Inanimate Quarrel Reboot

I used to be called Retzyn, and then The Second Nation. I've been absent for a while. Time for a comeback!

Read the original here

Contestants and other characters
Ace (♂ )

Anvil (Armless, ♂ )

Beartrap (Armless, ♂ )

Beer Bottle (♂ )

Cactus (Armless, ♀ )

Calendar (♀ )

Crown (Mouthless?, ♂ )

Dumbbell (♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Fencey (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Fireball (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Flashing Sign (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Gold Ingot (Armless,<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Gravestone (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Hammer (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ ):

<p class="MsoNormal">Hearty (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Jail Cell (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Kale (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Lily Pad (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Nut (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Paperclip (Legless, <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Pincushion (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Roady (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Shopping Bag (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Snowglobe (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Spinach Can (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Star (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Surfboard (<span style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol"">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Trampoline (Armless, <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Window (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Windy (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Wine Bottle (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Xylophone (<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family: "SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♀ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger (Host, <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;">♂ )

<p class="MsoNormal">Cutting Board (Intern, <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol";mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂)

<p class="MsoNormal">Flower Pot (Intern, <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂)

<p class="MsoNormal">Horseshoe (Intern, <span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">♂)

<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">

<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:"SegoeUISymbol",sans-serif;mso-bidi-font-family:"SegoeUISymbol"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US">Chapter 1: Opening Offal
???: (Hey, psst, Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: (What?)

<p class="MsoNormal">???: (The broadcast’s about to start. Hope you have a good opening line!)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: (Uh… also quick question before we start: what’s the first challenge?)

<p class="MsoNormal">???: (incomprehensible mumbling)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: (Seriously? We have to do the first challenge at a garbage disposal? Whatever.) Oh, uh… hello there! Welcome to Inanimate Quarrel, where inanimate objects will… quarrel… I couldn’t come up with an opening line, OK? Well, let’s just get to the point. 32 objects are going to battle for a fantastic prize! What’s the prize, you say? I have no idea! Production never told me, so I guess we’ll just see. Anyways, the contestants will be arriving soon, so let’s just sit tight and wait.

<p class="MsoNormal">Horseshoe: Mr. Hanger, the contestants have already arrived!

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Wait, what? Where are they?

<p class="MsoNormal">Horseshoe: In that bus, right next to you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Was that... was that there from the beginning?

<p class="MsoNormal">Horseshoe: Yes.

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Uh… OK, we’re going to introduce the contestants in pairs, sorted alphabetically. First up, Ace and Anvil. Welcome to the show!

<p class="MsoNormal">Anvil: Alright! I’m here!

<p class="MsoNormal">Ace: We’ve been in that bus for 7 hours, how can you act like that?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Anvil: The viewers have to know that I have an amazing personality!

<p class="MsoNormal">Ace: Is fame all you care about? Pathetic.

<p class="MsoNormal">Anvil: Why do you talk as if your opinion matters?

<p class="MsoNormal">Ace: Because it truly does. Trust me, you’ll regret this conversation.

<p class="MsoNormal">Anvil: Whatever.

<p class="MsoNormal">(They both stand behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: With that out of the way, say hello to the next contestants, Beartrap and Beer Bottle!

<p class="MsoNormal">(Beer Bottle falls out of the bus, drunk)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: What happened to him?

<p class="MsoNormal">Beartrap: 7 hours is a long time, eh. He’s had a little too much to drink.

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Are you sure he’s okay?

<p class="MsoNormal">Beartrap: Am I supposed to care?

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: No, not really.

<p class="MsoNormal">Beartrap: Anyways, I’d like to introduce myself-

<p class="MsoNormal">???: (Psst, Hanger. There’s no time for that.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Alright, moving on-

<p class="MsoNormal">Beartrap: Are you just going to ignore me?

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Yes. As I was saying, moving on, we’ve got Cactus and Calendar! Let’s hope for a friendlier interaction this time.

<p class="MsoNormal">(Beartrap angrily drags Beer Bottle behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Cactus: Hello there! The name’s Cactus. Nice to meet you.

<p class="MsoNormal">Calendar: Hi.

<p class="MsoNormal">Cactus: Woah, what’s that attitude all about? Are you shy?

<p class="MsoNormal">Calendar: Yes…

<p class="MsoNormal">Cactus: Well then, turn that frown upside-down! You’re being watched by millions of people worldwide! You have to act strong!

<p class="MsoNormal">Calendar (visibly nervous): Oh god…

<p class="MsoNormal">(Cactus and Calendar stand behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Hm. Next up are Crown and Dumbbell!

<p class="MsoNormal">Dumbbell: Hello world!

<p class="MsoNormal">Crown: …

<p class="MsoNormal">Dumbbell: Are you going to speak?

<p class="MsoNormal">Crown: …

<p class="MsoNormal">Dumbbell: I’m going to assume you can’t?

<p class="MsoNormal">Crown: (nods)

<p class="MsoNormal">Dumbbell: Well, that’s a shame. We won’t get to know you very well.

<p class="MsoNormal">Crown: …

<p class="MsoNormal">Dumbbell: Time to show my strength to the world!

<p class="MsoNormal">(Dumbbell and Crown stand behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Let’s continue. Here are Fencey and Fireball!

<p class="MsoNormal">Fencey: Yo, yo! Wassup?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fireball: “Wassup”? What does that mean?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fencey: Are you seriously asking me that?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fireball: Well, I’m not exactly familiar with the current slang terms.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fencey: …

<p class="MsoNormal">Fireball: Did I say something that offended you?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fencey: No, nothing. Anyways, I’m going to try my best!

<p class="MsoNormal">(Fencey and Fireball stand behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Here’s Flashing Sign and Gold Ingot!

<p class="MsoNormal">Gold Ingot: I’d like to know what the prize is, please.

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Sorry, can’t tell you that. It’s a secret.

<p class="MsoNormal">Flashing Sign: Are you just interested in the prize?

<p class="MsoNormal">Gold Ingot: Logically, I am.

<p class="MsoNormal">Flashing Sign: Well, I’m interested in making friends and possibly meeting the love of my life!

<p class="MsoNormal">Gold Ingot: We’re not here to make friends, we’re here to win. Friends just bog you down and create needless conflict.

<p class="MsoNormal">Flashing Sign: You must be fun at parties.

<p class="MsoNormal">Gold Ingot: I certainly am not.

<p class="MsoNormal">(Flashing Sign and Gold Ingot stand behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">Hanger: Gravestone and Hammer have come!

<p class="MsoNormal">Hammer: You’ve been pretty silent throughout the whole trip.

<p class="MsoNormal">Gravestone: Of course I was. I want to preserve energy for the contest.

<p class="MsoNormal">Hammer: “Preserve energy”?

<p class="MsoNormal">Gravestone: Yes, that.

<p class="MsoNormal">Hammer: Whatever floats your boat.

<p class="MsoNormal">(Gravestone and Hammer stand behind Hanger.)

<p class="MsoNormal">To be continued

<p class="MsoNormal">