announcer: You three are horrible in your own ways.
  • Flower: No fair, I want to be horrible!
  • Blocky: Same.
  • Announcer: First of all, I hate you, Match, because of your association. If you hated these two, then maybe I would make you a goodness lord like Leafy. But no. You had to acquaint yourself with the scum of the planet.
  • Match: Like, excuse you? Pencil's my best friend in the whole wide universe! If you could find a better, more fashionable, cliquish young woman out there, I'll give you 1% of my [censored][44] money.
  • Pencil: Omg, Match, y'really means'e?
  • Match: Of course!
  • Bubble: SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!
  • Pen: And about my contribution to your life?
  • Match: Hold your metaphorical pants, like, you're just some guy I live with.
  • Gang of 4: Oooooooooooooooooooh!
  • Announcer: If I could find a more ridiculous, un-thought of, sappy speech out there, I'd give you the gift of the Annoying Valley Girl-type personality. Next, I have two beasts to talk to.
  • Pencil: Omg, Pen, 'e called'ee a beast! I'm so on right now.
  • Pen: Yeah, but he did call you a beast as well.
  • Pencil: [Aside.] Does'e show?
  • Announcer: Shush. Sheesh. So do you really want to know why I hate you?
  • Pen: Sure.
  • Announcer: You I hate because you led your army of troops who had committed serious war crimes.
  • Eraser: How serious are we talking here, like, 20, 30 thousand?
  • Announcer: Not just that. He demanded that his troops invade the city of Cascaledo[45] just to build a base.
  • Pencil: Yer troops invaded a city?
  • Pen: First of all, that "city" you speak of had only one inhabitant, and Senhor Paraná was totally okay with it.
  • Blocky: Oh come on, he can't even lead his football team, much less an entire country's military.
  • Pencil: U wot, m8?
  • Announcer: Focus, people. My point is, obviously, I've got to change Pen's personality.
  • Pen: And how will that be achieved here, my dear cuboid?
  • Announcer: For one thing, don't call me your "dear cuboid". I am a speaker box, not one of your Earth species.
  • Pen: Sorry.
  • Announcer: Apology not accepted. From now on, you will return, as one of the cool guys like your brother, to the Gang of 8 …
  • Pencil: O …
  • Announcer: … 100% of the time …
  • Pencil: M …
  • Announcer: … completely isolate yourself from womankind[46]
  • Pencil: G …
  • Announcer: … speak philosophically for no reason[47]
  • Pencil: Q …
  • Announcer: … and cheat in all of your challenges.
  • Pencil: S … wait, 'e does thet all the time.
  • Pen: I'm pretty sure I can do that right now.
  • Announcer: I'd like to see you try.
  • Pen: Okay … sup, bros, I'm Pen without a last name and I'm here to win this thing!
  • Eraser: Yes!
  • Pencil: Please don' be real, please don' be real …
  • Announcer: Pencil, you're last.
  • Coiny: [Aside.] Unsurprisingly.
  • Announcer: You are now of the valley girl type, just like Match.
  • Pencil: Does thet mean I've ter abandon me ol' English ways?
  • Announcer: What did you expect? British people where Match is from? Do you know how many there are there?
  • Pencil: I don' know … er … many?
  • Announcer: Yes, you are like Match, but you have a certain flair to you that your parallel is unable to have.
  • Pencil: Is'e th' ability to fight?
  • Announcer: No. You appear to be nice at the very beginning, but in reality you're a huge jerk.
  • Pencil: Thet's terrible!
  • Announcer: I know, but despite this you are incredibly loyal to your alliance of you, Match and Bubble.
  • Pencil: Aye, loyalty. Now why was'e thet y' 'ated me again?
  • Announcer: Your father is the next Mao Zedong. He led a country that invaded an innocent one, and he came up with that.
  • Pencil: Well I never!
  • Announcer: Say it like yourself.
  • Pencil: Omg, like, well I mus' be never!
  • Announcer: And that's all, because I just realised how dark it is outside.
  • Pen: It isn't easy standing outside in the awkwardness!
  • Eraser: Yaaaaaaaaaaaas …
  • Announcer: Therefore, I am letting you all go, but act as your new personality dictates. Rules will be enforced, and if I catch anyone freethinking, there will be a punishment.

