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This is where episodes 17, 18 and 19 of the Before BFDI series is. This also (spoiler alert) may be one of the most emotionally compelling weeks of the series so far.

Before BFDI, a series by Yterbium1
Plot Synopsis (read this first!)
December 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 89 • 10 • 11 • 1213 • 14 • 15 • 1617 • 18 • 1920 • 21 • 22 • 23 • 2425 • 2627 • 28 • 2930 • 31January 1 and after
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1 Red ones are coming sooner or later to a website near you. Most likely later.

Monday, December 17

1. Main hallway[1]

Scene: Firey and Coiny are having a verbal battle as their lovers are watching.

  • Leafy: Aaaaaaaaaaand start!
  • Firey: Got it … your mom is so fat when she goes into a packed cinema she becomes the only one there!
  • Coiny: Well, your mum is so old she has no more Carbon 14 left!
  • Firey: Your mom is so dumb she didn't teach you how to say "your mom" correctly!
  • Needle: Time-out!
  • FireyCoiny: What is it now?
  • Needle: According to the rules of a Tuamater—
  • Firey: Tuawhat?
  • Needle: Apparently it's the formal name for a yo-mama-off. Anyways, you can't use personal insults, only those directed at one's mother.
  • Leafy: Yeah, and that wasn't nice! How would you like it if I insulted your mother?
  • Firey: That's the point of it all.
  • Leafy: Teamwork, Needy! [expects a hi-5, but gets slapped]
  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!

[Liquid naturally comes from Leafy's mouth elsewhere.]

2. Minor hallway

Scene: The saliva goes to another person.

  • Smallpox Vaccine: [admiring herself in the mirror] Oh, how wonderful! I see no dewdrops on my face or any— OH MY GOSH, WHAT IS IT?
  • Bubonic Virus: This is similar to the saliva.
  • Smallpox Vaccine: I think you're understimating. You're a dangerous disease, so you're serious about it all.
  • Bubonic Virus: No, I am completely honest, I think! I do not think of my danger.
  • Smallpox Vaccine: No, you're basically a disease so dangerous I'm surprised they hadn't suspended you from existence in 1350.
  • Bubonic Virus: [smugly] In fact, were killed and at least half of the population of Europe.
  • Smallpox Vaccine: Hold on, BubVi, I think there's something in the background. [the camera focuses behind her] No, no! Please capture my essential beauty!
  • Cameraman: No can do! Your suitor lies after you. And I can't capture what doesn't exist!
  • Smallpox: [chasing Man] I'm going to infect you!
  • Man: Please don't! And I'm not going to say something about having a wife or kids, because I'm just a minor character who is used spontaneously to prove a point!
  • Smallpox Vaccine: Hold!
  • Smallpox: SV, you're beautiful. Let's make babies—
  • Smallpox Vaccine: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, that's not what I meant.

3. Before Period 1

Scene: Mr. Cove's classroom, before first period. Ruby is the only one in this class.[2] Camera then goes around the school, exploring many classes.

  • Pencil: Well, where's Ruby anyway?
  • Book: I know that she was going somewhere. Probably Ofisi Kuu.[3] But what do you speculate?
  • Pencil: I hain' know, but she says yer lucky.[4]

[The first bell rings. Enter Ms. Sybilla.]

  • Ms. Sybilla: Okay, class. Announcements for the day!
  • Golf Ball: Good morning, class, and have a healthy and happy Monday! [everyone groans; Aside.] I can't believe I'm being paid to pretend to be happy …
  • Voice: Shh, still on!
  • Golf Ball: Oh! Right, today is Monday, the seventeenth of December in 2007, or the eighth of Ta-veeth[5] in the year 5768 on the Hebrew calendar, or the seventh of Th- thwalllhye-je-je-je-jarjar-haha[6] … [Aside.] Sorry, I'm just American. [Aloud.] In the year 1428 AH on the Islamic calendar. The BFDI temperature of the day is 12º Centigrade, though I prefer it as 285º Kelvin. Shall we move on? Yes, we can! And that was your headmistress Ball with your daily announcements.[7]

[General chatter.]

4. Mr. Cove's classroom

Scene: End of class, a few hours later.

  • Mr. Cove: Alright, get out early, everyone!
  • Lake Chad: [about to exit] Yeah, and she said that she wanted to be a unicornithorynchal colonoscopist.
  • Aral Sea: Oh my gosh, that's my grandmother's name! Except I have no idea what it means.
  • Lake Chad: It means checking unicorns' and platypodes'— يا إلهي![8], you're shrinking faster than usual![9]
  • Aral Sea: It's totally fine; everyone in me has been dead.
  • Lake Chad: Okay, then … ?
  • Aral Sea: Say, want to eat at Uzabekesana tonight?
  • Lake Chad: Sure thing, if it weren't for the horrendous spelling![10]
  • Aral Sea: Out of all people, I never knew you would be the one most offended![11]

[Exeunt omnes, manet de Pen.]

  • Mr. Cove: Schreiber.
  • Pen: I beg your pardon?
  • Mr. Cove: Did you know that your last name rhymes with Bieber?
  • Pen: I think so, but only when my girlfriend says it. Now, I have to go—
  • Mr. Cove: Stay! Please remember that I am lonely inside, as I have nobody to dine with.
  • Pen: If you want me to eat lunch with you, I have to go prepare for football practice, so I can't; maybe you should ask—
  • Mr. Cove: No! I was lying about that the entire time about being lonely, I swear on my decaplets.[12] But the main subject is this: Early this class today, I overheard you and another student talking about the conscription law that Colonel Triángolo passed on Saturday. I'm here for you if you ever need me … not that you will! [does that annoying nasally laugh he always does]
  • Pen: Well, it is a great honour to be a member of a writers'—
  • Mr. Cove: You're not going to be a writer.
  • Pen: What?
  • Mr. Cove: Conscription does not mean to become a writer, and I expected you, who has the highest marks in this history class, to know that.
  • Pen: So … it means to become an author?
  • Mr. Cove: No! Are you a Canadian?
  • Pen: I'd be a hoser if I weren't, eh?
  • Mr. Cove: You probably haven't heard of this before, but have you heard of a call-up?
  • Pen: No.
  • Mr. Cove: Maybe you have heard of the draft.
  • Pen: Of course, it's when an author writes his or her first work and it—
  • Mr. Cove: No, not that draft! The kind of draft I mean is the compulsory mi[13]— [the bell rings]
  • Pen: The bell just rung! Don't want to be late for Swahili class!

5. Ms. Maji's room

Scene: Pen arrives at the class of Ms. Maji, the Swahili 3 professor. Surprisingly, everyone is there.

  • Ms. Maji: Aha! Pen, you are late. Please go to your seat and listen to my teaching.
  • Pen: But … I … How am I late?
  • Pencil: [calling out from the back] The bell rang thirty years ago, m8!
  • Ms. Maji: Sit down, now! [he goes as the students laugh]
  • Pen: [Aside to Pencil.] I just don't get it! Why would they be laughing at the most popular guy at the school?[14]
  • Pencil: 'Cause I am, y'ain't.
  • Ms. Maji: In the back there, do not resist me! Now, I will give instructions to your next project. You will design language that is the basis of Kiswahili along with any modifications that you choose …

[Everyone starts talking]

  • Pen: So, what we have to do is make some variation of the Swahili language, eh?
  • Pencil: I know, an' group projects are so romantic!
  • Pen: Yeah …
  • Pencil: We're not makin' a varian' 'ere.
  • Pen: What?
  • Pencil: Well, y'see …

[Indicates around the room]

  • Balloony: I say that our Swahili should have wheels!
  • Johnstone: Yes, and don't forget the 30 ounce marmalade vindaloo triple double quadruple BARACK-OBAMA engine with an antiseptic unobtainium!
  • Balloony: Sure, let's just get the 30 pound magdalene—
  • Johnstone: NO! That was so inaccurate that whenever you measure the size of a centimetre it always ends up off by 99%! It's 30 ounce marmalade vindaloo triple double quadruple BARACK-OBAMA engine with an antiseptic unobtainium.
  • Balloony: Whatever! [sighs] Why do I have to deal with you?
  • Johnstone: As we want our Swahili to be the best in the class, better than all these noobs over yonder, I suggest that we go this way.
  • Pen: Hey, it sounded like they were building a car!
  • Pencil: They are buildin' a car.
  • Pen: I thought we were changing Swahili, eh, listen!
  • Scholastica: Okay, so how do we want our Swahili?
  • Quitrio: [talking to another group] No way!
  • Rosagdalio: [from afar] She said that I could give her 900 shillings!
  • Quitrio: It's true! Maybe you should go to Haroldines' at lunch today!
  • Rosagdalio: No way, man! I'm starving!
  • Scholastica: HEY! Can we at least work?
  • Quitrio: [talking to himself] ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ …
  • Scholastica: Hey, I have an idea for our Swahili!
  • Quitrio: Go ahead, work on it yourself.
  • Scholastica: No, you have to speak it with me!
  • Quitrio: What?
  • Scholastica: We're in a group; Maji wants our 100% coöperation. What did you expect? A bunch of fairies come down from the sky and break our roof?

[A bunch of fairies come down from the sky and break the roof.]

  • Fairies: ♫ We are dainty little fairies, ever singing ever dancing! ♫[15]
  • Scholastica: I regret everything I have said.
  • Quitrio: For the sake of solar prominences, just work!
  • Scholastica: If you say so! Now, I want a Swahili that's simple, and easy for all people. Even the mute ones like Teardrop! You think you can handle it?
  • Quitrio: Mimi si kushindwa darasa hili kwa lolote![16]
  • Scholastica: In our new Swahili, or Newhili, as I say, there will be … no categorising, no plurals, no prefixes, no affixes, no medifixes, no adjectives, no nouns, no verbs, no letters, no vowels, no consonants and no words! Here. I'll start. [says nothing[17][18]]
  • Pencil: [in "real life"] Snap out of it!
  • Pen: Stop telling me what to do!
  • Pencil: [angrily] U wot m8? [The fire in her eyes burns a nearby chair.]
  • Pen: Okay, I surrender my battleaxe of a mouth to you, dear.[19] Shall an embaisment help?
  • Pencil: Always. [they kiss]
  • Pen: So, can we work on our Swahili now?
  • Pencil: I thought we're workin' on a car! Or a' leas' it's wot the prof instructed us to do, 'nless y'wants to do'e another way …
  • Pen: But … [the classroom starts to transform] What about Scholastica? Or the other guy? Or those daintly little fairies!
  • Pencil: Oh, those ne'er existed. 'Nless y'counts us las' year! The girls an' I rocked thet invocation!
  • Pen: No wonder I keep hearing Iolanthe all the time; the K's where it's at, you know!
  • Pencil: Jus' settle down an' be with me fore'er.
  • Pen: W … what's happening to the classroom?
  • Pencil: 'Tis changin', Pen! An' besides, I was ne'er in yer Swahili class!

[The students too transform into students of another class.]

  • Pen: You were never in my class? So you're in the native speakers' program?
  • Pencil: Sort of.
  • Pen: Then why did all this time I imagined you in Swahili 3?
  • Pencil: 'Cause yer in loooooooove!
  • Pen: Hey, that tone of voice is copyrighted by Match! Now you have to pay royalties to her!

[Pencil is Match now.]

  • Match: Like, why would I pay royalties to myself? I consider myself royal enough!
  • Pen: [horrified] Okay, kiburizoid[20], but how long have you been here?
  • Match: Omg, Pen, we've been over this! Do I have to make it more awkward? [sighs] So in early 1990 I was sent out of the doors of the birth department—
  • Pen: Not that why, but how long've you been standing here?
  • Match: Oh! Since the period began.
  • Pen: Which issss … ?
  • Match: Thirty minutes. That left me, like, a lot of time to witness you embarrass yourself self-flirting and imagining Pencil was there.
  • Pen: Wait wait wait, so does that mean I kissed you? [starts rubbing mouth on the floor] I'd rather kiss this dirty … floor … than you …
  • Match: No, don't be the naïve boy you've been for the past, like, eighteen years! You were kissing the other way, and I would know because … [vainly] While I, like, want to be known as the girl who has romantic relations with her brother, I certainly do not want to be the one with you! That is totes ridicule.
  • Pen: Good, because I'd rather be seen kissing air—
  • Salt: Oh, you weren't kissing air, you were kissing Spongy!
  • Pen: [realising] I was kissing Spongy? [starts kissing the floor again, then faints]
  • Match: Omg, good job, Salt!
  • Salt: Manipulation is what I do best!

6. Nurse's Office

Scene: Pen wakes up on a bench at the nurse's office.

