Once again, there are page space concerns from the second week. So here is the third, and hopefully last, part of Before BFDI, Week 2.

Before BFDI, a series by Yterbium1
Plot Synopsis (read this first!)
December 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 89 • 10 • 11 • 1213 • 14 • 15 • 1617 • 18 • 1920 • 21 • 22 • 23 • 2425 • 2627 • 28 • 2930 • 31January 1 and after
1 Red ones are coming sooner or later to a website near you. Most likely later.

A Clarification

Once again, I must apologise as I have offended someone somewhere, and I atone the fact that I made up those octadecillion word-long speech after one comment.

So, here is a clarification on certain topics after reading a complaint suggestion by a fellow OSFF-Wikian:

First of all, I'd like to thank Mapmaker024 for making it. (You should see it here!) I had no interest in making it myself, so I'm excited to see what will happen.
But in all seriousness, that post made me think. Was I being too weird in this?
First of all, let's start off with the footnotes. I use them as they help the reader know what's up, whether it be an obscure line or something in a different language, or just a short little personal anecdote.
But really, these have no standing in comparison to the little things. The first thing was "ethnics". Now, if it was meant to be "ethics", most object shows have at least one un-ethical factor in their work. (I cite thee, fifteen, as a prime example.) But judging by the context of it all, I'm rather sure it was ethnics, as in ethnicity and what not. So to start off, OBJECTS DON'T HAVE RACES! Wow. I think I just quoted some random hater. But it's still true. Objects have no races in the human sense of the word. This doesn't stop their races in their own sense, though. Match has the same race as her mum, but is different from her brothers'. However, they still have cultures and nationalities. Chikyuugi and Parthibee (both meaning Globe) may have different cultural traditions, whether it be Japanese or Bangladeshi. (I just noticed, however, that it was meant as racial complexities.) You may be asking yourself however, why are the Schreiber-Zapałkas Jewish if Judaism isn't restricted to one country?
That brings us to our next, and most controversial, topic, religion. Objects are allowed to have different faiths, basically. I recall going on DA (DeviantArt) one time two years ago and saw this, which, once more, raised a philosophical question in my head. I do take in mind that the SZ's are Jewish, Sword and the Triángolos are Catholic, Ruby's family is Buddhist, Bubble's family is Neo-Goikyan Polytheistical (even though there is nothing said of the others) and Book, while not a religion, is atheist.
We skip over to the next concern: language. Go to a major city near you. Even if it's in the middle of rural America/Britain, you may hear another language than your own being spoken. This is a common mistake I see in the majority of fanfics (with a few exceptions). I don't know if it's some type of xenophobia or cultural incomprehension, but the idea of all characters having the ability to speak English at a university-age level seems a bit off, except for the fact Baguette can only speak French and some bloke named Hot Sauce was almost in Inanimate Insanity II.
In conclusion, I have noted that many people unconsciously choose to be generally underrepresentative of the world around them, disallowing characteristics such as the complexities of ethnicity, religion and language, things that people discriminate mostly against. I do not include sexual orientation, even though I wanted to add a minor character coming out as gay. (But I may not do that anymore.) On the subject of diversity, I have seen no record in media about a Greek-Jewish-Canadian-Kenyan falling in love with a Brazilian-British-Kenyan, but it surely introduces the idea of diversity among characters. A character with a very clear-cut backstory is much more preferred than someone with a vague, unknown background, which is why fans tend to go for II characters like OJ rather than BFDI characters like Firey. In television shows, especially in the US, major characters are played by people of colour. But really, I just want people to think that there are more people outside their homogeneous communities instead of assuming that every single character is just the object version of an American Christian heterosexual male (even the female characters) or anyone else you are.

The Week

  • Pencil: Ah! [not looking] Sorry! I din't see you there!
  • Triangle: I didn't see you there, either!
  • Pencil: [looking up] Hey … y'looks somewot like me father.
  • Triangle: And you sort of look like my daughter … [about to go] But wait! My daughters are eight and four years old!
  • Pencil: But … it may not be! Me dad left ten years ago!

[Enter Book, Ruby and Bubble.]

  • Bubble: Hoiy, Pencil!
  • Ruby: Having fun?
  • Pencil: I'm very confused!
  • Book: Well, all you have to do is to multiply the leading coefficient with the constant and find the—
  • Pencil: Not thet confused! [Aside to them.] This guy seems extremely familiar, as if 'e's someone I know, but I jus' can't put me mind to who he's!
  • Triangle: [Aside.] For some reason, I think I may know the identity of the civilian girl who talked to me … Same accent, same personality, same voice …
  • Ruby: Maybe you should ask!
  • Bubble: We beloive in you!
  • Book: Barely, but we do!
  • PencilTriangle: Are you by any chance Colonel[1]Triángolo o' the Kenyan Army?Pencil Triángolo, 7 + 10 = 17 years, daughter of Estigua and Triangle, who also happens to be me?
  • Pencil: Aye, aye, aye! [silence] O … M … G … thet means you're me dad?
  • Triangle: And you're my daughter!
  • Pencil: DADDY! I can't believe it's'ee, after ten years o' military service!
  • Triangle: Yes, I've been demobilised after the Kenyan-Tanzanian War!
  • Pencil: Aye, we've miss'd you so much! I've so, like, many questions ter ask'ee right now!
  • Triangle: So do I … you've grown so much! What happened?
  • Pencil: Ten years! Ain't it amazin'!
  • Triangle: Umni gami rai nipo sasa?[2]
  • Pencil: I'm seventeen! An' I bet with yer age, yer Swahili 'asn't been mess'd up yet!
  • Triangle: Actually, it has, after a whole decade of non-stop English usage.
  • Pencil: Oh … I see. You barely changed! Not even a piece o'ee.
  • Triangle: Where's mum? And Needle?
  • Pencil: They're … somewhere. But come! Eat with us!
  • Triangle: Oh, I've been eating. #4 was the greatest feast of my life!
  • Pencil: Pepperoni pizza wit' extra cheese is a feast?
  • Triangle: Things change after ten years![3]
  • Pencil: I know, right?
  • Bubble, Ruby & Book: Yeah …
  • Triangle: So, Pencil. I'm interested. Tell me about your new high school.
  • Pencil: Well, 'igh school is amazin'! We never learn anythin', an' I've new bes' friends!
  • Triangle: Are Celestine and Doramu doing well?
  • Pencil: Oh, them? 'Aven't talked to since four years ago!
  • Triangle: Well—
  • Pencil: D'ye wan' ter meet me friends? 'Ere they are! So, first 'ere's Bubble …
  • Bubble: Hoiy! Poincil is a groit person, and she's the most poipular student in the whoile school!
  • Ruby: I'm Ruby. My sisters probably have seen you; they go to gem school.
  • Triangle: Yes, the school is right next to the base.
  • Ruby: Yeah, Pencil is the nicest girl ever! She only made, like, three people cry this semester. [Triangle laughs.]
  • Triangle: Ah, classic Pencil. You know, her Grade 2 teacher told me that she would always tell the other kids in the class to shut the—
  • Pencil: O-kay, next up's Book!
  • Book: I am Book, and I do not have anything really honestly nice to say about Pencil, but … asante kwa huduma yako.[4]
  • Triangle: Thank you kwa msaada wako.[5]
  • Book: [Aside.] His Swahili's kind of rusted—
  • Pencil: Shh! 'E's forgotten'e from the war!
  • Book: But—
  • Pencil: I don' care, jus' be nice!
  • Triangle: So, Pencil, as you are now that age, and that you are extremely popular in school, do you have a boyfriend … or a girlfriend … Are you dating anyone?
  • Pencil: Aye, I am!
  • Triangle: May I see him?
  • Pencil: PEN, COME MEET ME DAD FOR THE FIRST TIME! [He does not come] Strange! 'E's always listenin' to other people's commands. Like me!
  • Triangle: Runs in the family.

45. Central room

Scene: Pen is walking around the room, listening to people's controversies.[6]

  • Match: Why am I following you?
  • Pen: Well, because you're following me!
  • Match: Why am I following you?
  • Pen: I'll show you!
  • Match: Why am I following you?
  • Pen: So we can stop people from offending the many cultures of Kenya!
  • Match: Why am I following you?
  • Pen: You're Jewish too! So I can use you as evidence there're more cultures in Kenya than—
  • Match: I still, like, have no idea what you're talking about.

[They stop, when they see Trailer, Bonnie Blue and Capirote.]

  • Trailer: And so I say, why don't ya put 'im on the table and hang a Somamamamamalian flag on 'im! For the arony!
  • Bonnie Blue[7]: Bitter yit, hang the Bonnie Blue flag … [breaks into song] … that bears a single star!
  • Capirote: That is so true. But these here tarnations need more bwotter. And pig feet!
  • Tarnation: I have sentience, y'hear? [runs away] Fleeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
  • Capirote: Oh!
  • Bonnie Blue: This don't happen in Appalachia!
  • Trailer: Whatever. I'm just mighty well satisfied this is the greatest Christmas party in Africa. And that says a lo—
  • Pen: Excuse me, did you all say Christmas party?[8]
  • Bonnie Blue: Yis.
  • Trailer: Got a problem with it?
  • Pen: No, it's just this: [sits down] Half of the world's population is here at this moment, and I don't want to hear a word of you insulting anyone's creed, religion, faith, beliefs or cults.
  • Match: Oh, brother.[9]
  • Capirote: Who d'ya think you are, tellin' us what to do? You know we can't be tolerant! Or multicultural! Or nice! But you jus' come here, and try to change your views!

[They get up]

  • Pen: [very scared] W-w-well, if that's what you want, then you may call this a Christmas party as many a time as you want!
  • Bonnie Blue: And that's right, no matter how handsome you are, how old are ya? Y'look forty but don't seem a day over than—
  • TrailerCapirote: BB
  • Pen: Bibi … isn't that a Swahili term?

[They look at each other.]

  • TrailerCapirote: Bonnie.
  • Pen: That's much better … for you people. [He immediately covers his mouth after saying that.]
  • Trailer: Oh, it's on like ba-donk-a-donk! [The three try to attack Pen, whilst Match is in the background laughing.]
  • Match: Omg! That is totes hilar.
  • Pen: Match, help! You know I morally can't fight!
  • Bonnie Blue: Who that?[10] Your girlfriend?
  • Pen: No, she's my sister!
  • Bonnie Blue: So … your girlfriend?
  • Trailer/Capirote: Bonnie!
  • Match: No, you wściekłe psy![11]
  • Capirote: [horrified] I had no idea what that meant … but it sounded like it was in a [censored] language! Git 'em!
  • Match: Why am I following you? I can fight for you! [She fights them. They finally end and retreat to the back of the room.]
  • Pen: Good job, Match! What happened?
  • Match: I. Saved. Your. Life!
  • Pen: I know, but what happened?
  • Match: [who is, like, in total gossip mode] Well, I fought them, and then they told me "you [like] fight like one of them warriors from the poor countries" which, like, totally, made me want to fight a lot more considering, like, the fact that I got so, like, totally offended and [censored] so then I replied that you're Greek and I'm, like, totally Polish, so then they insulted you by saying "Call Zeus! Call Podeison![12] Call one of those Mayan pagan gods![13]"[14] and then they insulted me by yelling basically gibberish at me, and so, like, I hit the weird hat one in the bosoms, like, nearly four cogidubnillion times and then the weird car thing and finally the one that had a crush on, like, you for some reason I can't explain, but she was, like, totally acting like every other girl in Kenya. STYHI[15], I finally saved your life! Now will you do me a favour and not tell this to Pencil? I really don't, like, want her to know that I care for you!
  • Pen: Sure, whate—
  • Capirote: Hey! The fight ain't over yet! We still gotta take it to the livin' room!
  • Bonnie Blue: Where everyone can see us!
  • Match: Isn't it, like, two thousand people there?
  • Bonnie Blue: How should I know, I never learned to count higher than eighty-three! [Pen laughs quietly] Well it's true! 1, Δ, 3, H, 18, 쩉, Щ, dijonnaise, 之, 83!
  • Pen: That's not really counti—
  • Bonnie Blue: [faux-gentiment[16]] Shut up, my boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy …
  • Match: Omg, can we not fight anymore? My legs are getting tired and I really can't stand fighting for someone as opposed to avenging someone, so can we, like, not?
  • Trailer: Appalachian rules!
  • Capirote: Y'tired? Y'wanna clean some toilets?[17]
  • Match: Oh that, like, tears it! [She fights them, once more, opening the door.]

46. Living room

Scene: Pencil, Triangle and some of the alliance. Also, Estigua.[18]

  • Estigua: Oh, meu soldado galante voltou![19]
  • Triangle: Thanks … for the last, like, twelve times you said it already!
  • Estigua: Venha para o meu quarto, para que possamos conversar em particular![20]
  • Triangle: Following you, then! [he follows her across the crowds]

[The door is seen locked.]

  • Estigua: Oh, não se preocupe. Há algumas crianças que assistem televisão.[21]
  • Triangle: I know the perfect trick! KIDS, COME OUT, WE HAVE COOKIES!
  • Pin: [from inside] Later! Like 25 minutes! Or millenn—
  • Sword: [breaks the door] Oh boy, cookies! See y' later, [censored]!
  • Plaster of Paris: Voulez-vous me résoudre ce problème, monsieur?[22]
  • Triangle: Oui, s'il vous plaît.[23]
  • Estigua: Nunca soube que você poderias falar catalão![24]
  • Triangle: Of course! It is rather ironic, that, after ten years of only speaking English, have I learned all the sufficiently needed laguages to communicate with the world.[25] And thus, I can do this! Trẻ em, có phở trong nhà bếp![26]

[Exeunt all Pins. Enter Estigua and Triangle into the room. Pencil watches from afar.]

  • Needle: Hey, Pencil! Why're you standing from mum's door?
  • Pencil: Y'missed'e! Dad returned!
  • Needle: No way; you must be joking!
  • Pencil: Not at all! Lis'n!
  • Triangle: [in the room] … I mean, I haven't seen Needy or your other child yet!
  • Needle: Oh yeah! When I was younger, Dad was the only one who could call me Needy!
  • Pencil: Well, Needy—
  • Needle: [slaps] Don't call me Needy!
  • Estigua: … Well, are you still concerned about our eldest's dating habits?
  • Needle: Umm … Pencil? I don't think those are mum and dad.
  • Pencil: Wot makes'ee think thet? Y'can barely recognise our dad from ten years o' war, but mum'll always be the same! Basically the voice o' Marilyn Monroe playin' Aphrodite an' speaks Portuguese.
  • Needle: Then why is she speaking English?
  • Pencil: Wot? [she listens]
  • Estigua: You're perfect. And to think that I could have talked to you all those years …
  • Pencil: Aaaaah! Mum's speakin' English!
  • Needle: The horror of a foreign language!
  • Pen: Hey, girls!
  • Pencil: Ah! Oh, it's jus' you.
  • Pen: Does there seem to be a problem around here?
  • Pencil: Aye, there is. Me mum is speakin' English!
  • Pen: Does she have the Brazilian accent still?
  • Pencil: No, it's all Kenyan!
  • Pen: Why … who … how?
  • Pencil: I suddenly remember thet mum speaks English only when Dad's around!
  • Pen: Your dad's back?
  • Pencil: Aye, 'e is! Please meet'e after they all speak English!
  • Pen: Sure thing! [going] Wait!
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Pen: What branch of the military's your dad coming from?
  • Pencil: Army, wh—
  • Pen: Thanks, bye! [goes on his phone/narrating actions allowed][27]. Q … advice … "My girlfriend's socially conservative father returned from the Army of Kenya and I need some help giving a good impression to him." Send.
  • Pencil: Ooh, an update! [checks phone, looks at Pen] Really? "Socially conservative?"
  • Pen: Y'said he wouldn't let you watch TV until you were ten!
  • Pencil: Thet was me mum! … I think.