2. BFDI House

Scene: Everyone is trying to act like their new personalities.[48]

  • Blocky: [to the reformed Gang] Hey, losers. I've got a new way to kill someone.
  • Eraser: Let's hear it.
  • Blocky: So you know those Bubble Recovery Centers? Well, I was thinking, we can pour tacks in them, and when Bubble dies she will fall in a continuous loop.[49] What do you think?
  • Flower: I LIKE IT! After all those times Bubble taunted me with her sputidity!
  • Eraser: It's ee-leeeeeec-tric.
  • Snowball: Zounds! I knew not thy Blockyness had soch an intelligent vocabulary.
  • Blocky: Killing people takes lots of kuh-nowledge. Right, Pen?
  • Pen: Well, to be honest, speaking as Frederico Escrivao from Mozambique, I really don't think it's a good idea to harm one of Pencil's friends in that way.

[Beat.]

  • Blocky: ANNOUNCER! ANNOUNCER! ANNOUNCER! ANNOUNCER! ANNOUNCER!
  • Announcer: What is it? I just got back with speaking someone else.
  • Eraser: Who is this someone else?

[Flashback to a few seconds ago.]

    • Announcer: Alright, Pencil, you should not be talking about boys right now, only girls.
    • Pencil: 'Ow'd'ee find out?
    • Match: Like, I had to. I don't want to, like, get in trouble!
    • Bubble: Yoya!
    • Announcer: That's it, Pencil. Into the corner you go.

[He pushes her into one of the corners of the wall. End flashback when he pushes Pen to the same wall.]

  • Pen: Hey.
  • Pencil: Oi.
  • Pen: Do you hate this? I know I hate this, but I really want to know if the feeling is mutual, if you really do hate this.
  • Pencil: I know, meself. I hate this so much. I can't stand me new personality. Since when was I the feminine one?
  • Pen: And I can't stand hanging out with a bunch of object murderers.
  • Pencil: But wors' of all …
  • Pen: … we can't be with each other.
  • Announcer: What's going on here?
  • Pen: We're just telling each other how much we hate each other.
  • Pencil: Aye, I hate'e so much, jus' seein'ee makes me want to faint.
  • Pen: And her face makes all the birds fly away so I don't get distracted dissected by her glamorous Gorgon-ish repulsiveness.
  • Announcer: None of you should be talking to each other in the first place. That's it; I am splitting you up.
  • Pencil: Who says we won' yell at each other from opposite sides o' the room?
  • Announcer: NO, I'm splitting you up as a couple.
  • PenPencil: What?Wot?
  • Announcer: You heard me, I said that I am splitting you up as a couple. And that means no
  • Pen: Oh my G-d, Pencil, you look like you're going to cry.
  • Pencil: I am! Thet's the third time this month I've been separated from'ee an' … it's jus' I wan' a happy an' 'ealthy relationship but I can't do'ee without the hassles of everything!
  • Pen: Come, I think you need a soldier to cry on.
  • Pencil: But I- I believe the expression's "sh–
  • Announcer: Did you not hear me earlier? I was about to explain that there will be no interactions between the two of you.
  • Pencil: M- May we talk?
  • Announcer: No. That will develop.
  • Pen: Are we allowed to communicate telepathically?
  • Announcer: No. And I don't think that's possible on your planet.
  • Pen: It is among bro–
  • Announcer: I don't care. You and you are going to compete separately. I can't have a unit as one right now. Sorry not sorry.
  • Pencil: [sigh] I guess we part our ways …
  • Pen: I will never forg–
  • Announcer: Get out like the rest of the boys to your cabins.
  • Pen: But our cabins are just empty spaces outside!
  • Announcer: Exactly.
  • Pencil: Wot do I do now?
  • Announcer: Instead of having a soldier to cry on, you can have a corner. I am willing to sacrifice one of my plosive consonants[50] for you instead of a real, living (barely) man.
  • Match: [to Announcer] Omg, so, like, we found this bug in our bed, and we were wondering if we could feed it to Flower while she's sleeping.
  • Flower: I heard that! And I'm going to wear my mouth guards because of you!
  • Announcer: Perfect, because I expect all of you to sleep right now.