  • Pen: [with slurred words] Huh? Where~am~I?
  • Xanh Pin: Tôi muốn tôi có thể hiểu bạn, nhưng tôi không thể![21]
  • Pen: Oh! I remember you from the party! You are my girlfriend's brother's friend's friend from the Vietnamese summer camp program! Ten years old, eh?
  • Xanh Pin: Chỉ cần đóng lên vì vậy tôi có thể hoạt động bạn![22]
  • Pen: Is it okay if you can fix me before 1:45 today, because that's my football practice? The team really desparately needs the star quarterback I perfectly fit the description of.
  • Xanh Pin: Ugh, bạn, bệnh nhân, nhàm chán[23] và không hợp tác! Tôi sẽ gọi cha mẹ của bạn.[24] [She does so in the background.]
  • Pen: [Aside.] I'm starting to wonder why they don't check the credentials of ten-year-olds before operating at the place where students get checked up, but I'm too tired to file a complaint.
  • Xanh Pin: Và bạn có biết rằng thủ đô của Nhật Bản là Đông Kinh? Bởi vì tôi thật sự không có ý tưởng you will be home in fourteen seconds em gái tôi là như vậy kiêu ngạo vì cô ấy nghĩ rằng kể từ khi cô ấy nói tiếng Anh rất nhiều cô là tốt hơn nhiều so với chúng ta. Tôi cũng nói với cô ấy[25][26]
  • Pen: What? Who knew she spoke English?

[Suddenly he is transported to several locations, including Ms. Maji's room, the school swimming pool, Mrs. Chembe's, Mr. Cove's, Ms. Inakamono's, outer space, Mr. Ololufenioṣukinni's, spaghetti, etc. until he arrives home.]

7. Home

Scene: Pen magically teleports to the empty house, where it is still schooltime hours. Katarzyna is tidying the home with a mop.

  • Katarzyna: Hey, Pen! Home early? I'll make your lunch—
  • Pen: Wha … no … but …
  • Katarzyna: [voice turning into Triangle's] Why are you here when you should be in school? You deserve a punishment so severe it makes expulsion seem like being grounded for three seconds! Now watch as your father-in-law will force you into the mil—
  • Pen: [who is about to have been[27] running to school during this] What was that?
  • Katarzyna: [about to throw the mop] I'll make you recruit in the mili—
  • Pen: Millicent? Millipede? Because I actually have a fear of millipedes, despite my intimidating, manly façade! [growls at the camera]
  • Katarzyna: We did not have to hear that!
  • Pen: I mean, nobody can tell how many legs they have … or should have. Is it a thousand?[28]
  • Katarzyna: No, it's a hundred!
  • Pen: With my knowledge of Greek, it's most definitely a thousand!
  • Katarzyna: It's from Latin[29], and it's a hundred!
  • Pen: Why am I arguing with my mother, it's a thousand!
  • Katarzyna: Hundred!
  • Pen: Thousand!

8. Detention classroom

Scene: Pen wakes up.

  • Tennis Ball: Hundred!
  • Golf Ball: Thousand!
  • Tennis Ball: Hundred!
  • Golf Ball: The boy must go, and it's a thousand!
  • Tennis Ball: Nothing went wrong, hundred!
  • Golf Ball: I'm angry, so thousand!
  • Pen: Guys, what are you arguing on, and if it is, does it pertain to me?
  • Golf Ball: We're arguing on how many years you must be in detention.
  • Pen: Detention? Ah, I haven't been there in more than two weeks!
  • Tennis Ball: Well, you're not supposed to sleep before practice, so you must run the thousand laps around the school!
  • Pen: Thousand laps? That would be like running from Toronto to Anchorage, it's unethical and impossible … but not for me! This runner can do anything!
  • Tennis Ball: Can you speak American, your Canadianisms are ruining my day. And it's gone terrible!
  • Golf Ball: You slave, Alaska is American!
  • Tennis Ball: I knew that … but does the monkey eat from the same tree as the giraf— slave?
  • Golf Ball: I mean … lovely … dear … husband! And Taiwan is a country, it's just not recognised by the United Nations of Sovereign States of Territories!
  • Tennis Ball: I agree, but China also claims it, so wouldn't it make …
  • Pen: [about to sneak out] Maybe if I can get out I'll get away from these weird elderlies.

9. Football field

Scene: Miraculously, the scene of the detention centre changes to the football field.

  • Pen: What the? When did I start going outside?
  • Scissor[30]: [who is using Katarzyna's same mop] Hey, Pen! You're early. In fact, you're the foist one here!
  • Pen: So apparently I am!
  • Scissor: Do you've any idea what time it is?
  • Pen: No.
  • Scissor: IT'S 2:59! School doesn't end in thoity-one minutes, but practice doesn't start 'till one.
  • Pen: Relative to now, when does school actually …

10. Pencil's house

Scene: The chairs are arranged in a circular direction around the living.

  • Aristotelis: … end?
  • Estigua: No, silly, the world won't end due to this meeting. In fact, I'm very well aware what this is and I'm rather excited!
  • Katarzyna: Excited for what?
  • Triangle: We will have to tell our our oldest daughter the truth, whether she likes it or not. There is no conscription for Pen in the sense that he will become a writer, but instead a soldier of Goiky's best armies.
  • Estigua: I think I see her at the door!
  • Triangle: In position, everyone!

[Everyone gets into the orchestra position, Katarzyna on flute, Aristotelis on cello and Estigua on triangle.[31] Only Triangle himself is truly prepared for it.]

  • Triangle: Not that position!

[They are now in the correct position.]

  • Triangle: Just remember the morale of it all. As we want Pen to be prepared to be mobilised, we have to remember that we are taking a boy and changing him into a man!
  • Katarzyna: Or taking a tenor and changing him into a baritone!
  • Triangle: Sort of …
  • Aristotelis: Or taking a scholar and changing him for a corporate job!
  • Triangle: I think you've …
  • Voice: OR TAKING A RHINOCEROS AND CHANGING HER INTO A SPINY—

[Enter Pencil.]

  • Voice: [continuing] LUMPSUCKER!
  • Pencil: [on the phone with Match] An' I was like, "Y'shan've done'e", an' 'e was like, "I can't understand you, you're 2english4me", as I quote usin' th' same punctuation in 'is 'ead, an' … [sees the gathering of adults] Omg, wot're'ee doin' 'ere? [pause] No, Match, there's, like, a circle of our parents in our livin' room. [pause] Aye, exec'ly wot they show in the films!
  • Estigua: Yeah, shouldn't you be at practice?
  • Pencil: Don' worry, I told Match to cover fer me. I's "vomitin'".
  • Triangle: Just sit down!
  • Estigua: Come here, we have prepared a seat just for our favourite daughter!
  • Pencil: [Aside.] Whene'er they say "our favourite daughter", I bet somethin's up.
  • Estigua: No, really, sit down.
  • Pencil: I can't.
  • Katarzyna: Why ever not, dear?
  • Pencil: There's five seats, all taken. Like, one fer dad, one fer mum, one fer Kat, one fer Ari an' one fer thet 'obo over yo'r.
  • Hobo[32]: I HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW!
  • Triangle: You may stand up; your legs need exercise and that time needs no waste!
  • Pencil: So why are we 'ere? Is this, like, one o' these weird knittin' circles thet I'm bein' forced to join?
  • Triangle: Nope, even worse! Or better, depending on your mood.
  • Pencil: Bad an' gettin' worse.
  • Triangle: I was told by my dears Aristotelis and Katarzyna that their son was about to be in detention …
  • Pencil: Aye, Eraser does get'n detention a lot.
  • Triangle: Not him …
  • Pencil: Wot? 'E can't be there! Please tell me 'e's tryin' to sneak out!
  • Triangle: You are right.
  • Aristotelis: And you win a million shillings!

[Awkward silence.]

  • Aristotelis: I'll stop now.
  • Triangle: Please do.
  • Pencil: Well, at leas' I got the truth.
  • Estigua: SEE, I TOLD YOU! THAT BOY'S GOT NO PROBLEMS! HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO GO TO DETENTION MUCH LESS SERVE ON THE BATTLEFIELD! [sees Pencil, confused] … of love.
  • Katarzyna: But Estigua, he deserved it. Since he was about to be in the m—
  • Triangle: I DON'T CARE! THE DETENTION WAS ARRANGED BY YOU, AND IF YOU SPOIL THE SECRET, I'LL TELL THE HEADMISTRESS THAT IT WAS A MISTAKE OR YOU'LL BE SENT TO NEARLY-ETERNAL PRESS-UPS FOR ONE THOUSAND MILLENNIA!
  • Pencil: [even more confused] Will someone please tell me wot's really goin' on? But don' make the "truth" sound like it's from a Goanimate video excep' fer the groundin' is "nearly-eternal press-ups". An' wot secret is this?
  • Triangle: You probably do know the reason why Pen's in detention.
  • Pencil: Well, 'e has been actin' strangely ever since'ee told'e he would t' become a writer!
  • Triangle: That's the thing, I mean—
  • Pencil: Besides, there's no reason to think thet Pen's another place other than detention! In fact, I sense 'e's on the football field, already runnin' 'is 831st lap 'roun' school.

[Flash to the school, where Pen is running his 831st lap around the school.]

  • Football players: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Pencil's house again.]

  • Triangle: PEN'S NOT GOING TO BE A WRITER!
  • Pencil: Aye, I jus' knew 'e'd be an author!
  • Triangle: Not that, I mean he's going to be a soldier.
  • Pencil: [looks at Estigua] Of love?
  • Estigua: No, dear, a soldier in the Kenyan Army, just like your father was!
  • Pencil: But … but … [to Aristotelis and Katarzyna] Why ain't they cryin'?
  • Aristotelis: We've wasted our tears hours ago.
  • Pencil: So it's true! Me love fer two years will be gone, an' forever?
  • Triangle: [nonchalantly] Well, not forever, statistically speaking, the First World War was 48 months long, the Second 72 months, the Cold War about 531 months and as wars around the world are highly unpredictable, he'll probably be away for … infinity, you're right …
  • Pencil: [in tears] Thet's not even mathematically accurate! [falls on Estigua's leg crying]
  • Triangle: But it is the definition of conscription.
  • Katarzyna: Yeah, I'm still surprised Book hadn't told her the actual meaning!
  • Pencil: She di'n't!
  • Estigua: Oh great, the other ones are here! Everyone stay with one-word sentences for now!

[Enter Match and Pen.]

  • Match: Okay, so, like, I asked Ruby about these "knitting circles" that you were, like, forced into, so she explained it all and it's for old peo— [sees all the parents]
  • Pen: What happened to Pencil?
  • Estigua: Never.
  • Aristotelis: Eat.
  • Katarzyna: Those.
  • Triangle: Greetings!
  • Estigua: My.
  • Aristotelis: Daughter.
  • Katarzyna: And.
  • Triangle: Her.
  • Estigua: Brother!
  • Aristotelis: Have.
  • Katarzyna: You.
  • Triangle: Not.
  • Estigua: Eaten.
  • Aristotelis: Board-games? [looks under the table]
  • Katarzyna: Should.
  • Triangle: We.
  • Estigua: Say.
  • Aristotelis: Coffee.
  • Katarzyna: Because.
  • Triangle: Earth.
  • Estigua: Is.
  • Aristotelis: Stupid.
  • Match: Like, what happened to Pencil? Did she die or something?
  • Katarzyna: Pencil.
  • Triangle: Is.
  • Estigua: Sick.
  • Aristotelis: After.
  • Katarzyna: When.
  • Triangle: Coach.
  • Estigua: Was.
  • Aristotelis: Drunk.
  • Katarzyna: About.
  • Triangle: Pencil.
  • Estigua: He.
  • Aristotelis: Vomited.
  • Katarzyna: Out.
  • Triangle: Literally!
  • Hobo: I have a magic finger. I fancy your needs if you want to see it?
  • Match: Like, no!
  • Pen: No, thank you, sir, and [enters the kitchen] Why is there a hobo in this house?
  • Match: IDK, like, maybe he caused Pencil's disease!

[That night, they are still talking, taking turns in dialogue.]

  • Triangle: I.
  • Estigua: Like.
  • Aristotelis: Soup.
  • Katarzyna: Every.
  • Triangle: Monday.
  • Estigua: And.
  • Aristotelis: Mustard.

[Awkward silence.]

  • Estigua: Can we give up now?

[Everyone agrees.]

Tuesday, December 18

1. School

Scene: Before the start of school. Apparently the whole alliance (except for Pen) has found out about the news.