[awkward silence]

  • Pen: I kind of expected this series of Queddit posts to be like in a romance film, where, like—
  • Needle: Shh, they're getting out!

[The door is opened]

  • Triangle: Hey, kids! Why do you all look so worried?
  • Pencil: We heard our mum speakin' English!
  • Needle: The Anglicised language!
  • Estigua: Okay, okay, I admit it! I speak English, I SPEAK ENGLISH, I SPEAK ENGLISH, I SPEAK ENGLISH!!!![28]
  • Bauhinia: That is the strangest thing I have heard all day.
  • Shamrock: Yeah, and it's stranger than the time when Old Man Rephyns went up to Cousin Urblety and put him self in it—
  • Bauhinia: And he was yelling "I'M IN YOU! I'M BEING PLACED INSIDE OF YOU!"
  • Shamrock: Good times.

[Meanwhile, Pen is introducing himself to Triangle.]

  • Pen: Jam-bough[29][30], you must be Pencil's father, Mzee[31] Triangle.
  • Triangle: Indeed I am. [They shake hands.[32]]
  • Pen: As it is customary in Kenya to give gifts to the host, I brought sugar! [shows a sugar cube]
  • Triangle: Sir, you are holding your sugar cubes in your left hand. It is a fact that in our culture to give with our right hand!
  • Pencil: Dad, 'e don't know better. 'E's from Canada.
  • Triangle: Canada, eh? That is a very interesting place, sir.
  • Pen: Yeah … er … Pencil, can I talk to you for a sec?

[They go to the corner of the room, where they think they don't meet him.]

  • Pencil: Why're'ee actin' so strange?
  • Pen: I'm about to have contact with the paternal figure in your family! Do you have any idea how terrified I am?
  • Pencil: Not at all. Jus' be yourself.
  • Pen: But he was in the Army … for ten years! That's, like, a whole decade! I have no idea how to address him or pay due respects to him, or respond to the amount of times he called me sir!
  • Pencil: Jus' be respectful back to 'e. I'm sure'ee heven't 'eard about our milit'ry.
  • Pen: I know, I know …
  • Pencil: An' I'm sure'ee heven't seen a soldier at all!
  • Pen: That's true! Go on—
  • Pencil: An' y'know wot I'm most sure 'bout 'ee?
  • Pen: What?
  • Pencil: You've probably ne'er 'eard o' them because y'thought y'was too low class for'ee an' yer family.
  • Pen: That is so true.
  • Pen: [nearly in tears] Y … yes, sir!
  • Pencil[33]: Then go an' get 'e, 'ousecat.
  • Pen: Wait, I'm a housecat?
  • Pencil: In my eyes, I think you're too weak to be a tiger.
  • Pen: Well, you're a—
  • Wasup: [from far away] Magic show! Magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic—
  • Wasup: No!
  • Book: [quietly] Darn it …
  • Wasup: Aside from that RUDE INTERRUPTION, come one, come all, to Wasup's Magic Show! [everyone cheers] It starts in ten minutes.

47. Front of the party room

Scene: Book meets with the rest of the alliance.

  • Bubble: Can you beloive that gouy? He's making such annoying noises!
  • Ruby: Even more annoying was the one who yelled at him to shut up.
  • Book: That was me.
  • Ruby: Really? [awkward silence] Well it still was annoying.
  • Pencil: 'Ey, guys! Wanna see Pen talk to me dad?
  • Book: We actually have better things to do than watch a typical Canadian—
  • Pencil: I ne'er asked fer yer opinion, Book!
  • Ruby: Yeah!
  • Pencil: Anyway, we'll watch'e totally 'umiliate 'imself in fron' o' me dad!
  • Book: Yes, let us do it!

[They peek from behind this place.]

48. Living room

Scene: Pen talks to Triangle casually.

  • Triangle: So, sir, do you have any siblings at home?
  • Pen: Yes, I do! One of them is in jail and the other is fighting these "missionaries" from Appalachia.
  • Match: [in the background, while fighting] I'll get, like, you all for insulting the Poles and the Jews!
  • Trailer: Who cares about bein' nice?

[Back to main scene.]

  • Triangle: That is in America, right, sir?
  • Pen: Yes, it is.
  • Triangle: So your brother is in jail and the other is attacking proselytisers.[34]
  • Pen: Yes.
  • Triangle: It's yes, sir, sir.
  • Pen: Sorry … sir.
  • Triangle: Very well then. Take note of that, Colonel Triangle.
  • Pen: Who, sir?
  • Triangle: No, I was just talking to myself.
  • Pen: I know, but what's a "Colonel"? Is that, like, popcorn, sir?
  • Triangle: Oh, no, it's a military position …

49. That Corner

Scene: Pencil, Bubble, Ruby and Book are spying on Pen and Triangle's conversation.

  • Book: Really, he does not know what a colonel is?
  • Ruby: It's even funnier considering how last Kwanzajinawa season, he played Colonel Fairfax in The Yeomen of the Guard! [They all laugh]
  • Pencil: I was Elsie!
  • Book: We know.
  • Bubble: Oi bet Mrs. Choimbe would be soio cringing right now at this!
  • Ruby: And speaking of Mrs. Chembe …

[Enter Mrs. Chembe, stealthily.]

  • Mrs. Chembe: Hey, girls!
  • Ruby: Hello, Mrs. Chembe!
  • Mrs. Chembe: Did you do your homework for my class?
  • All: No.
  • Book: Actually, I did my homework.
  • Mrs. Chembe: I've decided to give you all the extra credit for deciding to come and meet with me after school.
  • Pencil: 'Ey, d'ye know Pen don't know wot a colonel is?
  • Mrs. Chembe: [laughing uncontrollably] Ha-ha! Tell him he can't—
  • Wasup: [from far away] Magic show! Magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic—
  • Wasup: You can't stop me!
  • Mrs. Chembe: Well, looks like I better help out with the magic show!

[Exit Mrs. Chembe.]

  • Bubble: Well, what are we woiting for? Let's soi the magic show and get front royow seats!
  • Pencil: I'm rather sure me perpetual presence 'ere'll accoun' to our needs; we live 'ere!
  • Wasup: Magic show! Magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic magic—
  • Wasup: Security?
  • Sword: I got it.

[He drags Man and throws him out.]

50. Match's perspective

Scene: Match is still fighting the Southern gang[35], until …

  • Sword: [voice echoing through Match's head[36]] I got it. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
  • Bonnie Blue: Well, you're a dirty rotten nobody from the heathe—
  • Match: Like, shut up and listen! It's Sword.
  • Match: And for, like, the 75th time, I'm in love! [She runs to Sword]

51. Real life

Scene: Time is resumed into the real world. When Match is seen chasing after Sword[37], the cameras buzz with excitement.

  • Newscasters: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …
  • Pencil: Match, come back 'ere! I'm delight'd you're safe, but on this chair!
  • Match: Like, don't tell me what to do! [intimately] I love you I love you I love you I love you …
  • Bubble: Should woi—
  • Pencil: Aye, we—
  • Book: Ruby, do you
  • Ruby: Pencil does—
  • Bubble: Okoy.
  • Book: Okay.
  • Ruby: Okay.
  • Sword: Gods of BFDI, get this girl off me! And I won't say please, for You do not answer whenever I do.
  • Match: [sighs] Fine.

[With the alliance, of which Match has joined.]

  • Match: Sorry that I—
  • Pencil: I told'ee—
  • Book: I would have—
  • Ruby: Do you—
  • Bubble: Of coirse—
  • Ruby: Well, Severed—
  • Book: I thought that—
  • Ruby: It's fine when I say it, to be honest. [They all laugh]
  • Auris Intercisus: [whispering creepily behind Bubble] How … much … wood … could … a … wood … chuck … chuck … if … a … wood … chuck … could … chuck … wooooooooooooooo— [gets pushed away by Book and Ruby]
  • Book: [answering in a similar way] The … internet … exists … for … a … reason …
  • Wasup: Hey hey, enough of this [censored].

[All the kids cry and run out of the audience as angered parents follow. All except for Pin and her friends.]

  • Wasup: Yes, run along children! This show, after all, is going to be inappropriate for you people!
  • Triangle: If it's inappropriate, I will have to cover all of your eyes!
  • Pencil: Dad!
  • Triangle: Sorry, but you must! You do not want to be exposed to what is going to be on the stage right now.
  • Wasup: And now, for the first act! First, I will remove my hat. [he does so] Next, I want all of you to say the magic word with me. A—
  • All: [joining in] —bracadabra! [out of nowhere, a blinding green light comes out of nowhere.[38] It hits a window.]
  • Wasup: You numbskulls, that's not the magic word! It was ahchoo! obrocodobro I was looking for! Good night, everybo—
  • Container: Hold it, hold it right there!
  • Wasup: [Aside.] What now?
  • Container: You promised 'em a show in the name of BFDI! Now do you want to give it to 'em, or what?
  • Wasup: What!
  • Container: I ain't gonna help you on th' next one, so just trust in your heart, all the charcoal-filled, poison berried, chemical-ridde—
  • Wasup: [stoically] Objects don't have hearts.
  • Container: Just hear me this one time: There will be a magic show, or else!
  • Wasup: 'R'else what?
  • Container: The gods of BFDI are plotting their revenge!
  • Wasup: Whatever. Then let's put on a show!

[Fake applause]

  • Wasup: Alright, everyone! My last trick has suddenly gone wrong, so I've decided to change it.
  • Football: [running across the room wearing a rabbit's costume] We put the bunny wabbit out of the hat!
  • Wasup: Pipe down, or your bunny wabbit will get out of your …
  • Ruby: This is the greatest magic show ever!
  • Bubble: And it's the woirdest one, toio!
  • Triangle: This may also be the last one you girls may ever see. [Pencil groans a little] Well it's true; ain't my children going to run on this 4-star attainment level!
  • Book: [Aside.] Four stars?
  • Match: Omg!

[Everyone is laughing as a strange French-type burlesque between Wasup and Football is engaged. Container watches furiously.]

  • Container: Okay, THAT TEARS IT! These people came for a show in the name of BFDI, and you will get it all! [pointing out individual people] You get a show! And you get a show! And you get a show! Everybody gets a show!
  • Wasup: Sure thing, Oprah. Now give me a volunteer from the audience!
  • Ruby: What's the magic word?
  • Wasup: [kawaiku[39]] "Ahchoo! Obrocodobro"?
  • Ruby: No, pl—
  • Wasup: Under BFDI law, we are not allowed to say that forbidden word. Now go up there!
  • Ruby: Never! I am not going to stand up there under people who think speaking without manners is a part of normality!
  • Wasup: It is!
  • Ruby: Y'know what? I think I ought'a—
  • Book: Ruby, I think I should do the "meh-jyuk" trick.
  • Wasup: And we have a volunteer!
  • Book: You will pay me for this, right?
  • Wasup: No! Just state the most magical poem you can think of!
  • Book: I have never thought that this day would come!
  • Wasup: It wouldn't … just … just say!
  • Book: [deep breaths] O tempora, O mores! Senatus haec intellegit. Consul videt, hic tamen vivit. Vivit? Immo vero etiam in senatum venit, fit publici consili particeps. Notat et designat oculis ad caedem unum quemque nostrum. Nos autem fortes viri facere reipublicae videmur, si istius furorem ac tela vitemus. Ad mortem te, Catilina, duci iussu consulis iam pridem oportebat, in te conferri pestem, quam tu in nos omnes iam diu machinaris.
  • Wasup: Nice job, but can you say it again?
  • Book: O tempora, o mores! Senatus haec intellegit. Consul videt, hic tamen vivit. Vivit? Immo vero etiam in senatum venit, fit publici consili particeps. Notat et designat oculis ad caedem unum quemque nostrum. Nos autem fortes viri satis facere reipublicae videmur, si istius furorem ac tela vitemus. Ad mortem te, Catilina, duci iussu consulis iam pridem oportebat, in te conferri pestem, quam tu in nos omnes iam diu machinaris.
  • Wasup: Again, again!
  • Book: O tempora, o mores— Okay, I give up. What is going on?
  • Wasup: Nothing.[40] You may sit down now!
  • Book: Yes. [Aside to the Alliance] That was not real magic, everyone. Nothing happened!
  • Ruby: Maybe nothing appeared to happen.
  • Book: It is very doubtful.
  • Bubble: You knoiow, I'm starting to doibt that this moigic show is real!
  • Pencil: I think they're frauds, from the cult o' BFDI! Wot'ye think, dad?
  • Triangle: They certainly aren't from our Natural Party.
  • Match: I'm, like, thinking, "Omg! There is no way I could miss this!"
  • All: It's Sword, isn't it?
  • Match: No, not just him … and his glorious, wonderful, amazing, sowicie atrakcyjne[41]
  • Book: I am rather sure that those are all the same things; even the Polish words!
  • Match: They are, and they all describe … Swooooooooord. [about to faint, but Triangle helps her out] Like, where was I? Oh yeah. The air here has a strange vibe, as if there is something that is keeping us from getting out.
  • Ruby: Like Auris's canal! I love that—
  • Match: I mean, like, if we go, there will be great emotional trauma.
  • Pin: Wow, Match, thet's the most poetic thing 'ee've says all day!
  • Match: I have, like, my moments.
  • Bubble: Then let's get oit! [They struggle to get out, but they are stuck to the seats.]
  • Ruby: Haha, that was what was keeping us from going!
  • Match: This is seriously a sticky situation! [realising] But wait! These chairs never, like, had any glue on them.
  • Pencil: Aye, or else mum'll get traumatised an' dad'll get diatarache meta-carecla stress.[42] Or thet's wot Pen says.
  • Triangle: Wow! You know Pen so much you probably remember everything he said!
  • Pencil: I know! It's in me very own audiobook!
  • Triangle: You really love him, don't you!
  • Pencil: 'E's me everythin'.
  • Ruby: Omg!
  • Pencil: Aye, I know thet I'm lovely, bu—
  • Ruby: Look! Nelson's volunteering!
  • Triangle: He looks a lot like Needy!
  • Needle: That's because he's your son!
  • Triangle: Bless my heart, I never knew I had a son!
  • Book: Shh, he is on stage!
  • Wasup: And now, I shall make this young boy disappear!
  • All: Ooooooooooh!
  • Pencil: [Aside.] I've a bad feelin' 'bout'e.
  • Wasup: Will someone say the magic words with me? Oh! How about you, young male steel thingy.
  • Nelson: [condescended-feeling] Fine. Abraca—
  • Wasup: [all panicky] No, no! Not those magic words! (That gives me my lunch.) You must say "ahchoo! obrocodobro"!
  • Nelson: [not co-operating[43]] A-chu-o-bo-lo-ko-do-bo-lo-go-neh-cho-toi-yo-chu-nyu-mi-too-kfe-tna-nde-kung-grawawawawawawawawawawawa—
  • Wasup: Alright, that's enough. Now audience members who hate BFDI …
  • Man: [loudly] We do!
  • Wasup: It is now your responsibilities to say the magic words! Ready? Three! Two! O—

[Everyone just says random things.]