[That night. Pencil wakes everyone up.]

  • Pencil: [quietly] Rise an' shine, m8's.
  • Leafy: I don't know what time it is, but it's not one to wake a leaf up.
  • Pencil: Sorry fer thet, but I've got a plan!
  • Bubble: [sigh] Oi'll get the butter knoife …
  • Pencil: Not thet of a plan! A plan to get the boys an' girls to start talkin' again!
  • Needle: But the Announcer told us to never act like ourselves again! And I think that includes couples.
  • MatchPencil: It does!
  • Pencil: Wait, you an' Eraser got split up too?
  • Match: Yeah, but, like, we're still allowed to speak to each other.
  • Pencil: Omg, so jealous right now.
  • Pin: I always thought the [censored] ones would get the most restrictions.
  • Bubble: Woit, kinki as in the roigion in soith-central Honshoi in Japan?
  • Pencil: Y'know, we should-a censored thet.
  • Coiny: Yeah, we should.
  • Match: Omg Needle, like, Coiny's in here now?
  • Needle: Nope! He was smuggled here.
  • Coiny: So, what's your plan? You know, the one to get all the boys and girls in talking again?
  • Pencil: I h'ain't really so good a' plannin', Match, you?
  • Match: 'Kay. So, like, first we sneak out of this house, one by one.
  • Bubble: But what if the annoincer catches us? He's oilways on guard.
  • Match: Yeah, but electronics also have to recharge their batteries.
  • Bubble: Huh?
  • Match: They have to sleep.
  • Bubble: Oioioh.
  • Pencil: Then wot do we do?
  • Match: We sneak over to the boys, each of us grabbing one of them, and drag us all across the border, and omg and then we're free!
  • Bubble: What boirder?
  • Match: I think it was either, like, Ethiopia or Estonia.
  • Golf Ball: Ethiopia's a lot closer. But I want to send everyone else to Estonia.
  • Pencil: Wonderful, we get free Wi-Fi![51]
  • Leafy: But are we sure this is going to work?
  • Pencil: I think so.

[Flower jerks herself up.]

  • Flower: Then I get Coiny because he's right here!
  • Needle: Fine, I'll just get someone else later.
  • Match: What do you mean later, I'm, like going out now!
  • Bubble: Soime.

3. Outside the house

Scene: All of the girls sneak out, even Golf Ball (through a lot of pressuring). They see the boys sleeping.

  • Pencil: Omg, me man's sleepin' jus' like a cherub, except, y'know, without the loins …
  • Match: Like, don't be yourself just yet!
  • Golf Ball: And besides, the Announcer can wake up at such sensitivity, so I encourage you to shut up!

[Each girl gets a boy: Bubble gets Woody, Flower Coiny, Golf Ball TB, Ice Cube Rocky, Leafy Firey, Match Eraser, Needle Blocky, Pencil Pen, Pin Snowball and Teardrop gets Spongy.]

  • Needle: I'm not getting Spongy!

[Teardrop tiredly drags Spongy across the ground.]