  • Ruby: No way!
  • Bubble: Oi had no idoia Pen would soirve our cointry!
  • Match: I'm slightly overjoyed … [everyone but Book glares at her] … but also let down. Do you have any words, Book?
  • Book: I have no comment. [She runs off in a different direction.]
  • Match: I can't, like, believe she never told us what conscription was.
  • Pencil: It's 'orrible! An' all this pressure's makin' me wan' to hurt someone!
  • Ruby: Don't punch me, my Mohs hardness is 9!
  • Pencil: Don' worry, everyone. I won't punch you fer bein' in th' exact same situation.
  • Bubble: What do you moin?
  • Pencil: Y'all 'ave boyfriends in this grade 'o'll fight 'longside with Pen, eh?
  • Ruby: Johnstone will not fight in the war!
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Ruby: Sure his birthday may be on the first of July in 1989, but he just can't! It's against his moral standards to fight in the real universe of three dimensions.
  • Pencil: So yer sayin' Pen's a chance?
  • Match: And what is the nonsense you're talking about?
  • Ruby: I mean, Johnstone's a conscientious objector!
  • Match: Like, he's a conjectious obscientor? I'm, like, a Sagittarius!
  • Ruby: Oh my Al2O3, you all haven't come from a war-faring culture like me![33]

[Meanwhile, the Headmistress is walking.]

SONG: Golf Ball

♫ Making fun of
Stupid students
Having enough
Intelligence makes me
More superior than the rest!
Just wait till their
Futures crumble
Crumble just like scrambled eggs
Crumble just like feta cheese
Crumble all the way to the ground!

[She then gets shoved into the ledge by Pencil.]

  • Pencil: I CAN'T STAND'E ANYMORE! YER THE WORS' PERSON IN TH' 'ISTORY O' THIS PLANET AN' I CAN'T TOLERATE YER 'ORRIBLE FACE NO LONGER!
  • Match: Yeah, and you're probably so, like, nerdy I'll compare you to my brother!
  • Ruby: And you're so selfish about everything! Just look at the disgust I get from seeing you!
  • Bubble: Insoirt random insult hoire!
  • Golf Ball: Before I force the ringleader of this bumperfest to get off of me, what is your lowest grade?
  • Pencil: An 87 in AP Swahili, why?
  • Golf Ball: HA! [tries to get out] You're … stupid! I … knew … that you can't … get into … a good … university … or any … thing! … Ha! I'm laughing … so hard, this pain is … so … bearable!
  • Pencil: It ain't workin', m8!
  • Golf Ball: Wait! I recognise that voice anywhere …[34]

2. Near the School's Car Park

Scene: After the alliance has run away from the scene.

  • Bubble: What the hoick, Pencil! That wasn't noice!
  • Pencil: I'm sorry, but, like, sometimes, when I feel like th' people I love're in danger, I rage 'orribly![35] An' besides, I've no moral standards 'alf th' time I'm 'ere.
  • Ruby: You'll be a perfect grandmother!
  • Pencil: Why thanks'ee … if Pen comes back from the war by then! [cries]
  • Match: There, there.

3. Ledge

Scene: A stately Golf Ball is about to return to her office. [Enter Book.]

  • Book: Greetings, Headmistress!
  • Golf Ball: [very annoyed] What?
  • Book: Uh-oh! Someone looks really unenthusiastic today!
  • Golf Ball: I got attacked … by monstresses!
  • Book: Oh! Who were they?
  • Golf Ball: One of them had a really strong English accent; I think she was the one who attacked me!
  • Book: Oh … Well, I do not see any English girls around here! I do not think that it is Pencil either; she is Kenyan.
  • Golf Ball: YOU KNOW WHO IT WAS?
  • Book: [making up names] According to my "database", I think that the suspects are Zugmildra, Questrindo, Noksputana and Jondara Plazinka.
  • Golf Ball: [immediately becomes happy] Thank you, kind madam!

[Exit Golf Ball.]

  • Book: Weird.

[She walks over to the alliance.]

4. Car park

Scene: The alliance is half-hiding from Golf Ball who they think will punish them. They do vocal exercises in advance.

  • Bubble: What.
  • Match: Is.
  • Ruby: Sauce?
  • Book: Will you all just shut up?
  • Bubble: Oh my goish, Buick, you're even oingrier than Pencil!
  • Book: I AM! I had to protect you all from Headmistress Golf Ball, and that is because you brutally attacked her!
  • Ruby: But it's not our fault we hate her!
  • Pencil: Ruby, we don' 'ate 'er.
  • Ruby: Aww, we don't?
  • Pencil: O' course not! I jus' 'ad to fin' someone to be angry at, an' th' 'eadmistress was th' bes' choice! I, in fact, love our 'eadmiss with a surpassin' love.
  • Bubble: Roilly?
  • Pencil: No!
  • Book: It does not matter whether you like her or not, it is still illegal to attack the queen of our school!
  • Ruby: Why?
  • Book: The lèse-majesté[36] of this school is unneccessarily strict.
  • Match: Omg!
  • Bubble: Whoit?
  • Match: So you know, like, when GB said "bumperfest"?
  • Pencil: Aye … ?
  • Match: It, like, made me think. Since we need an arcnium for our alliance, we can, like, use BUMPERFEST!
  • Bubble: I loike where this is going!
  • Match: B for Book, U for Bubble, M for me, Pe for either Pen or Pencil and R for Ruby!
  • Ruby: What about the fest?
  • Match: Those can be, like, for new alliance members when Pen's gone!
  • Pencil: Agh, don' remind me!
  • Book: That is enough! I do not want to hear about alliance names or sauce or lèse-majesté; I just want you all to know that you will get expelled for what you have done!
  • Rest of the alliance: Expelled?
  • Pencil: Wait, y' actually told on us?
  • Book: No, I had to make up random Eastern European names on the spot to convince Golf Ball to hate BFDI, and since there really are no people with this name she will come for you all for having the most idiosyncratic—
  • Match: Like what?
  • Book: Oh, you know the usual. Zugmildra, Questrindo, Noksputana and Jondara Plazinka! And I really doubt there is anybody at this school with those na—

5. Ledge

Scene: Golf Ball is seen scolding some students.

  • Golf Ball: And if you ever do something like that again, I will make sure the authorities never make you come back AGAIN!

[Book and the alliance look from the wall comme ça.]

  • Golf Ball: Salutations, Book and friends. We have searched for the delinquents that attacked me, and here they are. Meet Zugmildra, Questrindo, Noksputana and Jondara Plazinka. [Book's mouth is agape, whilst the others' are with I-told-you-so]
  • Book: They are real— I mean, they are who?
  • Golf Ball: They are the Belarusian exchange students!
  • Pencil: There's Belarusian exchange students?
  • Match: There's exchange students?
  • BubbleRuby: There's a Belarois?There's students?
  • Book: Well, of course there's a Belarus! It's next to the Angilian Peninsula on the planet Zengsclavat!
  • Noksputana: I think of this goirl simuloition of our cointry very offensive.
  • Golf Ball: Yes, and their names are Zugmildra, Questrindo, Noksputana and Jondara Plazinka.
  • Zugmildra: Yer mistaken, me deares' director. Fer our names ectually Зугмілдра, Кўестріндо, Нокспутана an' Ёндара Плазінка.
  • Golf Ball: Enough of this nonsense! You are all freed ladies.
  • Jondara Plazinka: I think the of it pretty swell for us to be released, do not you think?
  • Match: Released? But they, like, attacked you!
  • Book: [Aside to Match.] Shh! She think the of it pretty swell for them to be released, do not you think?
  • Golf Ball: Yes, and under the new BFDI laws, professors in education may be as corrupt as possible! Now get out of my sight, your happiness is blinding me.

[Exit Golf Ball and Belarusian exchange students.]

  • Questrindo: [walking] Божа мой[37], do you know, how, the definition of, how, Spongy?
  • Golf Ball: Trust me, Questrindo, you do not want to know …

6. Home

Scene: Pencil and the alliance are home from school.

  • Match: But I can't, like, believe that we got away with it!
  • Book: You all are extremely lucky this time. Otherwise you would be expelled.
  • Pencil: [dreamily] If I were expelled, I'd get out o' everythin' an' serve th' army with Pen. [sighs] But it ain't possible now thet there's Zugmildra.
  • Match: And Questrindo.
  • Bubble: And Noksputoina!
  • Ruby: And Jondara Plazinka.
  • Book: To think that the government of BFDI was behind all of this … this … this INJUSTICE!
  • Ruby: Pencil, why isn't your father controlling BFDI?
  • Triangle: [from the kitchen] Because he's trying his hardest to get more people to war!
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Triangle: As soon as possible, the draftees will be gone!
  • Match: Which is …
  • Triangle: Everyone older than Pen.
  • Pencil: An' when is as soon as possible?
  • Triangle: Tomorrow morning.

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Pencil: T- t- tomorrow mornin's when I see Pen fer the las' time ever?
  • Triangle: I am not afraid to say so.
  • Book: [Aside.] In five, four, three, two—

[Pencil runs up to her room crying.]

  • Match: Pencil! [runs up]
  • Bubble: OMBB! [runs with her]
  • Ruby: This house needs better food. [runs upstairs]
  • Book: I am in an alliance! We have to stick toge— [sees the TV] Never mind. [reclines on the couch]

7. Pencil's room

Scene: Pencil is crying with the alliance next to her.

  • Pencil: I jus' can't believe 'e's goin' forever!
  • Ruby: Forever is subjective. Try to think of it as eternity or always.
  • Pencil: Thet di'n't 'elp wotsoe'er!
  • Match: Well, like, do you know what I always do when I miss my brother?
  • Pencil: No, wot?
  • Match: Nothing! Since when would I miss anyone like him?
  • Bubble: Poirsonally, Oi think you should spend your whoile toime with him.
  • Pencil: But 'ow? 'E's got football practice 'til eighteen hours, an' then 'e's got to go to some "draf' lottery"[38] fer a hour after thet, an' then we've only got two hours together!
  • Match: Two hours? That's, like, 120 minutes!
  • Bubble: Just coint up to 7,200 and your toime with Pen's up!
  • Pencil: Stop makin'e sound like it's worse!
  • Match: Isn't that, like, the length of a movie?
  • Bubble: Or a droive from hoire to Nyeri!
  • Pencil: Jus' stop'e m8!
  • Ruby: Hey, what's that thing sticking out of your closet?
  • Match: What?

[At once, Sword jumps out of the closet.]

  • Sword: Aserejé, ja deje tejebe tude jebere sebiunouba majabi an de bugui an de buididipí!
  • Alliance: AAAAAAAAH!
  • Sword: Ha! I scared you! You were scared by me! I used my intentially horrible incantation to scare the living balalaika out of you!
  • Ruby: YOU'RE INCANTATING LAS KETCHUP!
  • Pencil: Never mind thet, wot the kuzimu were'y doin' in there?
  • Sword: I wanted to talk to you in private, without your creeper of a friend.
  • Match: Omg, I'm a creeper?
  • Sword: [waiting] Wow. That's a record.
  • Ruby: Of what?
  • Sword: Of how long that girl was there without instantly falling in love with me! It's kind of sad, to be honest …
  • Match: That's because I love Eraser now!

[Everyone's eyes roll.]

  • Ruby: I think we should all go there where there are no men to bother us!
  • Match: Omg, I totes agree. But, like, where?
  • Ruby: You'll see!
  • Match: Let me guess … is it out of the city?

[Exeunt Ruby, Bubble and Pencil. Match follows.]

4. Dining room

Scene: The alliance is going out somewhere.

  • BookTriangle: Where are you all going?
  • Ruby: We are going somewhere special!
  • Book: Where?
  • Ruby: If you had listened earlier, we wouldn't have to push you out the door and join us for somewhere FUN!
  • Book: This is so exciting, it feels like the paramecium ride I never had for the Appreciate Little Creatures Day festival!

[Awkward silence.]

  • Book: I had a boring life, okay?

[Exeunt Book, Match, Pencil, Ruby and Bubble. Once they are out, Pen walks into the house from football practice.]

  • Pen: Hey, where are you all going?
  • Ruby: We are going somewhere special!
  • Pencil: [stops] 'Ey, Pen. Sorry if I can't talk to 'ee later, but fer some reason, I'm bein' taken somewhere.
  • Alliance: PENCIL!
  • Pencil: Sorry!

5. Outside Umoja Village

Scene: Umoja, the city with no men.[39] The alliance has been stepping outside the gates of the community.