  • Wasup: No, NO, NO, NO!! I want you all to say "ahchoo! obrocodobro", but instead, you give me this completely nonsensical [censo—
  • All: Ahchoo! Obrocodobro! [nothing happens]
  • Nelson: I didn't go anywhere.
  • Wasup: Then everyone must tell me something about the identity of this … boy.
  • Triangle: [getting up] I must tell them—
  • Pencil: No, please stay! They may get you as well!
  • Sword: [quietly to the others] I know that person. He is el hermano de la mejor amiga de mi acosador[44]
  • Rainbow Pen: As do I. I flirted with his friends!
  • Sword: He has friends your age?
  • Rainbow Pen: No, I flirted with friends the age of him!
  • Sword: Why? You sick little—
  • Rainbow Pen: I couldn't help it! And they couldn't speak English so I took advantage of that.

[At once, all pins and their friends exit the audience into the kitchen, first by strolling out then later into flat-out sprinting.]

  • Sword: You're disturbing the inferno out of me right now.
  • Wasup: [to Nelson] So as I've heard from everyone else here, you know Rainbow Pen!
  • Nelson: Sure, by third degree— [pretending not to act smart] I mean, goo-goo-ga-ga-po-ker-face!
  • Wasup: [Aside.] This boy is too annoying. But I know the perfect trick!
  • Rafflesia: Umm, to whom are you talking to? For what I observe, you're neither talking to us nor your subject!
  • Wasup: Amamamamamamamamamam … ignore everything you heard! [voice getting calmer] Just close your eyes, tightly … tightly … tightly … thaaaaaat's it— HEY!!!! I SAID CLOSE YOUR EYES, DO YOU EVEN HEAR? [they do, whoever "they" is] Theeeeeere …
  • Container: [Aside.] Riddy?
  • Iron: Ready I am.
  • Wasup: You get the boy, I'll get the ladder.
  • Diamond: The laddddder, or the latttttter? 'Cause I thought-a was the same-a thing!
  • Sword: Yadda yadda yadda, we have to go!

[Exeunt omnes.]

  • Match: [with eyes still closed] Sword, I'm coming toward you no matter what!
  • Neon Jacket: Hold on. Can't get past security! Unless you give me some shillings.
  • Match: [opens eyes] I'm poor, dosh garnet![45]
  • Pen: Actually, as the chief of security, having been personally appointed by the hostess herself, I believe that she should go!
  • Match: Yeah! I agree with Pen, and I never do!
  • Neon Jacket: Fine, just get outta' here.

[Exit Match running after Sword.]

  • Neon Jacket: [to Pen] You, chief of security? You don't even look like you can kick someone out of the house politely!
  • Triangle: Right? That's exactly what I was thinking! [They laugh, heartily.]
  • Neon Jacket: Ah, virility jokes.
  • Pencil: [Aside.] Well, this is real' uncomfortable.
  • Book: Right? But I know your father will win the fight with your "bae".

[Awkward silence.]

  • Bubble: Hey, how aboit we foillow the croywd? [Everyone else appears to leave.]
  • Pencil: Aye, let's get out o' 'ere!
  • Ruby: Hooray for peer pressure!

[Exeunt Pencil, Ruby, Book and Bubble.]

  • Triangle: So, how many touchdowns have you made during your football season?
  • Pen: Umm— please excuse me … whilst I let people in …

[Exit Pen rapidly.]

  • Triangle: So zero?
  • Neon Jacket: Just as I thought.
  • Triangle: He's so not fit to court with my daughter. I mean he is fit enough to, kama[46], join our Kenyan forces, but—
  • Neon Jacket: What's courting?[47]
  • Triangle: [Aside.] I forgot, it's 2007, and years of warfare … [Aloud.] It's, kama, like … [makes hand gestures that I'd rather not replicate here]
  • Neon Jacket: Oh! [They both laugh]

[Enter Pencil, Book, Ruby and Bubble.]

  • Pencil: 'Ey, dad! Wot were'ee laughin' 'bout?
  • Triangle: [hiding] Kama, we were just joking about particle acceleration and quantum physics!
  • Neon Jacket: Yes, we love to accelerate those particles and physical quantities!
  • Book: Oh my gosh! I love PAQP! Did you ever hear the news about how there was this new way to see through our cells?[48] They tested it with a[49]
  • Triangle: It was one of those salsa wafers, right?
  • Book: No, it was a butterly!
  • Neon Jacket: See, that's just how much we know about quantum mechanics!
  • Bubble: Well, I guess we'll joist loive you three togoither and toilk aboit that boiring stuff.
  • Pencil: Wait! We still 'ave to tell! Dad, the magic's not real.
  • Triangle: We know that already.
  • Neon Jacket: We could tell by quantum physics and particle accelerelerelerelerelation!
  • Ruby: The magic was really just stage magic, but even then it was bad.
  • Bubble: And oilso, we knoyow thos people!
  • Pencil: Aye, they ain't magicians. They're sort o' like a gang, an' each an' ev'ry one o' them 'ave some affiliation to BFDI! Wot they do's kidnap young children an' destroy their lives to brainwash 'em inter believin' in BFDI! Ev'rythin' I says's true, 'xcept fer thet las' bit.
  • Triangle: So like what they did to my son?
  • Pencil: Aye. An' another thing … it's Nelson, not Myson.
  • Neon Jacket: Are you going to save him? He is your son, and he is going to worship the gods of BFDI if you don't.
  • Triangle: [gets up] No child of mine will claim BFDI over the Triángolo loyalty!

[Exit Triangle the same way as the Pandilla.]

  • Pencil: You can do'e, dad!
  • Book: No, he can not.
  • Pencil: Stop bein' so negative, Book!

52. Outside[50]

Scene: Pen is letting people in the door.

  • Pen: [conversing with the crowd as they walk in] Y'know, it's kind of weird how everyone just left after the magic show.
  • Pen: Ow! You're even louder than my girlfriend! And her fits are common!
  • Stereo System: DOES THAT MEAN I CAN GO IN?
  • Pen: Yeah, yeah, sure, just go in … ow …
  • Voice: Need some help? [Aside.] Oh wait. Rich people don't help others.
  • Pen: [Aside.] Yeah, amateur. [looks up, and sees OJ carrying an umbrella and is wearing a top hat and monocle] Oh, hey Antonio.[52][53]

53. Kitchen

Scene: Directly after the mentioning of Mrs. Chembe. She is talking to her fellow professors about what happened a few minutes ago.

  • Mrs. Chembe: It's true! And they probably have him in one corner of the room, trying to fight all eight or seven or whatever of them—
  • Mrs. Tannenbaum: And he probably fought them all!
  • Mrs. Imamura: Well … you know what they say! It's always good to fight a gang, but not fight in general! [silence] I am a pacifist.

[Enter Pencil and the alliance.]

  • Pencil: 'Ey Mrs. Chembe! I'd no h'idea thet you an' th' other professors gossip'd!
  • Bubble: We thoight you stoyed in the faculty loinge!
  • Ruby: And ate cookies and shared, like, exactly seven jokes!
  • Mrs. Chembe: [covering her tracks] Oh! We weren't gossiping.
  • Book: Okay, then.

54. Outside

Scene: Basically the same time before Mrs. Chembe and the teachers and the alliance. So just, like, skip scene 53 if you really have to.

  • Pen: Trying out for Ruddigore next season?
  • OJ: Nay, Giuseppe, I'm rich now!
  • Pen: That's good to hear … when pertaining to your standards. Also, Sword was Giuseppe; I was Marco.
  • Binchana: Polo!
  • House of the Triángolos[54]: You just lost the game.

[All of a sudden, a long cycle of "I lost the game" occurs.]

  • Pen: Er, so anyways, you said you were rich.
  • OJ: Yes. Even richer than you!
  • Pen: I know. We've become poor all because of BFDI.
  • OJ: Actually, I have confession to make. I was the cause of it.
  • Pen: What?
  • OJ: So you know Less Than Sign?
  • Pen: Sure …
  • OJ: As she recently took your father's position in Oggezsco, she is now supplying the whole music department of our school!
  • Pen: How exactly does that benefit me?
  • OJ: Well for one thing, 100% of her profits go straight to the nineteenth xylophonist in our orchestra.
  • Pen: Which is …
  • OJ: Me! So I'm richer than everyone in the whole world now!
  • Pen: [extremely envious] Cool story, bro.
  • OJ: Actually, call me "lord".[55]
  • Pen: Cool story, Lord OJ?
  • OJ: Lord Orange Juice.
  • Mandala: Can you hurry up? This Bodhi Day[56] festival is the party of the year; everyone is having going!
  • OJ: Actually, for your informatory inflammation[57] … it's a Christmas party.
  • Pen: Actually, it's a holiday party for all world religions; try to be more inclusive, eh?
  • OJ: But—
  • Tughra: I was thinking this a preparation for Muharram?
  • Binchana: Or Trayodashi?

[Lots of arguing. Pen surrenders at about three seconds after everyone.]

  • Darwinfish[58]: Oh boy, a religious fight!
  • Euroipod: [with sarcasm] Haven't seen that before.

54. Attic

Scene: The Pandilla is going to mind control Nelson, but instead try to go in a different direction.

  • Nelson: Huh? Why are we up here? Is this part of the trick?
  • Diamond: Silence, child!

[Several people place him in a chair as they tie him with a rope.]

  • Nelson: This is hurting me!
  • Sword: We don't care, we don't care, we don't care.
  • Iron: That us you're with the important thing is.
  • Nelson: Okay.
  • Wasup: Have you got the blowtorch, Container?
  • Container: Got it!
  • Nelson: What on earth is going on?
  • Football: Well, we were going to brainwash you into BFDI, but instead we decided—
  • Sword: Football, you're supposed to announce the plan right after we kill him!
  • Football: Sorry! They don't call me the "Socially Awkward One" for nothing!
  • Nelson: Kill me? You mean, take me and dispose and, like, get rid of the likes of me forever and ever? You do realise it's not possible!
  • Container: Nonsense, boa.
  • Sword: Who wants to take the blowtorch?
  • Bolt: Me!
  • Sword: And who wants to write "BFDI rules" on his innards?[59]
  • Diamond: You know, I think we should-a all do d'it together!
  • Iron: Tots junts![60]
  • Nelson: HELP! HELP! MSAADA![61]
  • Sword: Hey, where's Ceibo? He should watch this execution!
  • Ceibo: I'm on guard, imbécil[62]!
  • Bolt: Well you can reply nicer.
  • Ceibo: I can't reply any nicer when someone's coming up!

[Triangle is sprinting up the stairs.]

  • Nelson: Ooh, I hope they'll save me!

[View from downstairs, everyone looks up suspiciously.]

  • Football: We're already quite unpopular.

[Enter Triangle, followed by a really love-struck Match.]

  • Match: But can I, like, please fight with you? I'll be with Sword the same time!
  • Triangle: Sure thing. The more, the merrier!
  • Sword: [hiding behind Container] Oh great, it's her again.
  • Triangle: What have you done to my son?
  • Nelson: [on the other side of the room, aside.] Son? He has a son?
  • Sword: [tense] Which son?
  • Triangle: Which son, sir, and it's Nelson, so I've been, kama, told.
  • Nelson: Oh my upholstery, I'm over here!
  • Sword: We have done nothing, sir.
  • Triangle: From my decade of service, I've never heard such [censored] from anyone except you, all eight of you, actually! Sword, Ceibo, Diamond, Soccer Ball, Football, Bolt, Container and … Private Montserrat?
  • Iron: Me whom he's talking about it is definitely not!
  • Sword: Wait, Private Montserrat? You're Kenyan, Iron?
  • Iron: Yes, and in the armed forces I even served.
  • Triangle: For only three days! He was dishonourably discharged.
  • Container: For what?
  • Triangle: Distributing political propaganda.
  • Iron: Really benevolent it was!
  • Triangle: Even in 1999, you and your BFDI was in your presence at all times.
  • Ceibo: I have a confession to make, actually. I'm not Argentinian. I have no country to live in; I am stateless!
  • Soccer Ball: Yes, and I am not stateless; I am an Italian!
  • Diamond: And I'm-a non Italian, I'm an English'n!
  • Football: I'm not English, I am Spanish!
  • Sword: I'm not an Argentine of Spanish ancestry; I'm American! [Match silently gasps in the corner, as do everyone else]
  • Container: I wadn't American this whole time, I was pretendin' to be Southern from the state of Nebra-labama. In reality, I'm a Northerner!
  • Bolt: Well, I'm not another Northerna, I'm—
  • Triangle: Wait wait wait, you all have just shed your nationalities? [They nod] You have all been faking who you were this whole time.
  • Diamond: Just fight us already, old man!
  • Triangle: If you want to fight, just remember—
  • Container: About your old rotting self, and how it's clearly less powerful than all eight of us? Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Triangle does nothing.]

  • Bolt: Well, if you don't fight us, I guess we get your kid to rest.
  • Diamond: Your worst one.
  • Sword: Uno de los peores, el que realmente no debería haber sido puesto en esta tierra, pero arruinaste la oportunidad de la misma. Ahora me voy a limpiar su carita lo siento fuera de este planeta.[63]
  • Triangle: [getting flashbacks] That was the last straw! [punches Sword] And now, my middle-aged father speech: GET YOUR TANKS OFF MY LAWN, HOOLIGANS!

[They all run away to Ray Shell Bladerford's house.]

  • Triangle: That was close. I mean— [sees Match crying] Why are you crying, Agnieszka?
  • Match: You punched Sword! Don't'y know I love him with, like, an unbreakable passion? Why didn't you get that plate, like, thingy instead?
  • Triangle: Well … Container insulted me on a personal level, which I really don't care about. But when someone talks [censored] on any of my kids, oh, it's on like Kublai Khan.
  • Match: Thank you … for, like, everything else, though.

[Exit Match to downstairs. As she runs back down, Triangle reminds her.]

  • Triangle: Don't forget that Sword is really an American this whole time!
  • Nelson: Hello? I'm still trapped, and I'm starting to lose[64]
  • Triangle: [diving, superhero-style to Nelson] Don't worry, I'll save you!
  • Nelson: [rescued] So …

[A rumble is heard. Suddenly, the other part of the attic falls onto the TV, which breaks.]

  • Sapphire: [on the TV, of which several people are watching] And I will always …
  • Vihuela: Yes, say it!
  • Sapphire: Always …
  • Vihuela: Say it now!
  • Sapphire: I will— Actually, I forgot what I was going to say. Producer!
  • Man: I will always— [TV breaks. Everyone complains]
  • Salt: Aww, like, we don't even know what will come after the "always"!

[Everyone else claps due to Triangle rescuing Nelson.]

55. Ray Shell Bladerford's house

Scene: Defeated, the Pandilla go to the alternative house: the house of Ray Shell Bladerford.[65] It is there where they make a mess of the house.