  • Match: [aside] This is going to work so well!
  • Pencil: But wot 'appens if 'e wakes up?
  • Match: There's always my foreign lullabies!
  • Pencil: Foreign? 's in, wot language?
  • Match: It begins with F and's in Europe, like, I think it's Frenish.
  • Pencil: Y'means French?
  • Golf Ball: Guys, who cares what language it's in, the more we stand around the less of a chance we have of being set free!
  • Pen: [groggily] W- Whatsgoingon?
  • Pencil: [censored], yer awake. Match, start yer lullabee!
  • Match: Okle Dwalun Mana Mip Yerop Wetmwa Tap Lum Pu Rekri Ramo.
  • Leafy: Wow, Match, I never knew you spoke French!
  • Match: I don't. I just, like, learned this from this record that's, like, at least one hundred years old. Apparently it works on bulls, cardiologists and "very irritable persons".
  • Bubble: Koip singing so we can get oit of here!
  • Match: Got it! Mashan Dele Mot Zhaneh Plydafih Uvmata Potpu Lamuda Dyu …

4. Moyale

Scene: They enter Moyale, an Ethiopian border town. Miniya is standing guard for intruders.

  • Match: Oh, like, hey Miniya!
  • Pencil: Y'knows'ee?
  • Match: Yeah, I met her when I escaped the first time!
  • Miniya[52]: You should not have to sleep?
  • Golf Ball: Well, technically we should be asleep at the time, but we're doing something really secret that can't be shared by everyone. And all the boys are asleep thanks to a bull poem.

[Everyone glares at Golf Ball.]

  • Golf Ball: Sorry! It's not like I'm good with people!
  • Miniya: Do not worry. I will not say a living being. Remember, that Ethiopia is the top of your side.
  • Match: Well, we're continuing through the city whether it's liked or not.
  • Leafy: Let's all say the poem together!
  • Pin: How? None of us know it except for Match!
  • Needle: You know how in movies everyone magically learns the lyrics of a song? We should do that!
  • Bubble: Okay!
  • Match: Let's, like, do it then.
  • All girls except Teardrop: Okle Dela Lum Pyero Ghepang Deejaneh Pada Ploom Jazwee Damoli Vashay Lavuazeen Jaquakeliye Kadansaqua Zeem

[Suddenly, Football, who has been in the background this whole time, sees the contestants.]

  • Football: On bat le briquet.
  • Match: Omg, who are you?
  • Football: I was buying things for the Hosts' Accomplices Midnight Dinner, but then I saw you!
  • Miniya: Do you know these people?
  • Football: Yes.
  • Golf Ball: But we don't know who you are.
  • Football: I am Football, the cultured and lesser-known of the members of the Pandilla.
  • Bubble: Huh?
  • Football: You're not supposed to be out here. That's it, I'm taking you all to Sword.
  • Match: Omg, I love Sword! Take me to him now!

[He takes them to Sword, who is sitting in a car on the phone.]

  • Sword: Yes, we should distort my voice into Elvis's. I want to sound as provocative as [censored]. [sees Football] Hold on grandma, I have to talk to my friend. [to Football] What is it?
  • Football: Look what I got!

[He reveals all of the contestants.]

  • Sword: Oh my god … you brought all twenty contestants?
  • Football: Nope, I found them.
  • Sword: That's awesome, but why are the boys dead? You know I have too many romantic partners already! Wait …
  • Match: Omg! [drops Eraser] It's Sword! I can't believe it's you, you're, like, the most beautiful heartthrob on this planet! I love you, I love you, I love you.
  • Sword: What are you doing?
  • Match: Omg, and you're in a car! You know what undertone can be found when a couple's in there alone? [everyone looks at her horrified] Par-che-sye!
  • Leafy: You mean Parcheesi! And besides, you stole that from someone else. Stealing is wrong, Match.[53]
  • Match: Fine. [she gives it back to Man] Take this and get it as far away from me as possible.
  • Football: Yeah yeah, focus, people. Sorry, but I'm going to have to send you back to Marsabit.
  • Sword: No, use more force. Like, everyone, go back to Kenya!
  • Match: Fine …

5. The way back to Kenya

Scene: Everyone is forced to walk back to the national park.