  • Heavenly Voice #1: Jambo[40] and welcome to the city of Umoja!
  • Book: I can not tell what note they are singing, and it is triggering my Obsessive-Compusive Disorder on whether it is a B or C!
  • Heavenly Voice #2: The only place in Kenya, and possibly the world, where man is forbidden here!
  • Pencil: Don' worry, Book, as a musician, I'm gettin' unnerved too!
  • Ruby: Sing the right note, people!
  • Heavenly Voice #3: If you are a man, get out.
  • Heavenly Voice #1: Hey, Pencil!
  • Match: Omg, you know these people?
  • Pencil: O' course! I go 'ere all the time whene'er I've relationship problems!
  • Book: Need we remind you that you basically HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS!?
  • Bubble: Not even Loify and Foiry have a poirfect reloitionship, but you do!
  • Pencil: Yer right, e'eryone. This is me first problem in … this is me first problem! Our love's been goin' with smooth sailin' …
  • Book: [Aside.] No pun intended. [Everyone laughs except for Pencil.]
  • Pencil: Until 'e had to be away from me! This is the worst day of me life!
  • Book: [Aside.] Except for the day he leaves! [Everyone laughs.]
  • Book: It ain't funny!
  • Heavenly Voice #2: Just enter; we mistake loiterers for men!

6. Inside Umoja

Scene: They all enter Umoja Village at the behest of heavenly voices. As they walk through the cotton candy-like streets, they search for the advice place.

  • Pencil: Where is'e?
  • Match: Jewellery Store, Shōhakoku, School for Young Girls, Jewellery Craftswomen's Centre, School for Old Girls, Jewellery Store, Jewels and Embroidery … Umoja has a lot of Jewish people!
  • Book: [laughs] No, Umoja is famous for its jewels and beads.
  • Match: Omg, can we get one?
  • Pencil: Sure!
  • Book: That is not the purpose of our trip, is it?
  • Ruby: YES!
  • Book: No! We came here for Pencil to get relationship advice!

7. Nairobi Civic Centre

Scene: Triangle and Aristotelis, the men of the house, take Pen to the Civic Centre for the draft lottery.

  • Pen: Umm, why exactly are we here again?
  • Triangle: This is the special place where all conscripted men, like you, must go.
  • Pen: Oh! Last time I checked, this was the Nairobi Civic Centre!
  • Triangle: That was just a joke that practically makes no sense. It's been the civilians' home for the military for several years now!
  • Aristotelis: Leave my son alone! He can't help himself on how … er … awkward he's acting.
  • Pen: Wait, I was acting awkward this whole time?
  • Triangle: [to Aristotelis] WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
  • Aristotelis: Nothing, sir, not … anything.
  • Azuras: Attention, young men of Kenya. As the leader of the Department of Authorised Conscriptional Indicators, I instruct all of you to please give a cold and hasty welcome to our president!

[Everyone welcomes Triangle coldly and hastily.[41]]

  • Man: Speech! Speech! Speech!
  • Men: Speech! Speech! Speech!
  • Submarine: And it looks like he will be making a speech.
  • Triangle: [gets up] I just want everyone to speak Swahili from now on until the end of this … [trying to think of a name] … beauty pageant.

[Everyone there is disgusted.]

  • Pen: Ooh, did you say beauty pageant, because it's pretty obvious who's going to win that one, eh? [points to himself]

[Man laughs. Then the men laugh. Then the whole country laughs, followed by a series of astronomical objects vocally laughing at him.]

  • Triangle: That is my daughter's "boyfriend" over there, who will inevitably—
  • Man: Speak Kiswahili!
  • Triangle: Kufanya hivyo kwanza![42]

[All dialogue during this scene is then translated from Swahili. They are translated literally from English to Swahili back to English from Google.[43]]

  • Triangle: Hello, the people of Kenya. I would like to start drawing first troops fight against BFDI!

[Everyone cheers. Meanwhile, Submarine pulls a box up.]

  • Triangle: Thus, legal secretary, how this box work?
  • Azuras: Well, now the box is empty. But my assistant here will pour a box of 366 balls into the box. 366 Why, you ask? This is the number of days in a year, if you count leap years.
  • Triangle: Very interesting. You know, I wish I could save one of these balls; I reserved a specific date for the first.
  • Azuras: It will be as you wish.
  • Triangle: [searching for a specific ball] Very well ... ugh ... where is it? ... I thought there was a ball with a number! [He continues to search.]

8. Umoja

Scene: Meanwhile, all the girls are going around the village trying to find the relationship counsellor.

  • Pencil: Omg, where is'e?
  • Match: Yeah, like, really. Where is the relationship counsellor? I've gone by, like, 300 Shōhakokus, 20 toy stores and, like, over nine thousand jewellery places!
  • Bubble: Sure it moy be repoititive, but my bubble senses are telling moi that we've been woilking in circles on a Ferris wheel.

[They are seen walking on the Ferris wheel in circles.]

  • Book: How is this evem possible?
  • Match: Like, thank Ruby for this! With her distortion of reality we wouldn't have found a way to do this in the first place!
  • Pencil: 'Old on, I think I see it!
  • Book: Ooh, where is it?
  • Pencil: Right in front o' us.

[The rest of the alliance face palms at her.]

  • Pencil: Wot? Us Triángolos ferget the reality when depress'd!

[They get off the Ferris wheel.]

9. Nairobi Civic Centre

Scene: Triangle is still looking for a specific ball.

  • Triangle: [in Swahili] I think I may have. Is not!
  • Azuras: Okay, I guess I should take over now. You get out of my mouth.
  • Triangle: Good idea.
  • Azuras: [with a sports announcer-type voice] And of course, we now date the first to be chosen for the first troops were prepared against BFDI!

[Everyone cheers. He stops and chooses.]

  • Azuras: August 27!

[A few in the audience gasp.]

  • Triangle: Well, it could be a number which I have suggested, but first I get part plight select dates.
  • Azuras: [chooses again] December 2!
  • Triangle: [groans] Ogggggggh!
  • Azuras: February 19!

10. Umoja Relationship Counselling

Scene: They are now there.

  • Book: [signing in] Hello, I would like to reserve an appointment with Pencil Triángolo.
  • Boringhia: [indifferent] We're sorry, we can only reserve for those who have a reservation.
  • Book: What? I thought we had a reservation!
  • Boringhia: There are other people in the world who also have her same problem, and you're complaining to me about it. Swell move, girl.
  • Bubble: Soime problem? What do you moin?
  • Boringhia: If you watch the three-kilometre queue out there, you too will see that they all have the same boyfriends or husbands or same significant others going into the same war. They all have boyfriends! They all have boyfriends! [teary-eyed] They all have boy—
  • Pencil: [angrily and quietly[44]] Listen m8, if y'can 'ear me right now, I wan' to get in there an' I need no queue! Y'ear thet I am a strong indepen'n' Kenyan woman who don' need no queue to tell me thet I'm a-doin' somethin' wrong 'ere, so jus' GET ME A COUNSELLOR SO I CAN VENT ALL ME FEELINS TO 'ER AN' GET ME OUT O' ME MISERY FROM LOSIN'E! [starts crying again]
  • Ruby: [quietly] Good job, Pencil!
  • Match: Omg, with that, like, attitude you'll be sure to get in quickly!
  • Boringhia: This door is for you!

[Boringhia lets all of them into the room.]

  • Match: Omg, I love this room!
  • Bubble: Noice coloir!
  • Ruby: And it sparkles too!
  • Book: I could not hear you with my reading on these walls. "And so I found out the secret of the Sphinx in Egypt which was—"
  • Pencil: Wot're'ee talkin' about? All I see is a white void!
  • Vidhatjansa: [comes out of nowhere] That's because this is a white void!

[Everyone panics except for Ruby.]

  • Ruby: What? She was there always!
  • Vidhatjansa: Right. This is the room that can be filled with your imagination!
  • Pencil: Ah, no wonder it's jus' a white void. I've no more imagination left!
  • Vidhatjansa: Now now, there's no such thing as no more imagination. Now. I want you to imagine that you're a paramecium.
  • Pencil: I jus' can't! It's really true I got no more imagination lef', acos as a Triángolo, yer ain't supposed to 've owned some imagination when yer depress'd! Can I go now?
  • Vidhatjansa: Go now? This party hasn't started yet! You need to rage and get it all out!

[Pencil starts to "boil".]

  • Vidhatjansa: I didn't mean it literally! I mean … never mind, I totally forgot something!
  • Ruby: The capital of Zimbabwe?
  • Bubble: Your gift coird for Yoylecake Factory?
  • Match: Your gift card for Fornever 31?
  • Book: [reading] "And so the cat said to the …"
  • Vidhatjansa: No, I mean I forgot to tell you my name! I am Vidhatjansa Mansakeegenda, and the chair that you in all your realities are is my partner Kumo-chan!
  • Kumo-chan: Heyyo!
  • Ruby: What does your last name mean again?
  • Vidhatjansa: Meatball.
  • Ruby: [Aside.] Kumo … Vidhatjansa … Meatball … nah, 't's just a coincidence!
  • Pencil: Omg, I can see some imagination.

[Everyone gets excited.]

  • Bubble: Oh my goish, you now have imaginoition!
  • Pencil: Aye …
  • Vidhatjansa: You don't sound very enthusiastic of your newfound knowledge of imagination. Tell me what's going on and I'll use my very useful abilities to help you figure it out!
  • Pencil: Well …

11. Nairobi Civic Centre

Scene: Triangle is still picking out dates for the draft.

  • Triangle: October 10, no … Where is it? I have chosen to present all dates except for the one I want, and that is not there!
  • Pine Tree: [in the audience] Good thing we took that draft ball.
  • Bolty: Yeah, so we'll never ever be chosen again!
  • Pen: What exactly are you talking about in "never ever be chosen again"?
  • Ingot: We hid the ball that has our birthday on it, July 2!
  • Pen: Oh, wow, that's my birthday too!
  • Pine Tree: That's so coolio; we can be birthday buddies!
  • Pen: More importantly, why did you steal that ball? The president, who also happens to be my girlfriend's father, really needs it.
  • Ingot: He may need it, but we don't.
  • Pen: Why?
  • Bolty: We're the [whispering] draft dodgers.
  • Pen: That's so cool! But I thought the Dodgers football team[45] disbanded decades ago!
  • Ingot: They are, if you think so. But we're here so we can't be called into service.
  • Pen: Service? As in customer service or just about the people in regular service that my father told me to be particularly condescending to?
  • Pine Tree: Just stop asking questions and we will answer them for you.

12. Umoja Relationship Therapy

Scene: Pencil and the alliance are still there with the two counsellors.

  • Pencil: So, like, wot shall I do? I wouldn't wan' to serve with'e, acos I fear death! [Aside.] I 'ear they cancel yer recovery centre licences when y' join. Says fer th' natural look.
  • Vidhatjansa: It does say for the natural look. When you get killed in action, you get killed in action forever.
  • Pencil: I don' wan' to fear meself on this, but I'm rather torn on the suggestions, so will someone please tell me wot to do?
  • Kumo-chan: [calling from beyond the beyond] WHEN HE'S GONE, JUST DATE SOMEONE ELSE!

[Lightbulbs literally go over the heads of everyone except for Pencil.]

  • Pencil: Thet's a horrible idea! First of all, where on Earth'll I find someone jus' as good as Pen? 'E's lit'rally, like, th' epitome of everythin' thet I love!
  • Kumo-chan: [close up again] If those poetic terms are meant to be taken literally, I really have absolutely no comment on anything.
  • Book: I would seriously hi-five you if you had arms, Butty.
  • Pencil: An' secon' of all, won't'e prove thet I'm a bad girlfriend if 'e suddenly walks 'ome on a surprise visit from the service an' sees me bein' bussed on by ano'er bloke? Therefore, I lit'rally can not date anyone else whilst 'e's gone!
  • Kumo-chan: Go single for the rest of your days! Then you can play hard to get and try to get the attention of a boy whom you really don't love, but must do it anyway if you want to forget about the soldier whom you really care for! [The alliance cheers.]
  • Book: Upvote for using whom correctly!
  • Ruby: But this is not Queddit where you can give upvotes in real life![46]
  • Book: Don't interrupt my victory speech, Ruby. [stares off into space] Cool, ε Circini![47]
  • Kumo-chan: I still think you should be eternally single.
  • Vidhatjansa: I hate to show partiality to this, but I kind of agree with Butty.
  • Match: You're, like, saying that Pencil should, like, become single until, like, after the war? That is so genius!
  • Vidhatjansa: Yeah, yeah, can you all go now? I have at least 400 girls just waiting outside this void to talk about their MUCH LESS SEVERE relationship problems!
  • Pencil: JUS' FERGET'E!