  • Sword: I can't believe we were defeated.
  • Container: Yeah, we are never defeated.
  • Soccer Ball: Curse this universe!
  • Container: I think you mean—
  • Iron: Our identifying nations Colonel Triángolo managed to mess up that I can't believe!
  • Ceibo: In hindsight, we couldn't fight him anyways.
  • Football: He is a veteran of the Kenyan Army, so I know he has memories of it all. Vivid memories, if I recall.
  • Everyone else: Nobody cares, Football!
  • Bolt: Now I feel so angry, I wanna punch a hole in the wall!
  • USB: Umm, you might not want to do that; the owner getth very angry at people who dethtroy hith property!
  • Sword: We don't care, we don't care, we don't care!
  • Container: We'll gonna destroy this house if we want to or not!
  • Suitcace: I think you mean double-sized condominium.
  • All: Shut up!

[Exit Suitcase, crying. In the meantive, the Pandilla make a mess out of Bladerford's[66] house.]

  • Ceibo[67]: ¡Callate y boca, soldado raso![68]
  • Sword: No, [censored] [breaks pictiure]

[Iron, in spite, smashes a drawer. Diamond knocks a Lego off.]

  • Diamond: So … why does he own-a this Le—
  • Ray S. Bladerford: What the [censored] is going on in this madhouse of a basement? Clean it now!
  • Bolt: No!
  • Ceibo: Your rules don't apply!
  • Football: Extraterritoriality, [censored]!
  • Sword: You guys, I really think we should respect his rules for the house!
  • Darren FosterWolfiech Fabianski: That's right![69]
  • Sword: A suppliant at your feet I vomit! [kneels to the actors, and vomits at their knees]
  • All: Eww!
  • Fabianski: What was that for?
  • Sword: If it's any type of food coming in from ten kilos from the Indian Ocean, I've no other reason but to exhume everything I can literally think of!

58. Living room at the Triángolos’

Scene: Now that Sword and the Pandilla is gone, Triangle is able to make a speech.

  • Triangle: I do apologise for our losses today: a fraction of the ceiling, and also the plot to that Spanish soap opera.
  • Popsicley: You killed it! I found out it was "love" from the Internet instead! [is promptly shushed by the audience, while the true fans gasp in horror[70]]
  • Triangle: But still, I would like to make a very special announcement. I am running for office as the President of Free Kenya.[71]

[His children are elated.]

  • Pencil: Does thet means thet yer—
  • Triangle: I didn't ask for questions now![72] [Pencil is confused] Anyways, when I say "Free Kenya", I do mean the Kenya, the place where you all grew up.
  • Book: Actually, I grew up in—
  • Ruby: Shh!
  • Triangle: My point is, in this Free Kenya, we have no BFDI. It does not exist. We have freedom, political, religious, opportunistical. We have rights, equality for all. Had we gone under BFDI law, we would have none of this. But I am pleased to tell you that my first law will be … will be … kama … [stares off into empty space[73]]
  • Match: [whispering aside] Giving me presents on my birthday.
  • Triangle: Riiiiight, giving Malgorzata[74]
  • Match: Don't, like, say it!
  • Triangle: Drugie imię to nazwa zbyt, rodzice nazwie cię to![75]
  • Match: [Aside.] At least it's, like, not Zbigniew like my dad's.[76]
  • Triangle: So, kama, yeah. Give Match her presents; it is illegal to not do so in my house.

[All of a sudden, sort-of chaos. As half of the people leave to Bladerford's house, the ones that stay go to several people for money to give Match things.]

  • Book: Since it is her birthday, I suggest that we sing to her a birthday song!
  • All: ♫ Ha—
  • Pen: Wait, anything but that![77]
  • Book: Yeah, I doubt you all want to be sued!
  • Pencil: Fine, we'll sing th' other one!
  • Match: I feel, like, so honoured either way!
  • All: ♫ For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good felloooooooooooow … ne sait quand reviendra![78][79]

[A few minutes later, after the distribution of the gifts.]

  • Bubble: [happy] OMBB! You got all gifts, but noio monoy!
  • Katarzyna: [with a camera, but concerned] You got all gifts, but no money!
  • Match: But—
  • Aristotelis: You got all gifts, but n—
  • Match: Omg, what is, like, wrong with everyone?
  • Pen: Er … Match, what we're all trying to reiterate is that you only got presents, but no money!
  • Triangle: That is correct, I specifically mandated suggested that nobody give money.
  • Needle: Why?
  • Triangle: Y'see, I'm trying to understand the lives and personalities of everyone here. I've been gone, stationed at Taveta for ten years, and I am really interesting in the up and down time for everyone here.
  • Match: Omg, down time is so, like, 1997. I've not said it since I was Nelson's age!
  • Ruby: Umm … that is literally the time when he came from.
  • Pencil: So this whole thing was a big social experimen' to trick us all?
  • Triangle: More like political social experiment, but we'll just leave it as so!
  • Pen: Yes, you're manipulative, just like me! … sir. [They]
  • Book: Well, now that you have them all, I guess it is time to look at your gif—

[A surge of water hits the house. The hole in the ceiling has dihydrogen monoxide dripping all the way from it, and in the living room too.]

  • Book: Really, why does this flood interrupt me as I say gif

[Another surge hits them.]

  • Pen: Ah!
  • Bubble: Oh noio!
  • Ruby: WHEEEEE!!!
  • Match: Omg, not the gifts! All 30,000 of them! [She only saves 100 of them, as the rest of them drown.[80] Nevertheless, the flood hits them so much, it pushes literally everyone outside the house.]

59. Outside

Scene: Everyone is pushed outside, so at once, the line dissipates. Pencil is calling roll.

  • Pencil: [counting] One, two, three. 'Ey, thet's more than Bubble can count![81]
  • Bubble: Hoiy!
  • Pencil: No, JK. Er … four, five, six, sev'n!
  • Ruby: Where's Match?

[Match runs out of the house, crying and holding onto her last gifts.]

  • Pencil: Omg, y'looks so embarrassin' right now.
  • Match: I— I don't care right now! Sword's been attacked and a flood washed away all my birthday gifts!
  • Book: Match, can you at least try to think about the others here? We are all suffering the same problems! And just imagine all the dead bodies in there. Dead, starting-to-rot, disgusting, decomposing—
  • Match: Okay, okay, I got it! B— but, I, like, did think of someone e— else today.
  • Ruby: Oh, really? Who?
  • Book: The word is whom, Ruby.
  • Ruby: Sorry.
  • Match: It was— it was— omg, I can't bear myself to say it without feeling embarrassed.
  • Pen: Alright, it was me!
  • Pencil: I'd no idea you're protectin' Pen!
  • Match: Fine, I was! But only because these people were, like, intimidating him and he had no, like, any moral reason to fight them, so, like, I had to step in and …
  • Book: [Aside to Ruby.] Okay, I think that I am sick and tired of these long and boring drawn-out speeches that everyone is making. I thought this was an eight-minute episode.[82] But I guess that I will just go inside to see what is left of the food and see if it is not soggy, so you know what there is so that … Ruby, are you even listening?
  • Ruby: [attentive] What?
  • Book: Never mind, I'm going by myself.
  • Ruby: Wait, where? Can I come too? I'll go the opposite direction if you don't tell me— or not …

[Book exits in one direction and Ruby walks three steps opposite from her, but abruptly stops.]

  • Match: And so, he, like, insulted both the Poles and the Jews at the same time, which I found extremely offensive—
  • Ruby: What was it?
  • Match: The … the … what?
  • Ruby: The insult! What was the insult that they told you?
  • Bubble: Shh, Moitch doesn't want to say it.
  • Pencil: Aye, 'tmay be too offensive fer us to hear.[83]
  • Pen: Yeah, that joke was heartwrenchingly terrible.

60. Outside the house

Scene: Book tries to enter the house.

  • Book: Now to get something to ea— [sees a "Caution" tape around the door along with Neon Jacket, the security man]
  • Neon Jacket: Hold it! You're not allowed inside of the premises.
  • Book: But my best friend lives here! [Aside.] And by "best friend", I will just assume it is Needle, not Pencil.
  • Neon Jacket: It don't matter if your friend lives here, it don't matter if the President lives here—
  • Book: Would that not be a safety violation? Having the President of Kenya reside in this dump?
  • Neon Jacket: Shh! Look inside there windows yonder.
  • Book: [looking inside the windows] Woah! [sees the water vacuum] A water vacuum in Kenya? I thought those were illegal!
  • Neon Jacket: Not if handled by veterans of the armed forces.
  • Book: Oh, duh, of course I knew that, as a matter of legal issues.
  • Neon Jacket: But look inside.

[Triangle is WV'ing all the water out of the house. It's really the flood in reverse. Several minutes later.]

61. Outside

Scene: The girls are still talking, not noting the house being fixed.

  • Pencil: An' she wen', "I ain't goin' to go home after thet date!"
  • Match: That's, like, not the story of how I heard it!
  • Ruby: I probably heard it the same way too!
  • Lotus Seed Pod[84]: Umm, excuse me?
  • Pencil: 'Ello!
  • Lotus Seed Pod: Where's the "Bladerford" house? I hear their party is better than the flooded one!
  • Pencil: [slightly offended] Thet's my 'ouse!
  • Lotus Seed Pod: Isn't it just down the street?
  • Pencil: Aye, 'tis very well.

[Meanwhile, Pen teaches Nelson how to play football.]

  • Pen: Aaaaaaaaaaand go long! [about to throw]
  • Nelson: Wait! Is this the long one? 'Cause I'm at 10 metres.
  • Pen: Nope, a little further!
  • Nelson: Like this?
  • Pen: Sure! [throws the ball]
  • Nelson: I think it's very interesting how this game is. I wonder why Mrs. Crepesthine doesn't let us play organised—
  • Pen: LOOK OUT!
  • Nelson: Ah!

[He gets hit in the head with a football.]

  • Nelson: [in a daze, seeing stars above him[85]] Nadhani … kuona … Orioni[86] … na … upanga … wake … ni …[87] [falls to the ground]
  • Pen: Oh, [censored], I think I killed him.
  • Pencil: U wot m8? [runs over]
  • Pen: Is he okay?
  • Pencil: I din't think 'e was made fer football. 'E's th' intellectual type, not the h'athletical type, like … [at once softening up] Yoooooooooooooouuuuuuu, I can't believe we diagnos'd a patient together!
  • Pen: As our first time as a "married" couple, things are going rather successfully!
  • Lotus Seed Pod: Hold! I am suited for this! [starts a Buddhist prayer for the dead in Japanese]


  • Pencil: Ain't thet poem kind o' … dark?
  • Lotus Seed Pod: That's the beauty of it!

[Surprisingly, Nelson wakes up.]

  • Nelson: Huh? What happened?
  • Pencil: We saved yer life, all 'cause o' a lotus seed plant!
  • Pen: Don't worry, I'll never play football with you again.
  • Nelson: [very confused] Good, since I don't like sports.
  • Lotus Seed Pod: And it was all because of me!
  • Nelson: Oh, who is thi— [turns around] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [runs away to the woods behind the house]
  • Ruby: Why let him in there?
  • Bubble: There moight be troills there!
  • Match: I've been to her house more than three hundred times, and I have seen the trolls, like, about 1% of the time. … That's ten, right?
  • Lotus Seed Pod: Aww, now I feel insulted. Why did he run away from me?
  • Pencil: Sorry, I fergot to tell'ee … Nelson's trypophobic.[89]
  • Lotus Seed Pod: I have heard of this specific term before. Does it mean fear of Buddhism? Because I could always—
  • Pencil: No, 'tis the fear o' holes.
  • Match: Fear of holes? That is, like, the weirdest phobia that I've heard of in my life! I mean seriously, if there were a— [Pencil shows Match a disturbing trypophobic photo] Okay, that is a little unsettling.
  • Ruby: [looking with her] Eww! That's gross! It looks like there's something outside of her—

61. Inside

Scene: Quick cut. Book and Triangle are dining at the table, alone. The house is deserted, making it quiet.

  • Book: So, out of all the members of the alliance, which one was your favourite?
  • Triangle: Besides my daughter, I'll have to say you are my favourite. Brutal honesty, passive-aggressiveness and non-conformity are the greatest traits,[90] or at least how I think.
  • Book: Aww, thank you! But what did you think of the other members?
  • Triangle: Well, in my humble opinion … Bubble doesn't say much but just goes along with the crowd, Match is too caught up on love to realise the actual problems that more people are facing, Ruby is a bit immature and histrionic and Pen's … well …
  • Book: Is there something wrong, Mr. Triángolo?
  • Triangle: It's kind of hard to explain. Kama, just imagine a bounce house.
  • Book: [imagining[91]] Can mine be orange with green stains on it?
  • Triangle: I don't care; it's your thoughts! But instead of the bounce house being made of bricks, it's made of bouncy balls.
  • Book: Mr. Triángolo, I do not think most bounce houses are made of bri—
  • Triangle: My point is that Pen is just too … too …
  • Book: Wait, so if you are saying Pen is like a bouncy ball bouncy house, you are saying Pen is … over-weight, because you must remember he is the captain of our school football team, so he must—
  • Triangle: HE'S TOO SOFT! [puts his hand over his mouth in shock] That came out very very wrong.
  • Book: I guess that I will tell the others—
  • Triangle: No, stay, please! I shall bring them in.
  • Book: Will that not be any awkward?
  • Triangle: I have a better idea!

62. Outside

Scene: The entire alliance, who has been getting progressively more tired, is now sitting and talking.

  • Nelson: [to Pencil, whispering] Is she gone now?
  • Pencil: Y'can come out!

[He rises from the bush]

  • Nelson: Thank you, Port-Chopin!
  • Port-Chopin: [with a deep voice] De rien.[92]
  • Match: Wow, with that deep a voice, I'm, like, surprised Mrs. Chembe didn't choose him as our Adam in Ruddigore! [Pen looks at her, awkwardly[93]]
  • Pencil: [to Nelson] Why'd'ee hide from'e? Thet was very rude.
  • Pen: Yeah, you really hurt her feelings!
  • Nelson: Sorry, "mum" and "dad", but I let my fears get to me!
  • Pencil: Well, thet really don't means—
  • Pen: Wait, did he just call us his parents? [She nods]
  • PenPencil: Oh rapture, we arewe're so perfect forfer each other! [They kiss]
  • Match: [about to take a picture] Omg, that is so going on Usoki— [turns her phone on and sees a picture of a Surinam toad[94]] Aaaaaaaaaaah!
  • Ruby: Opa lease, Match, I doubt that's anything to fear!
  • Bubble: Yeah, there are moire things to scroim of.

[All the lights that light their table are turned off.]

  • Pencil: Like thet?

[They all (except Pen) scream.]

  • Match: Quick, like, into the house!

[They run into the house, where Triangle and Book are waiting for them.]