  • Sword: Walk!
  • Football: Jog!
  • Sword: Walk!
  • Football: Jog!
  • Sword: Walk!
  • Football: Jog!
  • Sword: Walk!
  • Football: Jog!
  • Sword: Walk!
  • Football: Jog!
  • Pencil: Y'know, this way seems a lot harder fer some reason. We're walking a' leas' 100 miles an' it feels like a few minutes!
  • Sword: Don't!
  • Football: Talk!
  • Sword: Walk!
  • Football: Jog!
  • Announcer: [noticing] Aha. My crew. Are you ready for the Dinner?
  • Football: We actually found people trying to escape your show!
  • Announcer: [explaining] Sasjodajsdioaioqjwiodwqioqwd.
  • Sword: Joajdoiasjdoqjpwojpozaxjopjcjaosc.
  • Football: Dhasdioahq, sajsaoicj qiqwjuoiaxja HASIDHIODAJDIOASJDIOASJDAOISDJHQOIFHWIOHODJW!
  • Pencil: Wotn'ale's'ee sayin'?
  • Sword: It's an alien language you can't understand. Ha!
  • Announcer: Guys. I am extremely disappointed in you, even though I caught on to what you were doing once someone said "loins". You know you are not supposed to escape. And I don't care if he's unconscious or not, but you should not be holding the guys I specifically advised you to stay away from. In fact, right now you will all undergo punishments so severe that you'll wish to have slept outside.

[Everyone is sleeping outside.]

Notes

  1. Or was it least …
  2. If all fanfictions in oculis meis are considered canon in some way or form de facto as in here, here, here, here and like a hundred more, then this must be the part of the stories where somehow everyone is in school together.
  3. "One day I will make myself significant here!" (Vn.)
  4. A reference to episode 3.
  5. The part that goes down further than the rest.
  6. Anything that was created after my date of birth. XXVIII 0419 (Wait, that's proof of Golf Ball's time travel, but oh well …)
  7. My father's company.
  8. A reference to episode 7.
  9. If an entire team isn't able to flip over the team sign, individual partnerships obviously cannot either.
  10. IV 0606
  11. He really does.
  12. From Aunt Achaia a big book.
  13. I re-read this and knew it would fail.
  14. Added by Bfdifan444.
  15. Basically, a summary montage of the contests this time.
  16. A reference to episode 2.
  17. A reference to episode 1.
  18. A reference to episode 13.
  19. A reference to episode 2.
  20. A reference to episode 5.
  21. A reference to episode 6.
  22. A reference to episodes 4 and 15.
  23. For my kids.
  24. A reference to episode 6.
  25. A reference to episode 10.
  26. A reference to episode 19.
  27. Not as bad as the actual swear in a Victorian sense.
  28. BFBS isn't a thing … yet.
  29. "The capital of Mars is not on Jupiter. Now, help me into the house, I am tired." (Jp.)
  30. This is most unusual in the East African Rift; tornadoes are most thought of as being in the United States.
  31. My colleagues at the Americo-Kenyan Scientific Sisterhood about this!
  32. A shout out to … I forgot who.
  33. Let's not forget that Needle had a friend, Slovakia, during the BFDI choosing ceremony exactly a week before present.
  34. Yes, just like Demi Lovato. In Greek it's Δημήτρια.
  35. This is actually based off a song I wrote a long time ago. As in, last summer.
  36. "Language" (Sp.)
  37. And thus begins the Leafy–Match rivalry found in fan fictions.
  38. My father's money.
  39. My father wants …
  40. Basically this explains all of the character changes.
  41. "I am sure nobody cares what I am!" (Vn.)
  42. Shoutout to Firey and Coiny on the show!
  43. Will be mentioned later.
  44. 1% of my father's money.
  45. Cascaledo isn't a real city. But Cascavel and Toledo are.
  46. It's true; when have you actually seen Pen talk to a girl like it's his job?
  47. V omnes
  48. It seems impossible to write a BFDI story based off their show personalities.
  49. II 0649~0710
  50. XXV omnes
  51. Estonia is known in Europe for its technology.
  52. Meaning "I have much expected of her."
  53. The irony.
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