[Pencil storms off in the wrong direction. The alliance follows.]

  • Leafy: [outside, noticing the girls go the other way] Hey, you can't go out this way; it's immoral for my soul to fart—
  • Pencil: Don't care!
  • Match
Sorry!
  • Book: Pardon my lovesick acquaintance!
  • Ruby: I like your name! [stops] Leafy! Leaf-y! Lea-fy! Le—
  • Alliance: Ruby!
  • Ruby: I come like the zephyrs! [flies by] GEMISTAN-STYLE!

13. Nairobi Civic Centre

Scene: After Pine Tree, Bolty and Ingot explain to Pen what's really going on.

  • Pen: So instead of becoming a writer, I'm becoming a soldier against BFDI?
  • Ingot: Well, you would. But we saved your life!
  • Pen: You don't know how many languages I've learned to say "thank you" … and if three isn't enough, definitely 3% of my father's income will pay once he gets his job back from the evil BFDI emp— wait, how do I know you're not lying?
  • Pine Tree: Lying about what? We've told you the stuff, so you tell us about the other stuff! Well, not the actual stuff stuff, but just in case there is such thing as a paradoxical "stuff" that I should know about, "stuff" seems pretty generalised …
  • Pen: [tensing] Well, y'know … you guys have a repetition around the school for lying.
  • Bolty: And you have a repetition around the school for cheating.
  • Ingot: And for being the school's best player on the football team!
  • Pine Tree: Aside from being an amazing singer/dancer/instrumentalist!
  • Pen: I do it with pride.
  • Triangle: [sees the ball in Ingot's hand] Aha! Mimi naona mpira! Ni lazima na kuanguka katika mikono ya mtoto huyo. Julai 2! Julai 2! Wote wa Julai 2 siku za kuzaliwa ni kuwa askari![48]
  • Pen: What did he say?
  • Pine Tree: [lying] That us young men born on July 2nd will not be drafted!
  • Pen: I can't tell if you're lying or not, but I'm too excited to tell Pencil the truth!

[Exeunt omnes except Ingot, Pine Tree and Bolty.]

  • Bolty: The Alliance-Partnership International is known for lying?
  • Pine Tree: Apparently so. The morale of the API is no longer in the sky, boys.
  • Ingot: I've always wanted a reputation!

14. Pencil's house

Scene: After Pen tells everyone the news.

  • Pencil: Omg, so yer not goin' to war?
  • Pen: Nope! I got saved by some lifesavers!
  • Bubble: And who oire these loifesavers and what did thoy do?
  • Triangle: [trying to surpress] Yes, who are they?
  • Pen: They're these guys with the same birthday as me, and they hid my draft balls.[49]
  • Triangle: Those little s—
  • Estigua: But if that's true, that means Pen will stay home with us forever!

[Pencil cheers.]

  • Triangle: B— b— but that wasn't my intent!
  • Pen: And, sir, they will arrive here in— [doorbell] About three seconds.
  • Bubble: OMBB, we want to moit them.
  • Match: Are they hot?
  • Ruby: There will be men here! [preparing] Got to get my swag on!
  • Book: I do not care.

[Katarzyna opens the door. Outside of it is the API, as well as 2,734[50] other people, even Pin.]

  • Ingot: Hallo.[51]
  • Pine Tree: So we are the API, and we are happy to be drafting the dodge.
  • Triangle: Grr …
  • Pine Tree: [tensing] Oh, I see our president is here … please disregard everything I just said, and I will always love you!
  • Bolty: I am neither chair, sofa, divan, couch nor your mother's muumuu. Yes, I have said it.[52]
  • Pencil: Oh, thanks'ee fer savin' me— [sees everyone] boy's life! 'E really deserved'e, I mean, with all the stress already goin' on in me life, I could jus' give'ee a big embracemen', h'if y'know wot I'm meanin'—
  • Pine Tree: Silence! Only I can do the boring and long-drawn sentences. I mean, like, sentences are so long that I can't really understand the whole thing. I mean, what makes a sentence long? Is it hard to read for those in grade 1? Is it hard to speak for those at university? I mean … [Match pushes him in, as well as Bolty and Ingot]
  • Match: Omg, Pen, I thought you said they were, like, hot! Right now, I'm getting a multi-access ticket to Uglyworld.
  • Bubble: [Aside.] Oi was thinking Uglyland.
  • Ruby: Ugly Insanity?
  • Match: If you meant Uglyopia, you're, like, spot on.
  • Bubble: Toitally. These goys are so uglyoipia.
  • Pen: Hey, I never said they weren't hot!
  • Pencil: Thet's true!
  • Pen: And you should be nice; next thing you know, they'll make you join the army, Match … [thinking] which actually won't be half bad!
  • Pencil: Oi!
  • Pen: Nothing, dear!

[Skip this scene if necessary; it's totally irrelevant.]

  • Book: [talking to UFO and Manat] Statistically speaking, you have a .274% of knowing somebody here. But according to my database, [opens book] I know everyone here.
  • UFO[53]: En realidad, su estadística es incorrecta. Esto se debe a que no sabes 0,274% de la gente, más bien en la vida real 0,274% de la gente de aquí nacen en un día determinado.[54]
  • Book: Hey, how can you understand English so well but be fluent in Spanish?
  • UFO: Ah, ya sabes, las Islas Canarias, Arecibo, Arizona …[55]
  • Manat[56]: Wait, so you mean that you have a database of people, you know?
  • Book: Yeah, why?
  • Manat: Bu və ya qeyri-qanuni ola bilər; Mən bu barədə Yoyleland soruşmaq lazımdır.[57]

[Meanwhile…]

  • Pencil: Omg, this party's becomin' socially awkward! Wot should we do?
  • Match: Probably just turn the radio up!

[A plethora of tunes are heard, from Polynesian indie music to Zambian rock to Ecuadorian classical music. After another round of Pass the Zampoña to the Llama's Teeth, Triangle has had enough.]

  • Triangle: Okay, THAT'S ENOUGH! EVERYONE OUT OF HERE STAT!

[At once, they go.]

  • Triangle: I can't believe you organised a party! That is strictly prohibiting my rules of the house. If you want to party, do it somewhere else!
  • Pen: We're poor, sir, without a home like this, G-d would not have given us a better home.
  • Triangle: You're homeless, you say? [cackles mildly evilly]
  • Katarzyna: I do not like where this is going …
  • Estigua: Dear, maybe you should relax.
  • Triangle: I can't relax at a time like this! I- I can't believe you betrayed me.
  • Aristotelis: All the boy did was throw a party with those who had similar birthdays as h—
  • Triangle: SILENCE, CADET MORTAL!
  • Pencil: Please don' tell me 'is punishmen' is bein' grounded from electronics fer two hours.
  • Triangle: Nope! Even better, if you want to think of it as such. The draft for the second of July will be for Pen, and only Pen, just for throwing the party.
  • Pen: What? [the colour drains from his face[58]; he then runs up to his room in tears]
  • Match: Omg, not again!
  • Pencil: I have to help him!

[She runs to his room. Everyone else stays behind.]

  • Ruby: I licked the Sun once.
  • Book: Ruby, I think that you have been on too much from Vidhatjansa.
  • Match: Agreed.
  • Ruby: No! I demand to taste the sun once more … it tasted like a university building.

15. Pen's room

Scene: Pencil is talking to Pen.

  • Pencil: Omg, Pen, yer cryin'!
  • Pen: What, I'm not crying! I have just been eating father's Greek onions.
  • Pencil: Don' be jestin' with me, I know 'ee've been cryin.
  • Pen: But I never cry!
  • Match: You're telling me!
  • Pencil: Match, wot're'ee doin' there?
  • Match: Well, I was, like, not trying to spy on you!
  • Pencil: Can'ee get out, we're tryin' to 'ave some private time before 'e leaves forever!
  • Pen: Yeah, Match, please just go.

[Match walks backwards slowly.]

  • Pencil: GO!

[Exit Match, faux-cackling. They slam the door on her.]

  • Pen: What was that for? I thought Match and you were, like, best friends.
  • Pencil: Aye, but … like, I don' wan'e in me love life, y'know, it's kind o' h'awkward.
  • Pen: Yeah, it is hawkward, er … awkward for family to interfere with our lives. Say, y'know when I considered you part of my family?
  • Pencil: Actually, y'wan' to know when I considered you as a part o' me family?
  • Pen: You go first.
  • Pencil: So it all started when Match became me bes' friend in, like, five seconds after ye moved in all from Canada, an', like …

16. Kitchen

Scene: Everyone has finished eating dinner.

  • Katarzyna: Oh, you're back! By the way, could you go to my room and grab my literary collection, I left it in there a few minutes ago.
  • Match: I have absolutely, like, no idea what that is, but I can't go there right now.
  • Aristotelis: Why? Did the ghost of Eraser leave droppings on the bed? Because I swore I cleaned those things up.
  • Match: [Aside.] Can't think of my love doing something like that … [Aloud.] No! Pencil and her "bae" are in there, and they'll be, like, there forever!
  • Triangle: They're in there? Oh, the objectity!
  • Ruby: What's wrong?
  • Triangle: I want Pen to spend as little time as possible as Pencil before he gets shipped off!
  • Estigua: What? That's a new low, even for you.
  • Nelson: Wait, isn't it deployed, not shipped off?
  • Triangle: Well, kama, since he is a pen, they do get shipped off.
  • Nelson: Good point.
  • Book: Yeah, but you really should not deny the love of other people, even if the thing that they call love is completely unnecessary to the entire mechanisms of the univer—
  • All adults: Book!
  • Book: Sorry.
  • Needle: Hey, why don't we go to the room and spy on what they're doing!
  • Triangle: That sounds like a good plan … but we must do it after I check on them! [he goes to the door] Hey! What are you doing in there?
  • Pencil: [groans] Wot, dad?
  • Triangle: In there? What are you doing? Tell me now!
  • Pencil: We're jus' talkin'! [back to conversation] An' so I was, like, 'ey, 'e could be the perfect relationship fer me! 'E's a jock, an' I'm a cheerleader, an' we'd make one o' those cute couples 'o always appear as th' bad guys in films tryin' to, like, kill pigs an' take 'em on this girl named Carrie … oh, sorry, I've been readin' too much 'orror fiction lit'rature … anyways, so, like, I totally 'ad it comin' fer you, an' then Bubble convinced everyone to make me 'ack yer grades, an' when I saw thet y'had 100% in nearly every class, I freaked out an' me heart grew nine thousan' sizes too large … an' when I found out'ee could sing, Oh, 'ow wonderful thet day, like, was! So yer an athlete, singer an' straight A studen', an' our love was as fresh as Eas' African juniper!
  • Triangle: [to everyone else] They're talking about boring angsty teenage girl stuff!
  • Nelson: Cool, can we hear?
  • Bubble: Moy we?
  • Triangle: Gather round, everyone!

[They all gather behind the door silently.]

17. Pen's room

Scene: A few hours later. This time, the room from the inside perspective.

  • Pencil: "Yer beautiful."
  • Pen: "Would you like to—
  • Triangle: [knocks down the door. Everyone immediately scurries aside.] HA! I knew you'd be eventually bussing[59] on my precious daughter!
  • Pen: Sir, this isn't what it looks like!
  • Triangle: Then why were you asking for things before I knocked down this door KAF[60] style?
  • Voice: [Aside.] I thought you were in the Army!
  • Triangle: Tornado, tomato, potato, Bumiputera.[61]
  • Pencil: Then 'ow long'v'ee been standin' 'ere?
  • Triangle: I don't know; time at Taveta goes by three times faster.
  • Voice: [Aside.] But this is Nairo—
  • Triangle: BUMIPUTERA! But what were you doing that made me kick the door?
  • Pencil: We were readin' our old text messages together!
  • Match: [coming out of the shadows[62]] Eww, why do you, like, keep those things?
  • Book: Match is right; old texts are so cringey!
  • Ruby: I never knew my vocabulary was so exquisite back then!
  • Pencil: Can'ee jus' leave?
  • Pen: Yeah, for the last time, we just want some privacy time with ourselves! Not with anyone else, just us … in peace!

[They all walk backwards as Match did.]

  • Nelson: Ow!
  • Ruby: You know I can't walk backwards!
  • Match: Walking backwards is my weakness, I lied!
  • Aristotelis: Let's just walk forwards.
  • All: Yeah!

[Exeunt omnes. Bubble runs up to them.]

  • Bubble: Have fun with yoursoilves! Just doin't have the coikie crumble whoile you're imitoiting poinut butter and joi—
  • Pencil: Bubble!
  • Bubble: Soirry!