  • Book: What were you doing out there?
  • Triangle: Yeah, I saw that you were on the tables in front of the forest! It was very irresponsible for you to live like that, as civilians, next to the forest!
  • Book: [Aside.] Do not forget to mention that the forest is one kilometre wide.
  • Triangle: … In that kilometre-wide forest!
  • Pencil: But Dad—
  • Triangle: Don't "but Dad" me! You know that what you have done is wrong. I shall not let any child of mine get out of my plain sight!
  • Pencil: Then why'd'ee let Needle an' Nelson get out?
  • Triangle: Because they were with a responsible adult!
  • Pencil: Wot? Y'had me a' sight! I can't be trust'd with any'n' these days!
  • Triangle: You weren't trusted with anything before because your mother was too easygoing on you. But now that I am here, you will follow both my and your mother's rules!
  • Book: Speaking of "mother", where is Es—, shall I say Mrs. Triángolo?

62. Bladerford's house

Scene: The reformed Portuguese Book Club. This time, the whole party is held there.

  • Estigua: [trying to explain] And … I … um … just can no longer explain it anymore! I can't speak a word of Portuguese; it just was forgotten by me!
  • Marmalade: O que ela disse?[95]
  • Onda: Não sei, mas não acredito que é que fala Inglês.[96]
  • Estigua: I don't know what you're saying! [cries] Wait!

[Katarzyna is talking to her Polish friends.]

  • Papaver: Więc co to było? Wieloryby lub Walii? Albo były wieloryby w Walii?[97][98]
  • Katarzyna: Myślę, że to[99]
  • Estigua: Hey, Kat!
  • Katarzyna: Cześć![100] Es, are you feeling better?
  • Estigua: Oh, do I! I am now speaking English!
  • Katarzyna: So it was you who shouted their knowledge of English in your own house. [Aside.] Pinch me, I must be dreaming!
  • Estigua: [agitated] Actually, got to go! [Aside.] My house! I have to go there and see what happened to the flood.

63. Dining room

Scene: The alliance is eating dinner in the dining room.

  • Pen: We've already eaten dinner, sir.
  • Triangle: Does health and nutrition really concern you much?
  • Pen: Like—
  • Match: Why are we eating dinner so late? It's, like, about to be midnight!
  • Ruby: And why can't we talk? This is, like, our fifth meal this day!
  • Triangle: I never said you all couldn't talk.
  • PencilRuby: Jus' say the magic words! Pardubice. PARDUBICE! PARDUBICE!NIDIKA TSAYA KADINI YATSA! NIDIKA TSA
  • Ruby: Sorry, was that annoying?
  • Triangle: [in a daze as previous] Yes, that was. Dinner is now officially over!

[Enter Estigua in a hurry.]

  • Estigua: Hey, is anyone in here? I was worried when I was talking to Katarzyna about the things in the house, but is everything okay? Did the flood harm any of my super secret—
  • Triangle: Not at all. In fact, everything got saved, except the party is now over and it's all dirty.
  • Estigua: Oh, don't worry, I'll be able to clean this up in no t—
  • Triangle: Woah woah woah, wait! Instead of taking advantage of the fact that we have no maid in the house—
  • Pen: Hey, in our old house we had several maids from the exotic island country of—
  • Triangle: Silence, Schreiber! What I was going to say was that we should [whispers to Estigua]
  • Estigua: While I do think this is a good way to discipline our children, I've been cleaning this house and they have been doing nothing!
  • Triangle: Is this true?

[He sees the alliance on the couch watching the telly.]

  • Pencil: Mum, can'ee change the channel fer us, th' remote's too far away![102]
  • Estigua: I com—
  • Triangle: Don't do it; it's too close.
  • Pencil: MUM!
  • Estigua: You know, I think you should save your drill sergeant-like behaviour for your political campaign.
  • Triangle: Good idea. [Aloud.] Hey, I have an idea!
  • Ruby: [Aside.] Are his ideas ever good?
  • Pencil: On me 6th birthday, 'is gift fer me was a trip to th' moon. When I got there, I was abandon'd 'til they sen' a Ukrainian space pod there five days later![103]
  • Match: Could've been a Pole![104]
  • Pen: Yeah, no.
  • Triangle: Why don't you all have a no-rules rule![105] Stay up as long as you want, unlimited channels on the television and listen to as much Alyra[106] records you want!
  • Bubble: I'm pretty soire she doied oiges ago!
  • Match: Yeah, and who, like, listens to records anymore? They are so, like, last—
  • Triangle: Or you can all go upstairs and go to sleep whilst the rest of the party is going on!

[Silence for a few moments.]

  • Pencil: Aye, thet actually sounds like a good idea!
  • Match: Omg, sleep!
  • Ruby: My mum texted yes to sleeping over.
  • Book: My mum nodded and fell asleep on the sofa. Your pick!
  • Pen: Does your dad want for me a place to sleep? Y'know, since I'm with girls?
  • All: NO!

64. Pencil's room

Scene: They are still awake in Pencil's room.

  • Bubble: Hoiy, who wants to ploy the rhoyme game?
  • Ruby: If that's the only slumber party game we know, we're doomed.
  • Match: Sadly, it's true.
  • Pencil: I'll start.
  • Book: Umm … remind me, how do you play this "Rhyme Game"?

[They all explain at once.]

  • Pen: It's an extremely lame party game that girls play I have to do all the time.
  • Match: WRONG! It's actually, like, this: you mention a human name—
  • Book: A human name?
  • Match: You, like, heard me right, I said human name. So you get that, and we each gather, like, in a circle and say words that rhyme with that name.
  • Book: So … a cult?
  • Match: Like, you say words that rhyme with that name.
  • Book: Oh oh oh, I heard you that time!
  • Pencil: Can I start now?
  • Match: Sure! [notices Bubble sleeping] Oh, and, like, if you sleep, you're out, so, like, let's begin this [censored]!
  • Pencil[107]: Avery!
  • Pen: Bravery.
  • Ruby: Knavery.
  • Book: Slavery.
  • Match: Savoury. Now we go, like, back around again!
  • Book: Unsavoury.

[They pause.]

  • Pencil: Goin' once! Goin' twice! Goin' thrice! Me turn again? 'K. Abimbola.[108]
  • Pen: Controller.
  • Ruby: Viola.
  • Book: Ayatollah!
  • Match: Cola!
  • Book: Ebola.
  • Ruby: Hispaniola.
  • Pen: There's, like, Bola, Chola, Cola, Colla, Gola, Hola, Jolla, Lola, Mola, Nola
  • Match: Wait, how do you know that much, like, words?
  • Pen: I … er … have a very large vocabulary!
  • Ruby: He has his phone out!
  • Book: Pencil, do something!
  • Pencil: I'll allow'e!
  • Match: Why?
  • Pencil: I love'ee with all me heart an' will do anyth'n to save 'is title, e'en if it involves cheatin'.
  • Ruby: Wow, that's so unusual!

[Enter Triangle.]

  • Triangle: Can you be quiet here? Your mum is trying to sleep!
  • Pencil: She'll sleep through anythin'!
  • Triangle: Whatever, just be quiet.

[Exit Triangle.]

  • Pencil: Y'know, I think we all need a good rest. Good night, everyone!

[They go to sleep.]

Saturday, December 15

1. Pencil's room

Scene: 5:00.[109] Everyone is still sleeping, including Needle and Nelson who have returned. [The procedure now goes as follows. Triangle barges into the room with a bugle, playing the reveille.[110] Everyone gets scared.]

  • Bubble: Ahh!
  • Needle: What the?
  • Book: I was expecting this.
  • Pen: That's a flügelhorn, eh?
  • Nelson: Naw, it's a bugle.
  • Pencil: I's afraid this'd 'appen.
  • Ruby: [half-asleep] Time for tea, Mr. Lagunazbekistan!
  • Match: [half-awake] Is it Rosh Hashanah already?[111]
  • Triangle: That's right, seven eighths of you all are awake.[112]
  • Ruby: [all awake] Huh?
  • Triangle: Now it's fifteen-eighteenths! Can you see who's still sleeping?
  • Pencil: Match is; she can sleep through anythin'.
  • Pen: And she will sleep through anything.
  • Triangle: Can she sleep through this? [gets a gong. Ruby laughs audibly] Now all of you, go downstairs at once!
  • Pencil: But daaaaaad
  • Triangle: Go downstairs NOW! I want to see you all run!

2. Downstairs

Scene: After they all have sprinted downstairs, they all end up in a heap at the bottom of the steps.

  • Ruby: Oww, this is hurting my legs!
  • Bubble: I'm surproised I haven't doied yet!
  • Triangle: I don't hear running; or else, get in the kitchen now!

[As if by common instinct, they line up against the wall, Book, Ruby, Bubble, Pencil, Pen, Aristotelis, Katarzyna, Needle, Nelson.]

  • Triangle: [going downstairs with Match] I am now going to inspect you all.
  • Nelson: For what? Diseases? Or even our physical unfitness—
  • Needle: Shh! He can hear you!
  • Triangle: No. Nelson is right. The majority of you all are non-fit as [censored] here. And I shall start off with you, my son. As you are only of eight years of age, I have no other reason but not to check you. [moves on] Needle.
  • Needle: Yes, sir!
  • Triangle: Please, call me "dad". [cue "aww" from the audience[113]] Now, I must ask, how old are you now? Thirteen? Fifteen?
  • Needle: Right in the middle, sir dad.
  • Triangle: The average female that's of your age must weigh 3.6 kg. Do you?
  • Needle: No, dad, I weigh as much as a needle.
  • Triangle: Interesting. And you are mighty tall for your age. [moves on] Katarzyna, as an average Russian—
  • Katarzyna: Polish!
  • Triangle: … Polish woman, I need not measure you. Instead, I must ask about your parenting habits.
  • Katarzyna: Well, I must tell you my parenting style is a bit unorthodox, due to being one of the most liberal families in Canada—
  • Triangle: Kenya!
  • Katarzyna: … Kenya. [Aside.] Now the shoe's on the other arm.
  • Triangle: Tell me how you parent your children, ma'am, for the sake of—
  • Katarzyna: Okay, I'll say! So, basically, Aristotelis and I discipline Match the most strictly out of our children, because she can get out of hand, like, a little bit.
  • Match: Hey!
  • Triangle: They say you can't control a clone of yourself. Go on.
  • Katarzyna: And also, like, I discipline Eraser the most lenient, because, y'know, he's, like, totally my favourite out of all of them.
  • Triangle: What about Pen?

[Katarzyna draws a blank]

  • Triangle: You recall, your second son?
  • Katarzyna: Oh, right! I barely know that he's there! Middle child syndrome to the extremest!
  • Pen: Hey!
  • Katarzyna: I remember it was 1996 when I first noticed his existence.
  • Triangle: Interesting. Moving on! So, Aristotelis Syngapheas—
  • Aristotelis: It's Schreiber, sir.
  • Triangle: No. We shall adhere to pre-war names only in this household.
  • Aristotelis: Thank you for recognising our plight in th—
  • Triangle: How do you parent your children?
  • Aristotelis: I'd say I do it pretty well, what'd you think, kids?
  • Match: Like, yeah!
  • Pen: Perfectly …
  • Aristotelis: See, y'hear from a second-hand experience!
  • Triangle: So, I've heard that they rarely get punishments under you.
  • Aristotelis: That is true; Kat's the only one who give out punishments.
  • Triangle: And are they harsh?
  • Aristotelis: No, what we do is usually bar them from using technology for a couple of minutes for huge stuff like … [looks at Pen] destroying a family heirloom, but they just sneak to their phones and—
  • Triangle: WRONG! That is not the correct way to discipline your children. You must learn from me some time!
  • Aristotelis: But—
  • Triangle: Moving on! Next up is Pen.
  • Pencil: [Aside to Match.] Ooh, this'll get good!
  • Match: Omg, so I could, like, totally taste the awkward hate between them the first time they, like, met.
  • Triangle: Silence to the left! And now I must interview you. State your age.
  • Pen: I am eighteen years old, sir.
  • Triangle: And you are courting with my daughter of seventeen years, am I correct?
  • Pen: Yes, sir.
  • Triangle: AFFIRMATIVE![114]
  • Pen: A— a— affirmative, sir.
  • Triangle: You do realise that if you are with my daughter, you are to stay in Kenya. All our neighbouring countries, including Tanzania, makes a man an adult at age 18, where you are. But in Kenya, you are very fortunate to have Pencil, for the age of consent here is sixteen. Did you know that?
  • Pen: No— Firmative, sir.
  • Triangle: What the what was that supposed to mean?
  • Pen: I meant to say, "no". Y'see, if you take off the a in it, it becomes the opposite of what is stated … sir.
  • Triangle: Where did you learn that?
  • Pen: Pencil, sir. She made me sleep on a dictionary during our first months of dating. Says it increased my vocabulary.
  • Triangle: Good job, binti.[115] Now what do you, Pencil, have to say about Pen?
  • Pencil: Oh, how 'e's the love o' me life, such a gallant lad, crowd-pleasin' athlete, delightful op'ra singer, 'ighborn magnate o' h'infinite shillings[116]
  • Triangle: So basically he's just someone whom you get money from instead of a job?
  • Pencil: Wot, no! Thet wan't th' idear I was tryin' to convey, an' frankly I'm rather offended by thet! Pen's more than bein' a moneybags! 'Ad 'e not been with me, I'm sure 'e'd be servin' in th' armed forces …
  • Triangle: Interesting … [back to senses] Now, tell me more about your athleticism.
  • Pen: Well, I've been told my various people that I particularly jump higher than anyone else they've seen …

[Meanwhile, with Book and the rest.]

  • Book: The last time I was not bored was last night.
  • Ruby: Cheer up, Book! He's going to Pencil next!
  • Book: Whatever. You still must remember that this is not your house. You can go wherever you want!
  • Ruby: Then where should we go?
  • Bubble: How aboit Yoyly Joi's?[117]
  • Ruby: I love Yoyly Joe's!
  • Book: As do I.
  • Bubble: I espoicially love the yoyleberry yoidel.
  • Book: Ooh! I have never tried that one.
  • Bubble: It yoidels at you whoile you drink!
  • Ruby: Yeah, but it yodels really bad. It's like a mashup of a baby crying and an obscure country music star.[118]
  • Book: Sounds awesome! Let us go! Do you want to go, Match?

[But she's not listening. She's mainly laughing with Pencil at the awkward conversation ensuing between Triangle and Pen.]

  • Bubble: Soinds good for us!

[Exeunt Bubble, Ruby and Book.]

  • Triangle: So, Pen, how religious do you think you are?
  • Pen: Religious? Well, I guess I'd say I'm not religious that much, but I do stay with Jewish traditions and culture … sir.
  • Triangle: And our family is Catholic. How does your and my family tolerate each other?
  • Pen: How should I know; it's not like I'm going to politics!
  • Triangle: DO NOT SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERIOR THIS WAY, DO YOU HEAR!? [calms down] Now just tell me about religion and what you do know.
  • Pen: Well … like …

[Two hours later, the examinations are done.]

  • Pencil: I jus' realised two new things 'bout Pen, Match.
  • Match: Well, you do learn new things when someone is being interviewed for two hours. Like, did he even talk to me?
  • Pencil: No! But anyway, I learned 'e's allergic to rhododendron flowers.
  • Match: Oh yeah! Once when we were young I would keep a potted "rhodie" in my room.
  • Pencil: Y'sick little monster, why woulds'ee do thet?
  • Match: He was in my room, like, all the time! Eight-year-old me thought this was a good idea, but I had more in store.
  • Pencil: Clever. Also, I learned thet 'e's never—
  • Match: Hey! Like, where's Bubble, Ruby and Book? Did they, like, disappear?
  • Pencil: I think they went to Yoyly Joe's.
  • Match: Omg, I hope they got the yoyleberry yodel! Can't wait to hear what the song is today.
  • Pencil: It goes by cycle, so 'tis probably some bizarre Transylvanian dirge on ocean acidification or some'n'.