[Exit Bubble.]

  • Pencil: People these days!

Wednesday, December 19

1. Pen's room

Scene: Morning. Pencil and Pen wake up to the alarm clock also known as Triangle.

  • Triangle: Alright, vijana askari[63] wake up!
  • Pencil: Oh, I'd this terrible nightmare thet 'ee'd involunt'rily join the milit'ry 'gains' yer well an' 'ee'd leave me behin'![64]
  • Pen: Yeah, can you turn off the alarm clock, please, Pencil? I'm afraid that the other members of the family will be mildly annoyed that we have suddenly—
  • Triangle: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO, YOUNG MAN?
  • Pen: [still half-asleep] I don't mean to do a "Book", but shouldn't it be "to whom you are talking"?
  • Triangle: Great, backtalk me on your last day!

[Pencil and Pen both gasp.]

  • Pencil: Yer las' … [faints][65]
  • Pen: [wholly awake] Oh great, you killed her!
  • Triangle: I did not kill her[66], she's just unconscious!
  • Pen: Wait! I know CPR from Biology! Or was that Chemistry … oh yeah, it's Honours—
  • Triangle: MAKE HER ALIVE!
  • Pen: Okay … here goes nothing …

[He goes for the CPR position. Coincidentally at the same time, enter the same group from last night.]

  • Bubble: Oh.
  • Book: Of my.
  • Ruby: Fat unibrow!
  • Aristotelis: Is Pen—
  • Estigua: It looks like …
  • Katarzyna: Does he really, like, kiss her when she's—
  • Needle: Yes. Yes, he does.
  • Triangle: [sighs] This is boring, can we just go to the car already?

2. Car

Scene: Cut to Triangle with Pen in the car.

  • Triangle: I didn't mean it literally!
  • Pen: So why are we here again?
  • Triangle: You are being enlisted stat!
  • Pen: Wait, I thought you said that I didn't have to go due to the Alliance-Partnership International's draft "mistake"!
  • Triangle: Yes, there was a mistake that they made, but you decided to invite them to a party full of random rowdy people whom I have never met (only recognised) before, so you're back in. You know, it's your fault in the first place.
  • Pen: What!? How is it my fault?
  • Triangle: I was talking to your father last night out of the room THAT YOU STOLE and he told me about your ancestral lineage. He told me that his grandfather was a soldier, as was his father, and his father, and his father, until his great-great-great-great unajua nini namaanisha[67] grandfather was serving in the Jewish community of Sparta[68], even he had to serve in the Greek armed forces for a few months whilst his first wife was planning to have Eraser.[69]
  • Pen: Was he lying?
  • Triangle: Do you really think that he was able to lie to me?[70]
  • Pen: I mean, did he really say that I was a descendant of Spartans?
  • Triangle: Yeah, why?
  • Pen: Well, I always thought I was the descendant of a Jewish Athenian: y'know, philosophy, education, democracy, the arts?
  • Triangle: Well, when it's you who says it, all those "Athenian" nonsense is just BOOOOOOORING! You know that girls love Spartan warriors!
  • Pen: But Pencil loves me, and I've always impressed her with … y'know, you're right.
  • Triangle: When I get home, I will find the perfect guy for Pencil, even better than you!
  • Pen: Wh—
  • Triangle: DON'T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS!
  • Pen: Sir, why must you always use your loud voice towards me?
  • Triangle: Well, I am trying to get you prepared for what you will soon see. You must understand that after me is my successor. And as I trained him, he became, of what he is today, a very very awful son of a b—

3. Pencil's house

Scene: Scene cut to the house, where Pencil is now conscious and panicking when she sees Pen has gone.

  • Pencil: —ut where is 'e? I've looked all over th' 'ouse, an' 'e's nowhere to be seen? D'yee think thet 'e's gone already?
  • Match: Nope!
  • Bubble: Noio.
  • Ruby: Who are we talking about again?
  • Book: I saw your dad leaving with him earlier!
  • MatchBubble: Shh!
  • Book: What, at least she now knows where he is!
  • Pencil: I have to go help'e!

[She disappears with a flash of light.]

  • Match: Needy!
  • Needle: [slaps from afar] Don't call me Needy … I've fallen so tired that I don't even have enough energy to slap you.
  • Nelson: I think it's because Pencil took your Christmas gift.
  • Needle: You think?

[Enter Pencil again.]

  • Pencil: Wait, thet was mum 'o lef' fer work.
  • Aristotelis[71]: Match!
  • Match: Yeah?
  • Aristotelis: With our new pre-done veteran benefits, I've bought tickets of the Chicago Blackhawks against the Detroit Red Wings.
  • Match: Dad, like, three things. First, we are in Kenya, where it snows once every, like, million years.[72] [it starts to snow] Second, I'm completely, like, confused about you and your American hockey teams; we're all in this toget—
  • Aristotelis: But they've got good players on their team, it doesn't matter if they're not Canadian!
  • Match: And third, like, we're so poor we can't afford a trip across the street.
  • Aristotelis: Not without these! [holds up money]

[Everyone is surprised.]

  • Katarzyna: And how did you get those?
  • Nelson: Yeah, and from whom did you obtain those?
  • Needle: Yeah, who? I wanna know!
  • Aristotelis: The government gave it to me. By "the government", I mean your father. And by "gave", I mean generally sufficed all of it to me whilst I was sleeping. (It was like Father Christmas all over again, I swear.) And by "it", I mean theeeeeeese!
  • Pencil: Omg, wot're vet'rans benefits? I mean, like, explain'e once more.
  • Aristotelis: Well, the lower-ranking a family member has, the more money he gets!
  • Katarzyna: Or she gets!
  • Aristotelis: So, now that Pen's to be at the bottom, we're rich!
  • Match: And if BFDI does lose this war, my dad can finally get his job back! [Everyone cheers]
  • Pencil: Wait, so Pen's goin' to war, only knowin' thet 'e's jus' a boy in poverty?
  • Katarzyna: That is how the system will work, y'know.[73]
  • Aristotelis: I'm going out for a jog. Want to come?
  • All: No.
  • Bubble: We have schoil, remember?

[Exit Aristotelis.]

  • Pencil: I still can't believe'e!
  • Ruby: That you're not hexagonal like me?
  • Book: That the world will end billions of years from now?
  • Match: That you and Pen didn't have any children yet?
  • Pencil: No, no, an' I'm still in 'igh school! I mean, I jus' can't believe thet y' family's gettin' paid from 'is service! Like, with actual compensation!
  • Match: [Aside.] More like com-pen-sation! [everyone laughs]
  • Pencil: I should really start goin' to "school".

[Exit Pencil.]

4. On the roads to the base

Scene: Pen is still in the car with Triangle.

  • Triangle: And that's exactly what I told him! He's in the process of telling the children, probably.
  • Pen: I just can't believe that I'm getting paid from my service! With actual comisation!
  • Triangle: Yes, but if you quit early, you might as well say goodbye to the shillings, you understand that. [slows his car]
  • Pen: And why did we slow down?
  • Triangle: We're here! This place brings back memories of my service days, when …
  • Pen: So which way do I go?
  • Triangle: Any way you want! This is a base, after all.
  • Pen: But it's snowing! In Kenya! Isn't this what we escaped Canada for?
  • Triangle: Just get out!
  • Pen: I shall do my duties, sir. But just remember, my heart will always be for your daughter, no matter what happens to her, I shall always be there. And for always being there, I give a message to thee, mzee.[74]
  • Triangle: Yeah, yeah, kiasi shauku majadiliano[75], can you at least exit?
  • Pen: I big you hujambo.[76] [salutes good-bye]

[Exit Pen.]

  • Triangle: That … was … so beautiful that I'm actually … crying! [pause] Wait, that's just the snow in my eyes, never mind that Pen actually said hello to me. And now for a holiday at Nyali, but first for a new job; I hear they're hiring veterans now.

5. Near the train

Scene: Pen is about to embark on the train leaving to the airport, when suddenly …

  • Pen: Is there someone here?

[A hooded figure reveals itself. It's Pencil.]

  • Pencil: NO! Don't'ee go yet, Pen Schreib'r, I've my eyes on'ee!
  • Pen: Pencil? What are you doing here? You should be at school in a few minutes!
  • Pencil: Which's exactly where I be a-takin'ee! To "school".
  • Pen: Why would I want to go back there?
  • Pencil: [mis-hearing as "where"] Well, there's the bush where we can ditch together, the girls' loo, (under me permission, o' course, can't imagine any'n goin' there), we could e'en 'ide under the table at 'Aroldine's an' wait 'til lunch fer Match an' th' alliance to find us!
  • Pen: [quietly] No.
  • Pencil: Wot? Oh, fer a secon' I thinked'ee says "no".
  • Pen: I did. I said "no"!
  • Pencil: U WOT M8!? [everyone looks at her] But why?
  • Pen: Look, I can't just get out of here without the tremendous amount of guilt I'll feel right afterwards. It is my job and duty to protect all Kenyans here, even if it means risking my life. I just can't do nothing! Y'know, as the great American president John F Kennedy said, "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" …
  • Pencil: Oh, but we h'ain't Americans! I'm sure we can get out together! Please jus' be with me fer another day!
  • Pen: I'm sorry, [picks up backpack] but I just have to go! [He goes near the train with everyone else. Everyone else[77] follows them.]
  • Pencil: [about to cry] No, don' go! [gets in the train; Aside.] Please get a window seat, please get a window seat, please get a window set …
  • Pen: [from the window] Pencil? D … don't cry, please! I want you to have this final … last … [trying to not cry] kiss … I don't know how long I shall be gone … but … please …
  • Pencil: Anythin' fer you …

[They kiss, for the last time.[78]]

  • Ngao[79]: Sofer, no kissing while you on our onboard!
  • Pen: Sorry, sir!
  • Ngao: Apologies will be not acceptable here, I just can't believe how … [the train goes off, Pen looking at Pencil the whole time.]
  • Leafy: That … was … so beautiful that I'm actually … crying! [pause] Wait, that's just the snow in my eyes.
  • Pencil: 'Ey, Leafy. Are'ee sayin' goodbye to 'em too?
  • Leafy: Actually, just one. Remember how the president said that only people born before July 2, 1989 would be drafted?
  • Pencil: Please tell me this story's got 'opes fer me …
  • Leafy: My boyfriend, Firey, decided to join, despite being born three years after the age limit.
  • Pencil: Wot? Why'd'e wan' to join, out o' all people? After Bubble, 'e's the mos' vulnerable person I know!
  • Leafy: He wasn't forced to join, he wanted to. See, he can't just get out of here without the tremendous amount of guilt he'll feel right afterwards. It is his job and duty to protect all Kenyans here, even if it means risking his life. He just can't do nothing! As the great American president John F Kennedy said, "ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" …
  • Pencil: Ain't thet wot Pen says?
  • Leafy: [Aside.] Between you and me, it's exactly what he said, minus the change in pronouns. [Aloud.] But why did the conductor call him Sofer when his last name is Schreiber? Are officers just as bad as Shōhakoku employees in saying people's names?[80]

6. Pencil's house

Scene: Scene cut to the house, where the girls are getting ready for school.

  • Match: No, that's just the name their family received when the Greek Syngrapheases became Israelis.
  • Book: Oh, so the progression is Syngrapheas to Sofer to Schreiber?
  • Match: Omg, yes. [Aside.] We tend to talk less about the middle part around, like, this household.
  • Bubble: So Soifer is just an oild name for Schroiber?
  • Match: Pretty much!
  • Needle: So dad, you registered Pen under Sofer?
  • Triangle: I only did what was right and— wait, no. I registered him as Pen Schreiber in the draft, but … what?
  • Ruby: Oh my gosh, I have a theory! What if Syngrapheas is his superego, hiding as a small, modest inside like a lamb or a baby centaur, while Sofer is just his wondrous id, a fighting rooster-like warrior spirit who unleashes anger at anything in his path, all packed up into this diversity-typed being named Pen Schreiber? It is just my own personal conjecture, but I am sure that this is his cross-section psychologically. [everyone stares at Ruby in shock] I EAT CAT FOOD!
  • Bubble: What Roiby's saying is that Pen is a baby centoir who is soio packed up … am I soying this corroictly?
  • Book: That is the correct thing; right now Pen is displaying his id, the Sofer side, whilst he has been hiding under the Syngrapheas shell of a weaker being.
  • Match: Well, I would so date his Sofer side, but even though I'm, like, known as the "incest girl" in school, I wouldn't date my brother!
  • Nelson: OOOOKAY, let's change the topic. So … what do you think of your corundum friend's new obsession with … legumes?

[Enter Aristotelis in a crazed panic.]

  • Aristotelis: Let's go, girls, hurry up please faster; I may be late for work!
  • All: Work?
  • Match: Aren't you, like, "proudly unemployed"?
  • Aristotelis: Nope! With all those benefits from your father, Needy … [slaps] I've decided that it's time for me to buy up my new managerial role at Oggezsco! It's my new first day, in case. [shows a name tag]
  • Triangle: In that case, Schreiber, you may go when these children may go, and if they are late, then they will eventually feel the wrath that feels like SALT ON A WOUND!!
  • Pencil: [who is lying in a fœtal position] S- Salt on a wound was one o' Pen's an' me firs' cute couple names together!

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Match: Penc, you're alive!
  • Ruby: We thought you were dead.
  • Book: I was going to take a photograph with you.[81]
  • Pencil: Wot's the meanin' to life when it's only 'bout losin' the only one y've e'er loved? Th' one I loved's now gone to basic, an' I'll ne'er see'e again in me whole life … [everyone else is outside]
  • Triangle: [calling from outside] Come on, Pencil, you don't want to feel like SALT ON A WOUND! [everyone laughs in the background. Eventually Match carries her out]

7. School

Scene: Everyone gets out of the car. Everyone but Pencil.

  • Bubble, Ruby, Book, Match: Bye!
  • Match: Pencil's not going … wait! I've, like, the perfect trick! [to Pencil] Pen's back!
  • Pencil: [for a second, all colour rushes to her] Really!?
  • Match: No. Just get out and go to school! [the girls laugh]
  • Pencil: [sighs] Fine.

[As soon as the car goes away, Pencil hides behind the bush near her school whilst the others enter.]

  • Pencil: An' now to leave this freak show they call "life".

[She walks as far as she is able to the base.]

8. Camp Pumbaa Base[82]

  • Pencil: An' now to meet me long-tainted 'eartthrob!

[A robot appears out of nowhere.]

  • Pencil: Ah! Get away from me, y' ugly cyborgian!
  • Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke[83]: Freeze. Halt.[84] Kuacha.[85] You are entering a territory only to be entered by members of those in the Kenyan Defence Forces. Sie betreten ein Gebiet nur von Mitgliedern, die in den kenianischen Streitkräfte eingegeben werden.[86] Wewe ni kuingia wilaya tu kwa kuwa aliingia na wanachama wa wale waliopo Forces Kenya Ulinzi.[87]
  • Pencil: I don' care, I need to see me love!
  • Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke: If you did not hear me say any words earlier, we do not accept civilians in this private training ground. Please note that we also do not accept soldiers of these following countries: Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola, Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, especially the BFDI-loving citizens of Argen—
  • Pencil: Jus' forget'e! [breaks down crying] I jus' wanted to find me bes' man in the whole universe.
  • Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke: Guess who hasn't said that before! [A whole line of older women are in queue with Pencil.] And also, a military identification card is necessary if you want to go in.
  • Pencil: Wot'n 'ail is a milit'ry ident'n card? Las' time I checked I din't need to be—
  • Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke: [human voice] Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke speaking, may I take your order?
  • Pencil: Wot'n 'ail! Can I jus' find Pen there?
  • Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke: [robot voice] No, specific requests will not be permitted. Now here is a test to see if you are willing to go. Say my name.
  • Pencil: Jugemu Jugemu Goyangi Bartholomew … wait, no. Jugemu Jugemu Gumball Machinery … no, memory h'ain't me thing. Jugemu Jugemu Mitsubishi Yarmulke—
  • Jugemu Jugemu Gokoono Surikire Kaijarisuigyono Suigyoomatsu Unraimatsu Fuuraimatsu Kuunerutokoroni Sumutokoro Yaburakoojino Burakooji Paipopaipo Paipono Shuuringan Shuuringan'no Guurindai Guurindaino Pompokopiino Pompokonaano Chookyuumeino Choosuke: Three mistakes heard. That's it, I am firing my lasers at you. [fires lasers]
  • Pencil: Ah! [runs]

9. Outside Nairobi Plaza Main

Scene: Pencil runs hither.

  • Pencil: [pants] G … good thin' those blokes couldn't keep up with me, th' one an' only Pencil … aye, a' leas' I got meself. [walks into an innocuously-looking door labelled BAA]
  • Pencil: Finally, a place ter relax, an' e'en 'ave a—
  • Leafy: Pencil? I thought I heard your voice and saw your underweight self run somewhere. Pencil! [sees her] I found you! Oh, our tour group has been looking all over for you and we've been worried sick! All your friends are in school, but why are you in here?
  • Pencil: A better question seems to be: why're you 'ere? [Leafy looks even more questioned] Fine, I'll start. I came 'ere acos—
  • Leafy: [gasps in great horror] Pencil, this is a bar! I can't even think about believing that you were going to drink alcohol, the blood of the devil!
  • Pencil: Wot, I jus'—
  • Leafy: And to think that anyone doing anything wrong is an extremely wrong and immoral thing for people to do! And you're even under the age! That's it, it is against my will and morality to associate myself with a … WRONG-DOER!
  • Pencil: But Leafy, y' considers a wrong-doer o' yers to be someone 'o drops their pillow when sleepin' too loudl— [gets dragged to the teacher]
  • Leafy: Please punish this girl; she has been drinking!
  • Mama Spongy: Uh … well …
  • Pencil: Mrs Spongy, th' remedial Kenyan 'istory professor? Yer doin' this fiel' trip too?
  • Leafy: I don't want to hear a word you say, I demand justice!
  • Mama Spongy: [speaking fakely] Missy, that was a very unsafe thing to do, and as you are under the age, you could have been squashed by a giant meteor randomly falling from that sky into this bar. [Aside.] Sorry, but Leafy, the nice one, is making me say this so I don't have to take this case to the Supreme Court.

10. Pencil's house

Scene: Pencil gets driven home by Mrs Spongy in sympathy.

  • Mama Spongy: I'm sorry that I have to do this. I mean, Leafy is one of our more extreme students.
  • Pencil: But she's so nice!
  • Mama Spongy: No, she's too nice! Did I ever tell you about how a student got more than .3 marks on her exams, and she yelled at her across the room, demanding justice?
  • Pencil: No.
  • Mama Spongy: How about the time when she confiscated another student's three shillings and gave it to someone who needed one?
  • Pencil: Oh, thet's terrible. But I'm sure th—
  • Mama Spongy: Well, here is your house. And it's is almost time for school to end. In like a few minutes.

[Out and in.]

  • Triangle: Oh, you are home early!
  • Pencil: Aye, I ditched cheer so th' alliance'll recover fer me.[88]
  • Triangle: You ditched your cheerleading group?

[Enter the alliance.]

  • Bubble: Whoit happened? And whoy is your dad oingry?
  • Ruby: If he were a planet one of those "hypergiant" stars Mr Sawiskera described would be better for him.
  • Pencil: 'E got mad acos I ditched cheer.
  • Book: So he basically got angered just because you skipped cheer, and he did not care when you left school?
  • Triangle: YOU LEFT SCHOOL AS WELL? Eh, whatever.
  • Match: Why would you, like, care whether she skipped school?
  • Triangle: The public school system is the worst at keeping physical fitness. [pause] And that is why I'm taking you out!
  • All: What?
  • Triangle: As I said, our public schools do not do a good job at keeping children fit and healthy! We're basically turning into America when talking about physical fitness. And you know the famous Swahili phrase: the oldest daughter has to go.
  • Match: Isn't that for going to the bathr—
  • Triangle: Silence, young unexperienced woman! So Needle and Nelson can stay, but you can't.
  • Pencil: THET'S SO UNFAIR! [runs to her room crying]
  • Triangle: So how was your day?
  • Ruby: It was awesome! We lost several people to your army, so we had the whole classes to ourselves!
  • Book: From Headmistress Ball's announcement, we have lost 2,777[89] men, and one pencil.
  • Match: And that's just 2.13 percent[90], so I think you're, like, exaggerating, Book.
  • Triangle: I think I'd better go upstairs to see what's going on; I can hear Pencil's crying from here … and I've heard thousands of explosions in the past.
  • Pencil: [from her room] WHYYYYYYYY!?
  • Triangle: I'd better seismically prevent this earthquake! [runs up]
  • Ruby: What?
  • Match: I'm, like, sure it's rmilit'ry talk.

11. Pencil's room

Scene: Pencil is still crying, when Triangle enters.

  • Triangle: Pencil?
  • Pencil: [not looking] Go away! Can't'ee see y've ruin'd me whole life?
  • Triangle: I'm sure I ruined thousands of lives in Tanzania. See here? This most honourable badge shows my over nine thousandth, whilst in the Army, confirmed ki—
  • Pencil: No, 't'ain't thet! Y've ruined not jus' my life, but e'ry'n else's too! An' now … I've no boyfriend or school.
  • Triangle: What do you mean? There are no boys at the school you're going to! Umoja Sekondari Ya Juu[91] specifically prohibits all speak and talk of men!
  • Pencil: Oh, so a feminis' wonderlan'? I can't jus' do thet! Until then, I'll be standin' me ground!
  • Triangle: [quietly] That's a bed.
  • Pencil: Standin' me bed!
  • Triangle: No, you're going to that school!
  • Pencil: Then I'll wait fer some 'Ilarion to come an' save me![92]
  • Triangle: Okay, I have no idea what that means … but you have to go! I gave 2% of my benefits just to pay for that school and it costs 100% to levee me out!

[Enter Needle.]

  • Needle: [nearly out of breath] Hey, Pencil, can … you help me carry … my backpack down … to Nelson? I borrowed his for a new ruler …
  • Pencil: [throws the backpack out the window] I've a better idea! [whispers to Needle]
  • Needle: Got it! [runs downstairs]
  • Triangle: What is—
  • Pencil: You'll see.

[Needle runs up again.]

  • Needle: She said yes!

[Pencil cheers.]

  • Triangle: No. She will not.
  • Pencil: Wot'd'ye 'ear?
  • Triangle: Nothing! It's just that a few minutes ago, you gave me the "Match-with-her-richness-money-and-Canadianness-will-pay-off-me-going-back-to-her-stupid-public-school-in-order-to-have-more-friends-and-get-rid-of-my-depression-caused-by-my-father-instead-of-sucking-up-and-going-to-the-school-in-the-first-and-foremost-place-because-her-father-said-so-and-I-didn't-even-suggest-that-you-should-do-it-anyways" look in your eyes. Well there is no way I am touching your filthy Canuck money!

[Enter the alliance.]

  • Match: Excuse me, what did you say about filthy Canuck money?
  • Book: B … because I am one of the filthy Canucks that you are to be describing, sir?
  • Triangle: Well, um …

[Enter the mothers.]

  • Estigua: What is going on?
  • Katarzyna: The one day I come home from work and hear the esteemed President of Kenya talking about filthy Canucks!
  • Triangle: To tell you this … that—

[Enter Aristotelis.]