[Enter Book, Bubble and Ruby in metal form.]

  • Triangle: Hey, you've returned. Where did you go? Yoyly Joe's?
  • Book: Yes, and we even got a yoyleberry yodel for you!
  • Triangle: For me?

[It yodels the national anthem of Kenya. He stops drinking.]

  • Triangle: Everyone stand up; the national anthem is playing.
  • Pen: Well—
  • Triangle: KUSIMAMA![119]

[When it ends, everyone sits down.]

  • Pencil: Why'd the national anthem be playin' now?
  • Match: I know! Usually, it's something like casual songs!
  • Ruby: Yesterday it was a Transylvanian dirge on ocean acidification.
  • Book: Now it is our national anthem.
  • Triangle: This can only mean one thing. [pause] The war has begun.

[Crickets chirping.]

  • Ruby: Cool story, bro-sir.
  • Pencil: I bet 'e's lyin'.[120]
  • Bubble: Let's goio to the mall!
  • Match: So we can shop for various things.
  • All: Yeah!

[Exeunt the alliance. Pen follows, but is promptly stopped by Triangle.]

  • Triangle: Where do you think you're going?
  • Pen: Shopping with the alliance, why?
  • Triangle: And why?

[Crickets stop chirping.]

3. On the streets of Nairobi

Scene: The alliance is walking to the mall.

  • Pencil: I feel like Pen's in trouble.
  • Match: He's always in trouble!
  • Pencil: I mean, like, lit'rally. I'll go text'e. [she checks her phone, and he mind-texted her 3 times[121]. She reads his texts] "Help me, your dad is pressuring me to conform to societal norms!" "Help me, I feel it'd be less awkward with you!" "Where did you get the new tablecloth because my cousin in Greece has the same one"? Wot?!

[They laugh.]

  • Pencil: [texting him back] "Tell'e yer jus' goin' to the sports area!" "You'll be with me h'inevitably." "Kienyeji's Party Store. I think." Send!

[They get there.]

  • Ruby: It has been a long time since we went to the Ever Convenient Objects' Shopping Mall.
  • Pencil: Well, we do need, like, an 'oliday.
  • Bubble: Good point.
  • Pencil: Thanks, but whilst I'm there, I need to get thet point sharpen'd, or else I get extremely h'angsty fer no reason at all.
  • Book: When has that happened?
  • Pencil: It 'appens more often then y'thinks.[122]
  • Book: [sighs arrogantly] Just another teenager problem that I will never get.
  • Ruby: Well, girls, this is it! Should we start at the perruct[123] department.
  • Pencil: I hate the perruct departmen'! Not only's'e too feminine fer me, they always find a way to squirt'e at us.
  • Match: Oh, come on! You'll love it the fifteenth time!

[They walk in.]

4. Pencil's house

Scene: Triangle and Aristotelis are fighting over Pen.

  • TriangleAristotelis: Can you at least try to not let him go to the shopping centre, I'm trying to make him into a real man, but you insist on making him stay a boy and do we have anyPen has made his own personal choices on who his friends should be and if he hangs with the girls, so I trust him on these sorts of things, so I really don't give a feta cheese here!?
  • Aristotelis: Did we just end a sentence with feta cheese?
  • Triangle: No, it was "feta cheese here".
  • Aristotelis: Oh, what's the difference, they both represent the notion of feta cheese anyway.
  • Triangle: The end justifies the means—
  • Aristotelis: IT'S JUST A DAIRY PRODUCT!
  • Aristotelis: Can we stop there, I think I just contradicted my own argument.
  • Pen: Y'know what? I think I'll just stay home, dad, sir.
  • TriangleAristotelis: Just go to the mall!
  • Pen: Okay then …

5. Perruct department

Scene: After they get sprayed.

  • Pencil: Ugh, it's 2007! Why ain't'e illegal to spray this stuff yet?
  • Bubble: Oi think it's woinderful!
  • Book: Guys, I have just realised something.
  • Match: [Aside.] Please don't be boring, please don't be boring, please don't be boring …
  • Book: [hears her] It is most certainly not boring! So do you know how we were sprayed with four perfumes? Well, I matched the tastes up with those found in this 1768 analysis book, and the letters they represent are … BFDI!
  • Bubble: Whoy do you carry a 1768 anoilysis—
  • Match: And all the food you, like, ate in the past week spelt out [spells out] PENCIL-AND-PEN-LOVE-EACH-OTHER-SO-MUCH-THAT-THEY-WILL-LIVE-AND-INEVITABLY-DIE-IN-A-FANTASY-CASTLE-TOGETHER?
  • Book: Most certainly not. It actually spelt out PENCIL-AND-PEN-LOVE-EACH-OTHER-SO-MUCH-THAT-THEY-WILL-LIVE-AND-INEVITABLY-DIE-IN-A-FANTASY-MANSION-TOGETHER! Gosh, Match, you were so innacurate!
  • Pencil: Praise the food!
  • Ruby: Everyone, focus! Why would the perructs spell out BFDI? Is it a coincidence that it could have came from that very old book?

[She expects that everyone be listening, but instead they are amazed.]

  • Book: Wow, Ruby! You actually said something reasonable for once!
  • Ruby: I have my mom—
  • Pencil: An' I have me dad, who'se probably detainin' Pen fer bein' too unmanly.
  • Ruby: Hey, Pencil, there's someone behind you.
  • Pencil: If it's some random stalker thet somehow 'as a crush on m'— [turns around, and it's Pen] Omg, it's you!
  • Pen: I finally … made it … out of … the perructs.
  • Pencil: Wot 'appened?
  • Match: And why are you out of breath; you sound like my grade 8 Plutonian science teacher!
  • Pencil: [Aside.] Shh!
  • Pen: Your dad … and my dad were fighting each other over whether I should go.
  • Pencil: So we're … star-cross'd lovers!
  • The others: Omg, omg, omg! [They start dancing and chanting this] Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Nairobi[124], where we lay our scene—
  • Pencil: Wot're'ees doin'? Tryin' to make a fool o' yerselves?
  • Pen: Yeah, you kind of look like four hula dancers trying to dance on hot magma but the magma's 2000 degrees and it's falling from 4.19 feet in a hole in the volcano.
  • Pencil: Omg, vivid imagery! 'Ere's a golden star y'deserve, m8! [The alliance looks annoyed] Oh, wot's I keedin', y'always get a gold star! [kisses him and literally covers him in gold stars]
  • Ruby: Can we just say "loins" at least once, please?
  • Book: We have no time, we should better go.
  • Ruby: LOINS!
  • Bubble: No quoistions asked, but Oi think Pencil's not sharp enoigh to develop any cloir roisoning!
  • Match: Does that, like, include critical thinking because I feel like I have to—
  • Pencil: Quick! Someone get me to Madame Styx's before I go h'insane!
  • Pen: Cool, a Greek name! May I go?
  • Book: Just stay out of our girl stuff!

[Exeunt Pencil, Match, Ruby, Bubble and Book in a rush.]

6. In the hall[125]

Scene: After Pencil gets her point sharpened, they walk past the suspiciously-placed television sets.

  • Pencil: It feels so much better to, like, be 'live!
  • Helmet: [on the TV] And important news: just as both the Republic of Burundi and the Republic of Uganda has joined the war against BFDI, conscription has become active[126] for both countries.
  • Teleprompter: [off-screen] Technically, they've already had— conscripti[127]
  • Helmet: Please be quiet, I'm trying to say things on-air! … So will Kenya be next to conscript? We will leave that to the leader of Free Kenya, Colonel Triangle P. Triángolo …

[They all cheer.]

  • Caution Tape: [riding on his scooter-thing] What seems to be the problem, here, young woman?
  • Match: What doesn't seem to be the pr—
  • Book: [Aside to Match.] Shut up! [Aloud.] Well, her father is to be making a choice on whether … whether—
  • Ruby: The conscripte-diddly-doo is going to be in Kenya!
  • Caution Tape: I speculate nothing! Come with me, all of you. You're under arrest.
  • Match: Under arrest? Omg, everyone, like, knows you can't get arrested at the mall!
  • Caution Tape: Check your privilege, valley.

[They walk off.]

  • Book: I had nothing to do with th—
  • All: BOOK!

7. Underground lair

Scene: They get taken to the underground lair.

  • Caution Tape: This is where you'll be staying in the next nine billion hours.
  • Bubble: But thoit's 1,026,715 yoirs, 11 moinths, 20 doys, 11 hoirs, 22 moinutes and 37 soiconds!

[Instead of complaining …]

  • Match: Wow, Bubble, you can do math!

[They cheer again.]

  • Caution Tape: Why are you so annoying, are you members of a cheerleading squad?
  • Pencil: Aye, aye we are.
  • Ruby: I don't think that you're a police officer.
  • Caution Tape: [sweating] What? Of course I am! You must seriously have zero doubts that I actually serve in the police force, right?
  • Book: Oh, really. Because all the police officers in the world are legal currency. I am quite sure that you are not.
  • Caution Tape: Well … umm … grandmother? …
  • Bubble: Moybe caution tape is a currency somewhoire in the woilrd.
  • Pencil: Maybe! So, like, let's trade 90 shillings fer 1 inch o' caution tape?
  • Match: Better yet, make the exchange rate, like, a billionth to one!
  • Ruby: I was thinking to make him really worthless, and make him a billion to one! [They laugh]
  • Caution Tape: It's not funny!
  • Book: Are you really going to bore us for nine billion hours? I mean, it is pretty obvious to us that he is not a real police officer.
  • Caution Tape: Alright, I admit it! In your eyes, I am a fraud! A phony! A misrepresentation! A fake—
  • Match: We get it!
  • Caution Tape: The point is, I am an officerial representative of ANUBIS! The real mall security, Ariary, made me become the legitimate security officer from threats that I made!
  • Book: So you like BFDI?
  • Caution Tape: Like it? I love it! I adore it! I have romantic feelings towards—
  • Book: Ugh, just stop being redundant by using words that mean the same or what some people call synonyms!
  • Caution Tape: Who's the redundant one now?
  • Ruby: Well I am red!
  • Match: And I'm, like, undant!
  • Caution Tape: That's it, Pencil, I'm calling your dad.
  • Pencil: 'Ow d'ye know me name?
  • Caution Tape: Isn't it obvious?
  • Pencil: Aye, the point …
  • Caution Tape: [on the phone] Hello, "Colonel" [mockingly] Triángolo?
  • Triangle: This is mall security, affirmative?
  • Caution Tape: Yes, "sir". [Pencil becomes angrier.]
  • Triangle: What has my daughter done now?
  • Caution Tape: She praised you when she was watching you be mentioned on the tele— [he hangs up] There. Now that I hung up on your know-it-all father, BFDI will take over the omniverse! But first I must pass through the multiverse, the metaverse, the xenoverse, the hyperverse then I finally get my way into the
  • Ruby: 10.[128]
  • Match: 10.
  • Bubble: 10.
  • Book: I feel oliged to give you a ten. What about you, Caution Tape?
  • Caution Tape: [crying] I … I never had … a … basement!

8. Above underground

Scene: Pen is trying to find the alliance, when he falls down the hole.

  • Pen: Ah!
  • Pencil: Aye, you're here!
  • Book: We thought that you died left!
  • Pen: Nope, I'm here. What seems to be your problem?
  • Match: Just shut up and get us out of here!

[He takes the key and opens the door. Enter Triangle.]

  • Triangle: I came at the right time to save you from the evil BFDI empi— What the fibberty-gibbet are you doing?
  • Pen: Sir[129], it is my honour and duty to release these girls from this injustice of a prison.
  • Triangle: [mockingly] "This is injustice of a prison, sirls from these girls my bughnanalalaziggyboo …" Seriously? They need to be at home now! It's past their 1700[130] curfew and you prevent that. You prevent that like fire on water. "… quussaggesnappiyiblotskwiphakangaprichongesuqueppanyudhudhe!"
  • Pen: I am afraid that you are speaking the language of gibberish, sir. And I am absolutely positive that it has happened before.
  • Ruby: Such a gentleman!
  • Pencil: Me sharpen'd point maximises th' experience!
  • Triangle: Just get me in! [he jumps in and opens the lock in a few seconds]
  • Pencil: We're out free! Thanks'ee, dad!
  • The rest: Thank you!
  • Pen: Yeah … thanks.

[Exeunt the alliance with Triangle. Exit Pen in another direction, sadly.]

9. Pencil's house

Scene: Idleness. Pencil and Match come home with Triangle after everyone else has left. Just then there is a knock on the door.[131]

  • Triangle: Kuja kutika![132]

[Enter Pen with the Camera Crew.]

  • Triangle: No, I am not interested in joining your religion.
  • Helmet: No, no! It's us, the news crew!
  • Needle: If you're bringing in a party again, get out of this house right now.
  • Helmet: Not that, either! In fact, I'm here to record your father's extremely special presidential speech on national television.
  • Triangle: A presidential speech? I was never told about that!
  • Teleprompter: You lead the Party of International Unity in the Force Against BFDI, or the PIUFABFDI, right?
  • Triangle: That is true, but—
  • Pencil: What'd'yees do with Pen?
  • Helmet: With him? Oh! We found this little boy in the car park outside the shopping centre.
  • Pen: I was trying to get to my car!
  • Helmet: Why would they let 13-year-olds drive cars? This is Kenya, not some third-world African nation! [global facepalm]
  • Pen: Don't you get it? I'm not a little boy!
  • Barrette: Sorry we called you little boy. We should have been more sensitive to this and call you instead a little girl.
  • Pen: [Aside.] Grr …
  • Triangle: Keep going; the angrier he gets, the more motivated I can make my speech.
  • Teleprompter: מדוע העוף לחצות את הכביש?[133]
  • Pen: That didn't anger me, it only got me confused …
  • Teleprompter: To get to the other side, get it?
  • Pencil: Good luck with the motivation inner speech, y'can't anger'e. Th' only time I sees'e h'enraged was durin' football season.
  • Match: And, like, also, confusion is his enjoyment.
  • Teleprompter: … I mean, the interior that came off the chicken when the truck hit it was just fowl, get it—
  • Triangle: Let me start my speech now!
  • Helmet: It's starting, starting, starting.
  • Triangle: Two score and five years ago— wait, wrong papers. [shuffles] Aha! When you think of a president of a country, do you think of boring old men with nothing better to do with their time?
  • Match: YES!
  • Triangle: Don't talk when I'm talking, Ludmiła! Anyways …
  • Estigua: [whispering] I think your point is being justified.
  • Triangle: Next person who talks out will have to give me sixty press ups!
  • Pen: Technically, now they're called "push-ups"—
  • Triangle: That's it, Schreiber, sixty press-ups!
  • Pen: Good, Coach says I need to be in peak physical condition for that game we're having on Fr—

[He does so without a word.]

  • Triangle: Anyways, what was I saying? Oh, yes. When you think of a president of a country, do you think of boring old men with nothing better to do with their time?
  • Match: Y—
  • Triangle: Don't even think about it, Zosia. So what I want people to … kama … know, is to realise that I am a very informal person. Basically I am not the epitome of a president. I am casual most of the time. I mean, if I were a girl, I would wear a fancy dress about 90% of the time and the other 10% a cocktail dress.

[Three hours later. Nearly everyone is sleeping.]

  • Match: Y—
  • Triangle: … And out of every thousand periods, I shall use an exclamation mark only once! [pause] Oh, come on, I can hear you not laughing through the screen. Is that even possible?

[He gets a flashback to when someone is yelling, "Get to the point!"]

  • Triangle: Alright, I will get to the point. So, since this interview suddenly happened out of nowhere, I will start with the first thing that came into my mind after the newscasters walked in here. Why are they here and what do they want? But in reality, about an hour earlier, I saw my daughter's boyfriend trying to open the jail cell that she and her friends were in. [They wake up slowly.] He told me, with utmost respect, "Sir, it is my honour and duty to release these girls from this injustice of a prison." [Pen's about to say something.] But I decided that it was just a clever lie sketched by him in order to have the girls not serve the time of the unspecified crime that they have been made to do in the first place. And in response, I shall enforce conscription, against the forces of BFDI, to all young men born before 1989. [They all scream in happiness silently] No, perhaps July 1989. Or even July 2nd, 1989. God bless Africa, and may this presidential speech be culminated. [The microphone is taken away from him.] And that means, goodbye newscasters! Get out of my house.

[Exeunt Helmet, Barrette and Teleprompter. Everyone is still excited, but they are completely silent. Triangle pushes a lever on the wall, and everyone starts talking again.]

  • Match: I, like, can't believe Pen will be conscriptionned!
  • Nelson: I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I'll congratulate you anyways!
  • Pencil: I think'e means, "bein' a writer".
  • Pen: That's great; I've always wanted to be a writer!
  • Match: Like, really?
  • Pen: Well, that is from my top three list of jobs I would really want! Behind opera singer, pro footballer and diplomatic representative, of course.
  • Pencil: Wote'er 'bout thet, me love's gone to be a writer! Ohhhhh, I'm so fangirlin' right now!
  • Needle: If you do write, make sure to write "Needy" in all your books so I can slap whoever reads it out loud!
  • Pencil: Now that's clever! I'll make sure to write that word when I'm a wri-terrrrr!
  • Triangle: Kama, guys, I think that you're messing up the vocabulary here. You do realise that once Pen is conscripted, it means that he will have to s—
  • Match: Omg!
  • All: What?
  • Match: Ruby, like, texted me and we're, like, having an emergency! We have to go to her house for the 24th Monthly Alliance Meeting!
  • Pencil: Wot's'e now?
  • Match: They ran out of feta cheese!
  • Pen: Ha ha. Really funny.[134]
  • Match: Really? Like, how can you laugh at an Alliance emergency?
  • Pen: Dad and Mr. Triángolo were arguing on whether the last utterance was feta cheese or feta cheese here when you were gone. And besides, your Alliance emergencies usually mean nothing. Remember when Book lost a tiny part of her page and you treated it like an actual emergency?


[End flashback.]

  • Pencil: Aye, well 'twas really imp—
  • Match: We have to go!

[Match runs out of the door with Pencil.]

  • Pencil: Bye, dad! We'll see'ye again a' the 1800 curfew, if y'needs any'n, we've yer mobile phone number!
  • Pen: [taking the feta] They might need this, too. [Aloud.] Hey, can I bring this to the meeting?
  • Triangle: Sure.
  • Aristotelis: Take what you need!
  • Triangle: No, it's what you want. We can fully function without your Grecian dairy food.

[Exit Pen slyly.]

  • Triangle: IT'S A REPRESENTATIVE OF YOUR GREEK CUL … y'know, I just contradicted myself.
  • Aristotelis: Ha! Who's joined me now on the contradiction ladder?
  • Triangle: That will incite so many inappropriate jokes that it's not even funny.
  • Aristotelis: True, I think.
  • Nelson: Come on, guys, you're only just two grown men fighting about something stupid. Why not just watch the news or something?
  • Triangle: That's a good idea.
  • Aristotelis: So I haven't failed in life!
  • Triangle: I'll get the remote.
  • Aristotelis: No, I'll get it!
  • Triangle: NO, I'LL—

[Nelson take the remote and turns on the TV. Barrette is already on air.]

  • Barrette: So, this whole country will now know that after Colonel Triángolo's controversial speech, all boys, I mean men who were born before the date of July 2, 1989, will be conscripted for a currently indefinite period of time. As you may know, this means that they will be sent to the military, a practice already followed by the people of Tanzania and Uganda.
  • Nelson: Wait, so conscription doesn't mean becoming a writer?
  • Triangle: Nope. It means Pen has to be drafted into the Army.
  • Voice: Dun-dun!
  • Needle: I'll tell Pencil late—
  • Triangle: No, you will not.
  • Nelson: Why not? She has nothing to lose anyway!
  • Triangle: It will break her heart to find out her boy's going to war forever!
  • Nelson: I don't think he's going forever.
  • Triangle: It may as well be. World War I was 48 months long, World War II was 72 months long, the Cold War was 531 months, more or less. If we go exponentially, you get infinity.
  • Needle: Is that true?
  • Triangle: No! There is a reason I failed mathematics.
  • Nelson: Wow … I can't believe Pen's going to leave us.

Sunday, December 16

1. Pencil's house

Scene: Morning.[135] Reveille, line-up, all that. Except, Bubble, Ruby and Book are with them.

  • Triangle: Why are they with us again?
  • Match: Oh! Like, because Book went because her parents weren't with her.
  • Ruby: Plus, she can't sleep like that since she's afraid of the dark.
  • Book: I am not afraid of the dark! I just like going to places whilst my parents are doing something at the library!
  • Bubble: Woill, instead of doing something at the loibrary, thoy could be doing eac—
  • Pencil: O-kay, let's not get too graphic eut'r. [Aside.] There're children list'nin' in on us!
  • Nelson: What? I am mature enough to know these things!
  • Pencil: Not you, Ruby!
  • Ruby: Hello!
  • Estigua: Oh my kebab!
  • Book: [Aside.] That is new.
  • Estigua: Babu is coming here to spend Christmas with us!
  • Nelson: You mean Grandfather Triangle?
  • Estigua: That is the English term.
  • Nelson: Oh my gosh, I hope he brings some pictures from space!
  • Match: Space? I've, like, never been to space!
  • Triangle: And speaking of gosh, when shall we go to church?
  • Estigua: It's a 10 minute walk, and mass begins in … 15 minutes!
  • Needle: Let's go or else we'll be late!
  • Book: I do not think that I want to go. You see an atheist before you who does not have to go because she never vowed to go ever again in her lifetime.[136]
  • Ruby: Aww, come on, Book! I'm going, and I'm Buddhist!
  • Bubble: And Oi'm Neo-Goikyan Polythoistical, and Oi want to see a monothoistic temple!
  • Match: And I'm Jewish, and I'm here because, like, I have to! [Aside.] Please don't kill me.
  • Triangle: Enough talking, everyone! Just get the fanciest clothes you can find and I'll meet you there!
  • Everyone else: WHAT!?
  • Book: I'll get my Quintendo CI[137]!

2. Seabrook Municipal Catholic Church

Scene: 0930, five minutes before a sermon. Ruby and Match wear their hastily-crafted blouses and skirts,[138] Bubble is seen in her æsthetic dress from last year's Patience[139] and Book with the same cocktail dress Triangle had in mind during his speech. Pen and Pencil, however, are wearing a tuxedo and necktie au père.[140]

  • Ruby: So, your grandfather is coming to your house tonight? That's so awesome!
  • Pencil: 'Tis e'en more awesome thet 'e's been 'xplorin' space fer thirty years! Galaxies, planets, stars, thet patch of dark matter when we see the sky—
  • Book: Wait wait wait, he has been exploring the observable universe for thirty years? That is impossible! He would only get through approximately ~0.00000000000000000011531574% of it!
  • Ruby: We're in a cartoon; there is no physics here.
  • Book: True.
  • Pen: But that still makes your grandfather so awesome!
  • Pencil: Thanks!
  • Match: [sighs] Yeah, I know, like, neither of my four grandfathers ever come.
  • Bubble: Whoy?
  • Pen: To make a clarification on these things … two are in Canada, one has moved to Israel and the other … is dead.[141]
  • Ruby: Dead from what?
  • Match: [tensing] He died from the … the H … the H … the—
  • Ruby: Holocaust?
  • Match: I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT IN A PLACE FULL OF CHRISTIANS! [everyone looks at her]
  • Triangle: Be fortunate service has not started yet.
  • Book: It is great news, but … [neatens her necktie] … your grandfather was in space.
  • Needle: So?
  • Book: None of us know how he will end up. What if he has a really ugly alien attached to his butt? Or his eye replaced with a square centimetre of a pregnant star? Or an Angola green snake on his—
  • Match: I follow him on Usokitabu, he's posted pics and he looks beautiful! [The alliance looks at her] What? It's not, like, like I have a thing for old people![142]
  • Pencil: Say wot now? [fan her head with tux] Anyway, 'tis 'ot outside. Why're we in fancy clothes anyway? We ne'er do thet 'xcept fer if it's Kwanzajinawa days.
  • Triangle: I don't know, the church at Taveta required them. We have to dress sincerely so the Lord can fiercely … hear us. And the reason why you're hot is because that guy had the air conditioning on at 24 Centigrade or something.
  • Pencil: Oh. Well, I look extremely stylish t'day.
  • Pen: You're beautiful.
  • Pencil: We're wearin' the same thing, you're beautiful.
  • Pen: No, you're beautiful!
  • Pencil: Should we kiss?
  • Pen: Let's do it! [They kiss.]

[A crowd of disturbed people are talking about Pencil wearing a tux.]

  • Man: Why did you kiss that boy if you're wearing a tuxedo, too?
  • Pencil: Wot, so y'makes assumptions based on the clothes we were forced to wear? Y'think yer so smug with yer thoughts thet a boy an' girl who's like a boy shouldn't kiss 'cause it's immoral!
  • Pen: Maybe you should be a little quieter in your rant …
  • Pencil: [not listening] Well, this is Kenya, an' I deserve GENDER-NEUTRALITY RIGHTS NOW!
  • Bubble: You shoildn't have soid this in a room full of Chroistians.
  • Ruby: Ooh, can I scream something too?
  • Triangle: No, you may no—
  • Bubble: It's both.
  • Pencil: Well, Pen, I guess it's time fer'ee to scream some'n'.
  • Pen: Actually, I kind of feel uncomfortable screaming at a place like this …

[Meanwhile, a family is reading the programme.]

  • Tomatillo: Mamá[143], what means these Swahilian words?
  • Ganda ya Nyanya: Why, this is a donation box that helps Kenyans and Tanzanians who are poor and needy—
  • Needle: [slaps] DON'T CALL ME NEEDY!
  • Ganda ya Nyanya: I apologise, but I was not talking about you.
  • Needle: It doesn't matter! A word used and a slap abused.
  • Tomatillo: [Aside.] Esa fue una mala rima, madre.[144]
  • All: Needy!

[One by one, she slaps them all.]

  • Man: Needy. [slaps] Needy. [slaps] Needy. [slaps] Needy. [slaps]
  • Pencil: If only we could get'ee to scream, Pen.
  • Pen: Why would I want to scream here?
  • Match: Well, we could drop you in hot lava at the volcano—
  • Book: Or force you to sing that dreaded top B-flat—
  • Match: Or have you start, like, presenting all about you in front of this whole church—
  • Book: Or rip out his cap and shake him until he starts losing conscience![145]
  • Match: Book, that idea is just, like, … PERFECT!
  • Pencil: [Aside.] It ain't those things th' harm 'im the mos', it's the little things! Watch.

[She steps on his foot in such a position that it seems like it was the person behind him.]

  • Cabécou: Monsieur[146], I have you forgeeten, for I have not strucken your pied[147]
  • Pen: No, that didn't make it any more better than before! I mean that was my only good foot!
  • Cabécou: I will just sit here and do a single laugh. Ha! But I shall not be accused to you, for you look kilomètres away from a threatening jeune garçon.[148]
  • Pen: You really don't understand! I mean I have to use this foot the most in football practice! I've worked out an extra 45 minutes just on this foot! It was practically shining before you just put your own dirty foot on it!
  • Match: [Aside.] His foot's never been shining.
  • Book: How much?
  • Match: What?
  • Book: How could he not be shining?
  • Match: Like, if you bombarded him with, like, a million different types of, like, nuclear weapons, his foot still wouldn't shine!
  • Book: That much, eh?
  • Match: Like, totally. [They all laugh]
  • Pen: What is this? I don't see at all the humour in this.
  • Pencil: Aside from yer seemin'ly spontaneous anger outburst, 'twas I who stepped on yer foot.
  • Pen: Why? You know this foot is my kicking foot! Not only that, but it's also the most beautiful out of the two I currently own, eh? Wait, no. Both of my feet are extremely beautiful, more than anyone else in this room's … except for you, Pencil.
  • Pencil: 'Is arrogance advantage, I'm in love! [Match slaps her]
  • Ruby: Well, now that Pen was the last one to scream here, why don't we all do it together?
  • Pen: Count me out, I have an apology to sen—
  • Cabécou: It's very well okay, mon garçon.[151] After all, nobody inside of the outside in this church has ever had a negative attitude ever since our first American and French missionaires[152] came and built this loving buildly.
  • Pen: You mean lovely building
  • Triangle: Will you all stop screaming? Mass begins in about three minutes!
  • Book: Wow, time does go by slower when you are not having fun.
  • Baseball Cap: No, it does not.
  • Nelson: Hey, BC! I had no idea you went to this church!
  • Baseball Cap: I don't. I just come here because I have no Baseball Practice.
  • Nelson: I guess you're allowed to welcome to be here.
  • Triangle: [disgusted] Why are there so many non-Catholics here? This is a church for Christians only! Nobody else!
  • Needle: Umm, you may want to take a look at the church programme.
  • Pencil: Aye, 'tis a difference from the 1990's.
  • Needle: Yeah.
  • Triangle: [reading] "This church has developed a very strict tolerate-other-people-and-invite-other-people-of-different-religions-to-our-area-so-we-can-appear-to-be-proud-Nairobite-Catholics-who-are-willing-to-invite-diversity-into-our-communities policy in January 1998." Why did they feel the need to add different religions to the mix when I left?
  • Pencil: Well …
  • Triangle: Just shh, everyone, mass's starting.
  • Pastor Aaron: Good morning, all people who come to Seabrook Municipal Catholic Church. We come today to celebrate the Third Sunday of Advent, Jumapili ya Tatu ya Ujio[153], el Tercer Domingo de Adviento.[154] May I ask everyone to please check mobile phones and see if they are silent …
  • MatchPen: I'm out.

[Exeunt Match and Pen.]

  • Pastor Aaron: … and we may now stand up …
  • Bubble: Goodboie!

[Exit Bubble.]

  • Pastor Aaron: … and sing …
  • Ruby: Toodle-loodle-loo-loo!

[Exit Ruby.]