  • Aristotelis: Hello-o-o, did I miss the celebration?
  • Triangle: No, you didn't. Or you did. In fact everyone did!
  • Match: Omg, just tell us what's going on!
  • Triangle: I shall do so. But I do not want to hear a single word coming out of your mouths! So … Pencil came home early from school, and I found that she skipped her cheerleading. Then the alliance came as well, and they told me that Pencil skipped school as well. I had to find an excuse for her punishment, so of course I went with the fact that she had to transfer schools. But it actually was true, so Pencil ran up to her room and she told Needle to tell Mia that she could pay for the anti-tuition. Of course I wouldn't say so, because I decline to touch foreigners' currencies.
  • All: What?
  • Triangle: Pencil came home early from school, and I found that she skipped her cheerleading. Then the alliance came as well, and they told me that Pencil skipped school as well. I had to find an excuse for her punishment, so of course I went with the fact that she had to transfer schools. But it actually was true, so Pencil ran up to her room and she told Needle to tell Magdalene that she could pay for the anti-tuition. Of course I wouldn't say so, because I decline to touch foreigners' currencies.
  • Aristotelis: I'm still not getting it; the plot's so convoluted it makes the war sound like a children's story.
  • Triangle: [sighs] Pencil skipped cheer. As punishment, she will move schools. To get her out, Pencil asked Mitsuru to pay. But I say no, because foreigners must never give money to me.
  • All: Ohhhhhhhh!
  • Triangle: Was that so hard to understand?
  • Aristotelis: Then here's a better idea! (Aside from your xenophobia.) You can let Pencil get out of that other school for free, if she will get a date!
  • PencilTriangle: Wot?What?
  • Triangle: That actually may be a good idea! I am all for my daughter getting a new lover!
  • Pencil: Wot? Everyone, I can't do thet! Y'know thet Pen's th' only one I think o' whenever everyone tries ter explore fer a new date fer me!
  • Estigua: [Aside.] We haven't done that yet.
  • Pencil: But y'could!
  • Triangle: Listen, Pencil. Pen's nothing now. He's done with. Gone for! Pushed into obsolescence!
  • Book: I think that it would be better to say "thwarted".
  • Triangle: Yes, thank you, Book. Thwarted into obsolescence!
  • Match: Wait, why are you, like, so obsessed with Pen being with you spiritually?
  • Pencil: W … wot're'ee sayin'?
  • Match: I see that look, like, in your eyes! It's the, like, "no-I-can't-date-any-other-guy-except-for-my-boring-mediocre-brother-because-every-time-I-find-some-guy-that-my-BFF-which-is-me-Match-by-the-way-seemingly-finds-mildly-attractive-I-instantly-find-a-connection-in-my-internal-organs-to-Pen-but-it's-not-just-that-because-I-believe-that-it-is-morally-incorrect-to-leave-Pen-just-because-he-is-serving-our-country-against-the-forces-of-BFDI" look.
  • Triangle: Muriel's right. But I thought I was the only one who was able to make up long clauses like that!
  • Bubble: It's moigic!
  • Ruby: She randomly thinks up an "arco" … "acra" … "agera" …
  • Book: ACRONYM!
  • Ruby: Yes, that.
  • Match: Omg, like simply use NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI!
  • Katarzyna: Oh! [everyone tries] NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI.
  • Aristotelis: NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI … NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI … NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI!
  • Katarzyna: [Aside.] That's enough, Ari!
  • Bubble: NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI, NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI, NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI! I doi it every doy! NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI, NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI, NICDAOGEFMBMBBETIFSGTMBFFWIMMBTWSFMAIIFACIMYIOTPBINJTBIBTIIMITLPJBHISOCATFOBFDI! I want my straws to stoy!
  • Ruby: GRANDMOTHER! SPUTNIK! VOJVODINA! … I'm not doing these right, aren't I?
  • Pencil: Everyone, shut up! [everyone focuses on her] So I jus' 'ave to find a date! It feels so wrong jus' to abandon me boy!
  • Triangle: Sometimes, the wrong thing can be considered correct. And besides, like half of my regiment had their wives lost to other men.
  • Pencil: There's no way I can resis' to peer pressure!
  • Triangle: That's the spirit! Now I want you to follow these simple criteria:
SONG: "What Kind of Guy?" (Triangle and chorus)

Triangle: ♫ What kind of guy?
Aristotelis: What kind of guy?
Triangle: Is suitable for my daughter?
Aristotelis: Is suitable for his daughter?
Pencil: Well …
Triangle: A suitor for my precious daughter with near-adult years
Must show gallantries, manliness and never use his tears!
Pencil: I tell'ee thet's the kind o' boy exactly 'ow me Pen was!
Aristotelis: But he showed little interest in mytho'gic gods like Ingwaz!
Triangle: So sponaneouslee I'm calm enough just to not shout,
But Aristotelis, those two words don't rhyme, therefore you're out.
Aristotelis: [spoken] Dang it!
Triangle: What kind of guy?
Chorus: What kind of guy?
Triangle: Is suitable for my daughter?
Chorus: Is suitable for his daughter?
Romanian Leava: Although in the judicial branches, she'll find me a breeze!
Blocky: Or she'll find me, myself and I in prison registries!
Triangle: No, she must have a man whose crime records are squeaky clean.
Chorus: And we forgot to tell you that she's only seventeen!
Match: Omg, I've an idea! Let's get some guy who's, like, hot!
So the five of us express our jealousy right on the spot!
Triangle: Aw, sure that's a priority for first world girls like you,
But his looks shan't be important so an ugly guy will do.
Pencil: U wot?
Ruby: Chicken butt!
Sorry, I'm just trying to save you,
'Cause your father's very strict on rhyming,
But it's his behavio— Oh, nuts!
Triangle: Rhythmically, you're a klutz! We could all have paper cuts, so this new guy has all the guts just to say the word "what's" …
Pencil: Up! Up in status, aye, a guy 'o's really, really rich!
I don' care if 'e's a pritch or 'f 'e'll consider me a b—
Triangle: —uuuuut Pencil, don't you see? This is Kenya, nothing's free!
Now I want you off material things, oh, prithee please for me?
Pencil: Well, it's true thet all the good options 'ave gone, I wan' "but then",
Acos all the ones now're absolutely nothing c'pared to Pen!
Triangle: Well, to filter things down more a ton, religion plays a key,
So your date must be a Catholic to be like you and me.
Cyan Okina: A rare Hawaiian Catholic, or was it Protestant?
Topiary: I only go to this church to flirt with this flow'ry plant!
Yoylelight: Say, has this church changed, I'ven't been since '85!
Paper: I'll admit I now love OJ, but my love for you shall thrive.
Triangle: Oh come on, none of you men participate in mass activities?
Now I want someone who can be with STELLAR SENSITIVITIES!

[A blank screen.]

  • Pencil: Huh? Wot 'appened?
  • Triangle: It appears there's no guys in your age range who is also not very rich, not very handsome and not very participatory in church activities!
  • Pencil: Not thet, why we randomly broke inter song an' dance!
  • Ruby: What do you mean? Aside from getting kicked out nearly, that was fun! Let's do it again!
  • All: No!
  • Pencil: But out o' th', like, 'alf-a-million guys out there in Goiky right now? None o' 'em's fer me? [starts to cry] I told'ee I'm 'opeless! Pen's th' only one fer me an' I love'ee an' 'im only!
  • Triangle: Then off to … [gulps] private school you go!
  • Bubble: NOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIOIO!
  • Triangle: Relax. Okay, I have a confession to make. The whole private school thing was a fluke just to remind Pencil that … [Aside.] How do I explain this abruptly? [Aloud.] … she's just too privileged! I want her to experience the real world, the one that everyone's used to seeing!
  • Pencil: Oh … well thet settles everythin'! Come on guys, let's go!

[They all go back to their rooms.]

  • Triangle: [sighs] If I tell another lie like that, my invisible nose will be so long that VY Canis Majoris will be put to shame.[93][94]

Notes

  1. Just to prove that there was an alliance scene in the school, I am just adding random filler stuff happening.
  2. Primarily because Pencil is in AP Kenyan History and Book has Cove at a different period.
  3. "Main office" (Sw.)
  4. Oy vey, enough with the clothes talk! They're not humanised …
  5. Properly Tevet.
  6. Properly Dhul-Hijjah.
  7. The issues indicated from earlier would greatly reduce the problems already seen before.
  8. "Oh my god!" (Arabic)
  9. Both Lake Chad and the Aral Sea are shrinking more than they should.
  10. It would be Uzbekistana.
  11. Reverse racism, I think.
  12. Ten children born at the same time.
  13. … litary service.
  14. And thus begins the start of many hallucinations.
  15. From the opening chorus of Gilbert and Sullivan's Iolanthe.
  16. "I'm not failing this course for nothing!" (Sw.)
  17. Well, when there is a language like Newhili, what is there to say?
  18. It's not even signed
  19. I wonder if he would actually give his mouth to her … It has happened before, I believe.
  20. Kiburi (Sw., vanity) + zoid.
  21. "I wish I could understand you, but I can't!" (Vn.)
  22. "Just shut up so I can operate you!" (Vn.)
  23. As a reference that Pen is supposedly boring. III 0200
  24. "Ugh, you, the patient, are boring and not cooperate! I'll call your parents."
  25. "And did you know that the capital of Japan is Tokyo? Because I really have no idea." (Vn.)
  26. "My sister is so arrogant because she thinks that since she speaks the most English she is more superior than us. Well I tell her …" (Vn.)
  27. Verb tenses …
  28. It isn't a thousand, like the name suggests. More like four hundred.
  29. The Greek would be sarantopodarusa.
  30. The same Scissor from the club exposition!
  31. Not what you think.
  32. Also known as the unidentifiable voice from before.
  33. The following scene is taken from the previous episode.
  34. And thus begins the rivalry between the Alliance and Golf Ball.
  35. Must not explain her behaviours in BFDIA.
  36. Policy making you love the king or queen of a country.
  37. "Oh my God" (Belarusian)
  38. Something like this
  39. The best part about it is that is a real place in Kenya!
  40. "Hello" (Sw.)
  41. I have no idea what that symbolises here.
  42. "You do it first!"
  43. For your convenience.
  44. A silent/deadly-type mixture.
  45. Until now, I thought the Dodgers were actually a real present-day football team.
  46. Although if this were possible …
  47. Epsilon Circini is a dim star that can be seen from Kenya.
  48. "Aha! I see the ball! It must have fallen in the hands of this young boy. July 2! July 2! All of July 2 birthdays are becoming soldiers!" (Sw.)
  49. Draft balls … heh.
  50. 1,000,000 divided by 365 (And a leap year) is 2,738, minus Pen and the API is this.
  51. "Hello." (Norwegian)
  52. I actually laughed out loud at the original line: i am not a chair
  53. July 2 is International UFO Day.
  54. "Actually, your statistic is incorrect. This is because you do not know .274% of people, rather in real life .274% of the people here are born on a certain day." (Sp.)
  55. "Ah, you know, the Canary Islands, Arecibo, Arizona …" (Sp.)
  56. July 2 is also Police Day in Azerbaijan. As the manat is the national currency of Azerbaijan, it would make sense to make him a police officer.
  57. "This may or may not be illegal; Yoyleland I have to ask about it." (Azerbaijani)
  58. The colour's been drained from his face already!
  59. From the Swahili word busu (kiss).
  60. Kenya Air Force
  61. Bumiputera is a term in Malaysia that refers so a native Malay.
  62. Like everyone else.
  63. "Cadets" (=young soldiers, Sw.)
  64. So basically Pencil thinks she had this nightmare that really is reality.
  65. So what did happen to Match's family? Why, they all slept in Needle/Nelson's room!
  66. He really didn't.
  67. "You know what I mean." (Sw.)
  68. THIS IS
  69. Greek men between the ages of 19 and 45 must serve for nine months.
  70. /s
  71. Changed Triangle, Pencil and American teams to Aristotelis, Match and Canadian teams to make more sense: Pencil ain't no hockey fan, Triangle is Kenyan born an' bred and not Canadian.
  72. Except for a year before.
  73. No wonder he says "I can't afford to pay you all right now." XXI 0519
  74. As stated earlier, mzee is a term of respect in Swahili.
  75. "Much sentimental talk" (Sw.)
  76. "Hello." (Sw.)
  77. Family members, friends, etc.
  78. I am instantly reminded of this 1950 photo.
  79. "Shield" (Sw.)
  80. Starbucks always spells people's names wrong.
  81. It's called post-mortem photography. There is a Wikipedia page on it.
  82. An Army base in Kenya is named Camp Simba, so …
  83. He is named after a character in an old Japanese story.
  84. "Halt." (Ger.)
  85. "Stop." (Sw.)
  86. (Same thing in Ger.)
  87. (Same thing in Sw.)
  88. That was sort of a lie.
  89. Maths time!
    1,000,000 (number of people) ÷ 100 (ages) = 10,000.
    July 2 is the 183rd day of the year (1989 was a non-leap year), so it is after 50.14% of all days.
    10,000 × 50.14% = 5,014 (people born in 1989 conscripted)
    There is an equal number of men and women in Goiky, as well as a small proportion of transgenders.
    From this, let's say that 49.8% of Goiky is male, so 5,014 × 49.8% ≈ 2,497.
    As this is only for those born after the date in 1989, we can calculate the same number for those born in 1988, 1987, 1986 and 1985, which, of course, will be 2,497.
    Then we can assume that 10% of students stay back one year, 1% of students stay back two years, 0.1% of students stay back three years, etc.
    1988 births in the school have 250 conscripted, 1987 births have 25 and 1986 have 5.
    This adds up to a grand unofficial total of 2,777.
    It does not include those who volunteered to join, those who were forbidden to join, Sword's alliance who are clearly much older but still fighting with BFDI and the 5% of students who were able to skip one year.
  90. Out of the number of students at the school, which is 130,000.
  91. "Umoja High School" (Sw.)
  92. In Princess Ida, Hilarion (played by Pen last Kwanzajinawa season) saves Ida (played by Pencil) from her radical ideologies.
  93. Back then, VY Canis Majoris was considered the largest star.
  94. In other words, Triangle had to lie to make Pencil happy.
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