  • Pastor Aaron: The receptionist today will be Father Aaron da Costa, the the hymn-leader will be Father Aaron da Costa and the train-bearer[155] will be Father Aaron da Costa. And young lady, please get off whatever electronic gadget you are on and focus on the—
  • Book: What if you are atheist?
  • Pastor Aaron: Athewhat?
  • Book: Atheist, as in not believing in a god.
  • Pastor Aaron: Then I see no reason for you to be at this church. Please get out.
  • Book: MAKE ME!
  • Pastor Aaron: I will not.

[Everyone has their phones out, so they can video this and post it online.]

  • Pastor Aaron: After all, I am the father of Sword, president of ANUBIS!
  • Tomatillo: What is ANUBIS again?
  • Pastor Aaron: Why, they are the organisation of the best known event in the universe! And by that, I must tell you that I mean BFDI.
  • Triangle: I'm g— [Parts of thoughts speak out in front of him.] What are you doing? Mutiny is the enemy. Stay where you are and wait for another attack and then you can go.
  • Book: [continuing] So you admit that the Free Kenya party is not as good as it should be? I shall find contradictions about you for the rest of the day.

3. Pencil's house

Scene: Nine controversial hours of librettal contradictions later.

  • Triangle: I can not believe your behaviour today.
  • Pencil: I know! Book kept gettin' third place on Cario Mart.
  • Triangle: Not Book, you!
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Triangle: Pencil, you weren't even focusing during the whole mass.
  • Pencil: It was nine hours! Thet's, like, an entire human pregnancy!
  • Book: I believe you are mistaken, Pencil; that is nine months, dear.
  • Triangle: See, Book is the example of a perfect child. At least she does not talk back to me!
  • Pencil: Wot? I can't believe'ee! Y' gave birth to me! [Aside.] Or a' leas' wot the biology teacher told us.
  • Triangle: Hey! I have a plan for you!
  • Pencil: If it's 900 press-ups e'ery time I speak, I do thet a'ready durin' cheerleadin'.
  • Triangle: No! You must only use questions, and I will answer them.
  • Pencil: Do I have to?
  • Triangle: Yes.
  • Pencil: Is Book doin'e?
  • Triangle: Why should she?
  • Pencil: An' now for a real question … wot'd the Pastor says when 'e says, [imitating his voice] "Let's all salute those young souls of the reserves to be fighting against the brave and gallant BFDI soldiers." 'Tseems as 'e's been sidin' more with BFDI, eh?
  • Triangle: He's the leader of the BFDI ring's dad, of course he would believe so.
  • Pencil: [a bit concerned] But wot means reserves? Is thet the same as conscription?
  • Triangle: [lying] Of course not! Everyone knows that when conscripts are writers, reserves are soldiers waiting to be used!
  • Pencil: Well, I guess thet makes sense, but—

[Enter the Alliance with yoylesmoothies.]

  • Match: And she was like, "No way!" And he was like, "Indeed, I am", and I was like, "Oh great, I hope he won't lie, like, again!", and she was like, "Who are you talking—
  • Pencil: Wot the 'ey, y'got smoothies?
  • Bubble: Even boitter! Yoylesmoithies!
  • Ruby: We figured that in the church you would get thirsty, so we got your favourite!
  • Pencil: They're all th' same, eh?
  • Pen: Yeah, they say it's because of war and the whole rations nonsense.
  • Match: So you know what's, like, really funny?
  • Pencil: No?
  • Match: They, like, want you to have an adult with you [mocks] at-all-tiiiiimes. So I was, like, "Why not use Pen?" And the whole alliance, like, agreed—
  • Ruby: But then she said that they couldn't use kids as a responsible adult! Do you know how hilarious that was?
  • Pencil: No, wot'd'ye means?
  • Bubble: We moin that becoise Pen looks like a yoing boy, the servoirs thought he was toi young if he wointed to be an "oidult"!
  • Pencil: Thet ain't funny?
  • Pen: It isn't!
  • Match: So, like, he was in that mode where, like, y'know when a completely non-violent person goes buzzcut insane?
  • Pencil: Buzzcut insane?
  • Match: He was, like, that! I felt like he'd explode, like, at any minute, but we just laughed aloud! Wasn't it hilarious?
  • Pen: Seriously, that's the last time calls me a boy! Do you all think that I—
  • Pencil, Ruby, Bubble, Match, Book: Well, can ye be my boy? / I would say that you look much younger than us! / Toichnically, you're stoill a boy at hoirt. / You are a boy, and you act like you'll never be, like, a man! / We could call you a girl and probably get the same response.
  • Pencil: I know 'ow y'feels?
  • Match: Pencil, is there something wrong? Like, you've been speaking with, like, a question mark for, like, a few seconds now. Like this?
  • Ruby: Yeah, if you want to tell us, tell us. Don't ask it! Remember what our Swahili teacher said last year—
  • Book: Shh, I think she is about to say some words!
  • Pencil: I'll tells'ee in a bit? [Aside.] Dad made me do'e fer watchin' Book's CI durin' church?
  • Triangle: [looks at clock] Okay, Pencil, your time's up.
  • Pencil: [angrily] Wot in [censored] was thet?
  • Triangle: I said your time's up, didn't you hear? You can stop asking questions.
  • Pencil: No, I mean, wot was thet?
  • Triangle: It's just a common military technique that we had to do during the war.
  • Pencil: Why?
  • Triangle: We had to imitate Tanzanians.
  • Book: Why, did you not think it was cultural misappropriation?[156]
  • Match: Omg, big words!

[Exit Match.]

  • Triangle: Everything's acceptable during war. Everything. Even fairness and love![157]
  • Pen: But why would Tanzanians ask questions all the time? Don't they all just speak Swahili?
  • Triangle: No, mwanangu.[158] You see, Tanzanians have a reputation for being too polite yet a bit biased.
  • Ruby: So like the American South?
  • Triangle: Ye— No— I have no idea.
  • Pencil: So, wot were we talkin' 'bout again?
  • Bubble: I don't knoiow, how aboit Pen's conscroiption deal!
  • Pencil: Oh yeah. I'm jus' so excited fer Pen to become a writer!

[They then proceed to talk about how Pen will become a "writer".]

  • Triangle: [Aside.] These … lies! I can't … bear … to stand hearing them … I won't tell the truth … not one bit … that's it! [He runs to the bathroom and vomits] BLEH!

[The conversation is stopped.]

  • Triangle: Ooh, haven't seen that colour before![159]
  • Girls: Eww!

[The episode ends.]


  1. In other words, too low for a General and too high for a major.
  2. "How old are you now?" (Distorted Swahili)
  3. The only line I actually care about in this situation.
  4. "Thank you for your service." (Sw.)
  5. "Thank you for your support." (DS)
  6. Match is also following him, albeit against her will.
  7. Who has no relation to Bonnie Bunny lol
  8. And thus, began the Great Christmas Debate.
  9. Literally!
  10. I-G-G-Y!
  11. "Rabid dogs!" (Pol.)
  12. Not Poseidon.
  13. He's not even a Greek god!
  14. No offence.
  15. So there you have it!
  16. "Fake-sweetly" (Fr.)
  17. Based on the stereotype that Polish people always clean toilets. Again, I mean no offence at all; these are coming from Capirote's mouth assets.
  18. Can this scene be over already? get any more awkward?
  19. "Oh, my gallant soldier has returned!" (Pt.)
  20. "Come to my room so we can talk privately!" (Pt.)
  21. "Oh, don't worry. There are some children watching television." (Pt.)
  22. "Would you like me to fix this, sir?" (Fr.) Google Translate has gotten better with its French translations.
  23. "Yes, please." (Fr.)
  24. "I never knew you could speak Catalan!" (Pt.) Don't be fooled; it's really French.
  25. He's a polyglot, just like Pencil.
  26. "Children, there is pho in the kitchen!" (Vn.)
  27. A parody of Reddit.
  28. Hooray for no more translating!
  29. "Hello" (Sw.)
  30. It really should be jambo, but Pen's failing his Swahili classes nevertheless.
  31. It means "Mr." around Kenya. (I love how I'm just looking at this website about Kenyan culture two weeks late.
  32. Which is quite ironic, as Triangle is armless. XII 0657
  33. (So I'm a sir now, eh?)
  34. Sorry, it's just a fun word to say! Proselytisers. Proselytisers. Proselytisers.
  35. I think it's called that.
  36. This and those strange harp glissandi found in hypnosis sound effects.
  37. Of which some may call "harrassment".
  38. Omg, a Harry Potter reference!
  39. Very cute.
  40. To be honest, I personally typed it out to memorise for a recital we're having in school.
  41. "Handsomely attractive" (Pol.)
  42. "Post-chair stress disorder" (Greek)
  43. On purpose.
  44. "My stalker's best friend's brother" (Sp.)
  45. A play on the words "gosh darn it", which itsle is a play on
  46. "Like" (Sw.)
  47. It's not as bad as you think.
  48. Article made at the right time, also.
  49. Butterfly.
  50. And now for something completely random.
  51. It's because stereo systems are loud!
  52. Not that Antonio from Pencil Returns.
  53. It is customary for members of the Kwanzajinawa to refer to people whom they vaguely remember by their role in the last production. (Right, Second Citizen?) Says Mrs. Chembe, it helps cast members know each other more.
  54. Speaking mechanically.
  55. In America, people think lord only refers to the Judeo-Christian God, whilst I know in Britain it also means a nobleman.
  56. Bodhi Day in 2009 was December 9.
  57. I have no idea where that came from.
  58. Not that Darwinfish, or that one either.
  59. I think I just threw up a little bit.
  60. "All together" (Catalan)
  61. "Help" (Sw.)
  62. "Moron" (Sp.)
  63. "One of the worst, which really should not have been put on this earth, but ruined the chance of it. I'll clean your face Now I'm off this planet." (Sp.)
  64. The game?
  65. For some reason, I can imagine Pencil and Pen's children going to this house more than their own.
  66. However, I do enjoy your insertion of the before the last name. It works with everyone. Barack the Obama. Justin the Bieber. Hannah the Montana. Dora the Expl— never mind.
  67. Once again, where the dialogue is originally Infinityblade2005's. Again, with the minor modifications and such.
  68. "Shut up and mouth, rankless soldier!" (Sp.)
  69. I couldn't think of any pre-made quotes, even after reading Before SDO like trillions of times for anything.
  70. Order in the court!
  71. As opposed to BFDI-controlled Kenya.
  72. Just another sign of his drill sergeant-ical tendencies!
  73. This is actually a phenomenon. The thousand-yard stare is often experienced by combat veterans.
  74. An answer to your question: Triangle's special power is recognition; he can tell everyone's name, even middle. That and multilingualism.
  75. "A middle name is a name too, your parents named you that!" (Pol.)
  76. Not Aristotelis, her real father.
  77. He isn't scared of it, like many people would assume, but it turns out that the Song that Must Not Be Named is copyrighted.
  78. "But when will he ever come home?" (Fr.)
  79. Technically, this isn't the translation, but it just is the words to finish the song in French!
  80. That's 96.7% of her gifts gone.
  81. III 0619-0628
  82. Yes, I'm making Book meta again.
  83. It's true.
  84. That is "Lotus Seed Pod", for those not on mobile.
  85. I believe the term is Circling Birdies, but with stars
  86. According to this chart, you can see Orion at this time and place.
  87. "I think I see Orion and his sword." (Sw.) [partial translation]
  88. It's very old Japanese, so that is why people today do not understand it.
  89. If you want your view on things to be severely ruined, Google this if you dare.
  90. OOTINLTO (One of These Is Not Like the Other)
  91. You know, with eyes closed and stuff?
  92. "You're welcome." (Fr.)
  93. They both mentioned Ruddigore.
  94. Another animal that triggers trypophobia.
  95. "What did she say?" (Pt.)
  96. "I don't know, but I don't believe it's her who speaks English." (Pt.)
  97. "So what was it? Whales or Wales? Or were they whales in Wales?" (Pol.)
  98. Doesn't this conversation look familiar?
  99. "I think it was the—" (Pol.)
  100. "Hello!" (Pol.)
  101. Sometimes the computer will do something like this once in a while.
  102. Notwithstanding the fact that the remote is only three inches away from her reach.
  103. That brings up a really terrifying thought. Well, at least Pencil also has lunar citizenship!
  104. But Poland can't into space!
  105. Arrrrrr you readyy for some SpongeBob references?
  106. A nod to the famous singer Aaliyah.
  107. And the first name is …
  108. It is a Nigerian name.
  109. Or as they would say using a twenty-four hour clock, 0500 (five hundred hours).
  110. For those too lazy to click, a reveille is the wake-up call for the military.
  111. The shofar is a ram's horn blown on special Jewish holidays such as Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
  112. Get it? Due to the maths involved, one is literally half-asleep or awake. (I'd like to be on the positive side and be half-awake, thank you.)
  113. Or, "aww"-dience!
  114. Affirmative is a form of yes.
  115. "Daughter" (Sw.)
  116. Just her going on again.
  117. This restaurant serves Yoylefood.
  118. I wonder what that would sound like.
  119. "Stand up!" (Sw.)
  120. Even though it was specifically inferred to during the last episode.
  121. It's possible when you are were rich!
  122. II 0943
  123. The objects' version of perfume, with the same etymology. Perruct is Italian, actually.
  124. Changed from Verona.
  125. I know there's a word for it.
  126. Don't click on this link if your computer can not handle the opening of SVG images. It's strange, but when ths image was made, I couldn't see it.
  127. Neither Uganda nor Burundi have compulsory service as of 2015.
  128. They are grading her rant.
  129. Of course you put his title before everyone else!
  130. 5:00 PM.
  131. Don't worry, he's not the last person on Earth and it's his office. The aliens did it!
  132. "Come in!" (Sw.)
  133. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" (Hebrew)
  134. The line that I kept from the edit.
  135. About 0500, not 0710.
  136. She's referring to herself in the third person, in case you haven't noticed.
  137. Parody of Nintndo DS.
  138. What the, when did Ice Cube get into this?
  139. Sigh. No, NLG, Book was still one of the ladies, not the Solic— What did you do?
  140. "Like the father" (Fr.)
  141. I kind of saw that coming.
  142. Eraser is her true love, actually, so technically she does.
  143. "Mummy" (Sp.)
  144. "That was a bad rhyme, mother." (Sp.)
  145. Wow, Book.
  146. "Sir" (Fr.)
  147. "Foot" (Fr.)
  148. "Young boy." (Fr.)
  149. Between all the voices and random shouting, I've given up on the fraction-style for now..
  150. "When my father eats fish from the bushes, he sings this song called 'Throw the Moon into the Sun and you get a dinosaur extinction!'" (Sw.)
  151. "My boy" (Fr.)
  152. "Missionaries" (Fr.)
  153. "Third Sunday of Advent" (Sw.)
  154. "Third Sunday of Advent" (Sp.)
  155. I don't know much about the ranks and hierarchy of the Roman Catholic church.
  156. Did you not think that pretending to be a member of the enemy side was necessary and/or offensive?
  157. Referring to the French saying "Tout est juste dans l'amour et la guerre." (All is fair in love and war.)
  158. "My boy/son" (Sw.)
  159. You cannot censor certain things on my page. I mean, I'd censor the worst of curse words but not things that already exist.
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.